I see. so you have a slight(?) trauma with authoritative figures; yet, you desire order, control. and that's the thing, isn't it? only you can. others cannot. it's all in-your-face methods with you because that's the only thing you know. to you, it seems to be the most civilised method to "leadership", "responsibility". right now, you're standing on top of everyone who used to 'shut you down' - your mother against your cosplay thing, your sister against you because you thought she was like your mum and she was jealous of you. the women in your life didnt appear to be there for you. cosplay made you feel like yourself but without your own skin. rebelling against your older sister was a thing because she wasnt heard in the first place, so no one would bother with her. all this, because you were trying to survive. maybe you had looked up to your mother and sister, but you saw and felt like a diminished presence. hence you worked extra hard. but constantly being told no this no that, youre too big youre too dark, things that invoked a negative vibe of you, from you, made you feel unwanted. hence you turned even closer to the ground in prostration to God. and that's great.
but in voicing your self out like this, it hurts me. why are you calling out someone like this? it's the same as when your mother calls you out, but it's phrased differently. youre just as harsh, just as crude, just as your mother is. or was. what's the difference then?
in hindsight, maybe youre fighting fire with fire. sure, that will hopefully work. but where you and I stand, you have more advantage. I was always told to keep quiet and give in. I was always told to set an example fr my siblings. I was jealous because it seemed you had everything. brains, brauns, our parents and brothers love. fantastic education paths, even when you almost flunked JC you got into NTU and graduated; then a job. whatever I did just wasnt enough. I hated myself, I hated all my moot efforts. I was trying so hard but receiving no validation. I knew I was good at art so I strive hard for that. but it's not enough. and then you. everything you did was amplified. there's nothing wrong, or bad, about you. it's all just goodness. when you do screw up, your puppy dog face and eyes melts the tension away. you dont get unfairly exposed to your grandma and aunts like I have. so from my end, what fucking rights do you have to
be so upset with me? youre vocal, Im vocal. but youre not listening. no one is.

and maybe Im not listening to you too. ​and that's unfair of me. I was so uptight from not being heard I shut you out too.

I lost my first life somewhere after my palms struck your face. I lost my second life when I quit my job at Baskin Robbins. ye, I had been happy with that job yknow, supervisor title after only 6-months in at 20; my parents werent. I lost my third life when I failed Uni, because I believed the world was truly out to get me. nothing I did seemed to earn me favours. being nice only proved that its easy for people to step over me, even my own parents. I lost my fourth life immediately after my third loss because of quarterlife crises. I had doubts about myself, about my life. thinking back, Ive truly come so far.

and now Im responsible for my own life. no one else. the only way to teach responsibility is to strip off all the luxury and good things youve taken fr granted. a majority of the world's eldest children understand this because the good things that had belonged to them got taken away with the arrival of younger siblings. responsibility is an innate gift to them, not necessarily a good thing.

responsibility means youre bagged down with burdens. and truly, younger siblings will never know nor understand. it's the reason why some eldest children crash and burn so bad, while others thrive. there are others whose success isnt worth much but still deserves a commendation for effort alone. it's not easy, that's the bottom line.

so when you call out the youngest sibling to be responsible, it's useless. youre just like mum and dad. telling him to get his shit together, seemingly forcing him to pretend hes deprived of things hes drowned by. forbid and abstain him from these luxuries like we once were. he's got it easy. and note, calling him out like that wont change things as instantly as actions will.

you and I know that best.
​

Labels: family, sibling rivalry, two-thirds

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but I know I did well. I will continue focusing on myself as Nasrun's daughter.

a girl may not have a name for herself, but if its in her father's name, strength comes much easier.

I will continue loving, until no more.

Labels: family, fucking piece of shit, strength, struggle

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My family is the best.

My family is the best at evasion.

My family is the best at being angry all the time.

My family is the best when it comes to secrets and contradictions.

My family is the best when it comes to not listening and feigning ignorance.

My family is the best when it comes to singling out someone who doesnt fit in.

My family is the best when they deny things and avoid confrontation at all cost!

My family is the best when they label all things bad for me ㅡ including my friends.

My family is the best when they wont and dont bend things around for me.

My family is the best when they are happy without me.

I cant find what I need with my family. i dont feel like I'm part of the family. everything I do falls on death ears, cold hearts, black soul. I'll go to find somewhere I can be happy.

my family has no more love for me. I'll find that love on my own.

I have every reason to get mad and don't give a fuck now.
I approached you, ma, for help with WiFi. as usual, you don't know anything. you APPEAR to not know anything. then you call her. and you shout and communicate like that. and her tone of voice when i chimed in was rude. just plain rude. you didnt tell her off because it was normal for you. normal for you to be rude at, to be disrespected ain't it? and i didnt understand anything that was happening. I tried, but I didn't want to. she refused to be clear about it. apparently she changed the extension name. why would she do that? then she proceeded to assume my power line is both wifi and lan connectivity. why can she assume? I didn't understand ㅡ refused to piece the pieces myself ㅡ and her saying I can figure out of myself is no compliment.

anger. I had anger. I am done with this treatment. I dropped my phone. showered. changed. wore my shoes. left.

ma told me off about slamming my things around. i dont care, the things don't bother her. shouldn't she be bothered about some other thing that needs her immediate attention? something that's been happening since, like, years back?

paps saw my 'tantrum' before i went to shower and he left to escape to his boat for a bit, to the bank and back. he's going to jb with ma and her. I had wanted to go. but alas, her taking mc is more important than my job interview. besides, I don't have the money. I'll pass. it's also a great opportunity to see if my parents really bother about trying to do anything about the situation.

I really hope paps does some stern talking with her. remind her that I'm her sister. her older sister. that she's not helping with the situation at home at all. that he fights for me, and later come home to help me.

there goes my expectation again. since 12 years ago.

I hate the immediacy of ma's hot and cold behavior. with everyone. her two face hypocrisy is something I can't change, but I can't stand it either. so help me God, to make sense of these, to find a way for me to heal by moving away from them. to leave them.

this family hurts me.

Labels: family, stop hurting me

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pain surges through every fiber of my being
numbing every possible sensation i once had
pain isnt always literal; metaphorical meaning
isnt as obvious to others as it is to one nomad

every fraction of emotion was poured
for others but we absorb and get floored
every ounce of energy, every thought a moor
a trickle a tear, a trick in your treat
every language was analysed
your reactions made me realized

at times when i didnt want to be alone
lies the truth that i have to be alone
where Im constantly surrounded at home
inevitably becomes my prison-tomb

# # #

It is clear where I stand in terms of importance or even existence when my siblings are involved. Thank you for making it obvious for the past 20 years and counting — I can count on you guys to draw the line of what I want my life to be in the future, and what the people I should surround myself with be about. Thank you for being so lacking in being the siblings that we are by blood. I will go look for my own siblings elsewhere. The only thing I can excuse is the fact that you're all still growing... and that you guys have yet to experience the lost of someone thats actually important until they're gone... until Im gone.

I'll wait for that time. Even if it has to happen when we're all no longer around.

Labels: disappointment never felt more damaging, family, I wanna leave and never return, please excuse me, so done with this, this is my downside talking

.

Since 2005, Ive documented my stupidity, emotions and thoughts in this blog. After more than 1,200 posts, I think it's time I acknowledge the tremendous positive effects from this unlisted online, digital journal. Given that this blog is only known to a handful of those who mattered, I was able to be as honest and as truthful to my emotions and thought processes on the fly. With there being a mobile app for this blog, centered purely on the basis of content making, continuing in earnest to jot down every raw, fresh memory in hope that it will come in handy someway, somehow.

Thankfully, and a little bit of unfortunate circumstances, it's come to prove handy. Recalling the previous episodes from minor grievances to major breakdowns, I can look back and make the necessary comparisons. Best of all, I can look back and lay claim that I own this misery, this blight that I am, because together with it, I also own the light and happiness that comes with. Because I deserve it.

I know I do, but whether I can exercise the things I am able to register is a different thing.

Everything came to a head on Sunday evening. The truth was, the book end Ive placed in my head to separate my fiction and non-fiction sections began to crumble. The fiction section, a nicer term for the ugly, and the non-fiction, a more reluctant term for grounded reality. The book end was slowly being obliterated by the sheer force from the fiction section. The entity was slowly overwhelming me in a way I cannot provide a counter attack. It swam around tirelessly, swimming around my head, leaving swirling trails of excruciating migraine.

And then I snapped.

All I see was black and these geometric colours where my meek voice was trying to fend off the shrill voice of a woman I cannot identify. Til now, that was all I could remember. I faintly recall my legs carrying me to ly's place. I faint recall ly's presence all around me. I was out, and Im still not sure what happened in real time. It was 8:09PM when I last looked at my watch then — I almost stumbled down the bus. I came to on ly's bed, and it was 10PM.

Ive never been on this side of the A&E — the inside. I was put on a bed after the nurse said I have good friends, and I was left to observe the situation around me. Alone. In A&E. The doctor that examined me was nice. He said it's got a very long and difficult name — it's true I cant remember it either, now that I try to recall lolol a lot of waiting, a lot of thoughts, a lot more voices I try to shut down. fnad and ly sent me to A&E, and they stayed there waiting for me until well past 2AM — before I was transported to IMH an hour later.

Jurong doctor was great, he asked me questions that I can relate to and answer immediately — sense of hearing: I heard the voices, my meek voice soft as if its barely holding on, the other voice overwhelming, multiplied in over my head; sense of sight: no I had my eyes closed. scrunched up actually. saw geometrical shapes in ever-changing colour. varying intensities. when it first hit, I saw flashing red-blue-purples. then it gradually changed to yellow-orange. and then some soft, pale yellow. then pulse green, and then navy blue all the way. sense of touch: I didnt feel any crawling under my skin, no tingle whatsoever. sense of smell: I dont recall smelling anything out of the ordinary but my breathing felt like it was hitched. sense of taste: bitterness. maybe it wasnt my tongue. maybe that was something else. Jurong doctor was reassuring, comforting, and really nice. I didnt have the chance to thank him whole-heartedly — Im hoping my constant expression of gratitude is enough.

IMH doctor on the other hand, went through quizzing questions with me like another polyclinic assessment. He asked me what were my thoughts like, the history and nature of my attacks. Honestly how would I know. It's my first breakdown that I didnt see coming, and that I had allowed. Then again, what was I expecting? Possible triggers at that point of time were channeled towards my family — particularly my mum. So we went through questions that didnt seem to be helping me because at the end of the whole thing, he said that I have depression but its not severe because my mood is the only one that is not affected, while everything is seems pretty drastic. There was no need to ward me, so he pressed for anti-depressants and psychologist appointment.

I went home on the cab, and because I didnt bring my wallet, had to call Mum down to get me and pay for the cab fare. It was 6AM. In the lift, Mum asked as bluntly as she could. I refused to talk too much though. That was it.

Farah Nad came over to visit me earlier. Both she and ly kept saying I shouldnt beat myself up for 'troubling' others since it's the least anyone should do for their loved ones. I had to differ, but I kept it inside because it was family. And thats the problem, isnt it? I kept to myself so much that it just overflows in such a way? Ironic how family is all there is and all there was.
We talked about things, shared stories, and I tried to find out what happened while I was out.

It broke me to see her try and explain that the plain look on my face that night crushed the both of them so much — my darkened circles, bulging never-before-seen eye bags, my faint energy.

It rained during maghrib. I dedicated the sudden blasting pour to myself and started reading some blog posts before fnad came over. Reaching home, I only managed to sleep for 2 hours - 8AM-10AM. It will be a great sleep tonight, I can feel it. So heres to a good end of the day of trauma: Happy Halloween gang hahaha. There are two songs that have been my saving grace every morning, and every night. The obvious, first one is One More Light by Linkin Park, and the other is this.. Evanescence's My Heart is Broken.



I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you

I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart)

I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold

Labels: #suchafah, family, how do we deal with this, how long have i kept this in, how now brown cow, it's so hard to express this shit in words, keep calm and carry fah, well now, what the flying fuck, word vomit

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i cannot stand how my parents consistently associate condescending phrases and terms with me.

cheap woman. no dignity. shameful. selfish. self-indulgant. embarrassment.

there is no pride or happiness with me. there is no jokes or laughter. it's always just negative, breaking downs and pointing attitudes against me.

i dare say, the only thing theyve taught me is to fight for my own voice and independence. this is not a family. this is hell.

i'll be damned if i leave social media, just to prove a point to them that i dont need it.

i use it, so that my hopes to communicate with my own blood and bone can reach them. but they dont think the way i can. they dont feel the way i do.

the way i see it, im not worth in their eyes anymore. if my own parents wont even regard me with respect as the eldest child, im doomed. all the struggle and effort i put in all this time just to try and 'redeem' myself in their eyes are all for nothing. i pray Allah release them from their
blinded eyes and jaded hearts. im done trying fr the last 10years.

everything has come full circle to them. it's all my fault, because im selfish. joke.

i'll show them how selfish i can actually get from here on out.

Labels: dont you dare, family, stop hurting me

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FOR TEN YEARS, 10 LONG YEARS IVE BEEN SO AFRAID OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME, OF WHAT YOU WILL SAY TO ME BECAUSE YOUR WORDS HURT SO BAD. EVER SINCE THE DAY I SLAPPED HER, EVERYTHING SEEMED TO CHANGE. I WAS NO LONGER A BRIGHT CHILD, I WAS THE MOST PROBLEMATIC. I GET TO TASTE EVERY SINGLE PUNISHMENT POSSIBLE TO INFLICT ON A HUMAN CHILD. I COULDNT GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING. I DIDNT HAVE EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED. MATERIAL STUFF NEVER MEANT TO ME ANY MORE SO THAN MY OWN FREEDOM.

SINCE YOUNG, I WAS CONSTANTLY LYING ABOUT THINGS BECAUSE I WAS DENIED SO MANY THINGS THAT I REALLY WANTED TO TRY. YOU SAID IT WAS TO PROTECT ME. I BELIEVED YOU. I DIDNT LET ME PUSH TO TRY ANYTHING. UNLESS MY HEART REALLY SPOKE OUT.. LIKE BASKETBALL. OR ARTS. A LOT OF THINGS WASNT MY HAIL TO DIE SO I LET THEM GO. I FELT SO RESTRICTED, I FOUND A FRIEND IN BARBIE. I WASNT ALLOWED TO DO SO MANY THINGS, I BECAME A REBEL AND A DREAMER. I REBELLED BECAUSE I REALIZED THERE WERE STILL THINGS THAT I REALLY WANTED TO TRY TO DO.. REALLY WANTED TO TRY TO GET. I WASNT GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRY.

I WASNT ALLOWED TO TRY ANYTHING AND THAT BROKE ME APART SO MUCH. THERE WERE TOO MANY DANGERS, YOU SAID. YOU WERE GONNA PROTECT ME, YOU SAID.

SO I LET YOU. AND THE MORE I OBEYED, THE MORE DEPRIVED I BECAME. I WAS A VERY CURIOUS CHILD. I WAS SUCH A BRAVE, AMBITIOUS SOUL. YOU BROUGHT ME UP WITH METHODS THAT LET THE BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG ME, DIE INSIDE. I BECAME BITTER. I WAS POISONOUS. I WAS MY OWN POISON. WHEN SHE AND HIM CAME ALONG, ALL THOSE RESTRICTIONS ON ME WERE NOT MIRRORED ONTO THEM. IF THEY EVER GOT INTO TROUBLE, IT WAS BECAUSE I TRIED TO GET THEM TO START WITH ME. BUT NO, YOU SAW THROUGH THOSE. WHY CANT YOU SEE IT NOW?

THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GAIN MY FALLEN GRACE, TO EARN YOUR FAVOUR BECAUSE YOU NEVER TALKED TO ME. YOU NEVER JOKED WITH ME. YOU NEVER TOUCHED ME FOR TICKLES. YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME WITH MONEY. YOU NEVER LET ME GO ON MY OWN. YOU TRUSTED HER TO DEAL WITH HIM, WHEN IVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH AND I WAS THE ELDEST. I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND TO THIS DAY. IM STILL TRYING TO EARN WHATEVER THINGS THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD GET FROM YOU.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I DONT THINK THEYRE IMPORTANT ANYMORE. FAMILY IS A GIVEN, YOU CANT CHOOSE THEM. BUT I CAN CHOOSE WHERE THEY STAND IN MY PRIORITY LIST. I NO LONGER WANT TO GIVE ANYMORE ATTENTION BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE IVE BEEN BROUGHT UP TO PRIORITIZE OTHERS, TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS' FEELINGS ESPECIALLY "FAMILY". NOBODY TOOK CARE OF MINE. THEY USED IT AGAINST ME. THERE IS NO TRUST, NO RESPECT, NO MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN ME AND THE WORLD OF FAMILY. EVERYTHING I SAY IS ONLY USED AS AMMO TO TAKE ME DOWN, EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME.

IM TIRED OF ALL THE VERBAL ABUSE THATS BEEN THROWN AT ME SINCE I WAS 14. I AM SO FUCKING SCARED OF IT, EVEN NOW. BUT IM SUCH A WEAK PERSON, OH MY GOD. I LET MYSELF LET THEM INTO MY HEAD. MY STAND, MY HAPPINESS, MY SELF WAS OVERSHADOWED AND BELITTLED BY THEM. THEY CALLED ME NAMES, THEY LET ME BELIEVE I WAS NOT WORTH BEING CALLED THE ELDEST CHILD. I FELT ALL THOSE.

I LEARN TO BE INDEPENDENT BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT THAT WOULD IMPRESS YOU. MAYBE THAT COULD LET YOU SEE THAT I AM RELIABLE. THAT I AM CAPABLE OF BEING THE ELDEST. THAT MY CAMOU PANTS AND HOPES TO BE BORN A SON CAN NOW BE THROWN FAR AWAY BECAUSE I DONE IT. I THOUGHT IF I BOUGHT MYSELF ALL THE THINGS I WANT, THAT YOU WOULD COME BACK TO ME AND CALL ME YOUR DAUGHTER AND TREAT ME MORE LIKE YOUR CHILD THAN YOUR ADOPTED ONE. THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF MY ACHIEVEMENTS, AND COME TO HUG ME AND KISS ME AND WATCH ME SLEEP. I THOUGHT THAT IF I COULD PLAN AND PAY FOR MY OWN OVERSEAS LEISURE TRIP, THAT YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF. THAT I AM NOW AN ADULT AND WE CAN HAVE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS.

I THOUGHT THAT WHEN I TOLD YOU TO NOT WORRY ABOUT MY LOANS FOR UNIVERSITY, YOU WOULD BE MORE SUPPORTIVE AND SMILE AT ME MORE, THAT I WOULD WAKE UP EVERYDAY WITH EVERYONE AT HOME AND TELLING ME TO GO BREAK A LEG AND REACH FOR THE STARS AT 24.

NO.

YOU NEVER SAW THOSE.

YOU NEVER ASKED ME.

YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF MY REASONS.

YOU ONLY SAW REBEL, MISCHIEVIOUS, THOUGHTS OF RUNNING AWAY.

YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO TROUBLESHOOT THESE "ERRORS" BECAUSE THEY WERE THREATS TO YOU AND YOUR HOME THAT A PRISONER WAS BREAKING OUT.

TO ME, THEY NEVER WERE ERRORS. THEY WERE OPPORTUNITIES FOR ME TO CONTINUE TO HOPE AND MAYBE BE LIKE YOU. OR BETTER.

IM SICK OF CRYING ANGRY TEARS EVERY NIGHT FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS. CRYING BECAUSE MY EFFORTS ARE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED. CRYING BECAUSE OF OTHERS. BECAUSE OF THEM.

IM TIRED OF HAVING TO LISTEN TO A CHAOTIC NOISE THAT IM FORCED TO CALL HOME, WHERE EVERYONE IS FOR THEMSELVES WHEN I JUST EVERYONE TO LAZE AROUND THE COUCH AND TALK IN THE EVENING.

IM SCARED OF HAVING TO BE LIABLE FOR THINGS THAT WAS NEVER MY FAULT, BUT NOT YOURS TOO, BECAUSE YOUR FEARS AND YOUR UNKNOWING WAYS TO FACE THE WORLD TERRIFIED YOU. IT NEVER TERRIFIED ME.

I WAS MORE AFRAID OF YOUR WORDS THAT COULD BREAK ME FROM THE INSIDE. IT CAN BREAK YOUR CHILDREN'S MENTAL STABILITY.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT TELLING YOU THAT I HAD HAD DEPRESSION. BECAUSE TO YOU, FLAWS OF THIS LEVEL MEANT WEAKNESS AND TROUBLESOME MEANS TO RECOVER. YOU FEARED PAIN. I WAS SO READY TO EMBRACE IT.

BECAUSE I WANTED TO FEEL AGAIN.


I THOUGHT ALL THIS. AND I WILL LEAVE THIS BEHIND. I REALLY WANT TO LEAVE THIS BEHIND. I DONT WANT TO SURROUND MYSELF WITH NEGATIVITY ANYMORE. I WANT TO STOP BEING AFRAID OF YOUR WORDS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TRUE. THEY ARE HURTFUL, BUT YOU ARE HURTING YOURSELF MORE FOR BELIEVING THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE STUPID OR THOSE OTHER NAMES THAT YOU CALL US. THAT YOU CALLED ME.

I PRAY THAT ALLAH HAS ENLIGHTEN YOU, AFTER YOU WENT VISITING HIM. IF NOTHING HAS CHANGED, THEN I MIGHT DO SOMETHING DRASTIC JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT I CAN SURVIVE AND SMILE A LOT MORE THAN I COULD POSSIBLY EVERY DREAM OF.

Labels: #suchafah, family, how long have i kept this in, keep calm and carry fah, stop hurting me, this is more than enough

.

aku paling tua, aku yang tanggung. aku paling tua, aku kena tau cara jaga hati korang. ada korang jaga hati aku? tak. ada korang fikir nasib aku? tak. ada aku complain, beritahu kat korang? ada. tapi tak didengar; kena marah balik ada lah. apa dah jadi? takpa, aku boleh tanggung.
aku paling tua, aku yang tanggung. ini amanah aku sebagai yang tua. aku tua, aku tau.

(im the eldest, so i'll take responsibility. im the eldest, so i have t know how to take care of you guys -- especially emotionally. have you guys ever tried to take care of me? nope. have you guys ever thought of me and my situations? nope. have i ever complained or told you guys? yes. but it fell on deaf ears; it backfired instead. what's happened? it's okay, i'll bear the consequences.
im the eldest, i'll take responsibility. this is the trust and loyalty thats to be fulfilled, bestowed upon the eldest. im the eldest, i know.)

Labels: family, this is why

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it's funny.

i never dreamt it was possible for me to have found someone i can die for, apart from family. (though Family is a topic to be spared another day never). I have never thought that it was possible for someone like me to love someone so hard.

is this love? is it?

when he's successful, you feel proud. when he's angry, you break inside. when he's tired, you wanna wrap your body around him and shield him. when he's weak, and he rarely shows it, you know when it hits and you wanna hold his hand just so he remembers that youre there to help him. when he's hurt, you cant show youre hurt too.

but all i do is cry with every emotion. it's just so overwhelming.

because what i feel is not contained within 1 person. it's 2. you are me, too. i hate that with every spike of emotion, regardless positive or negative, my tears get triggered. so i force the majority of that emotional chunk away, and i end up coming out cold to you sometimes. yes, im aware most of the time.

it's almost as if my system's functioned to please you more than anything.

is this love? is it?

im not hurt. im not sad. im definitely not angry. but the only emotion that registers into my senses as of late is just nagging numbness. did i blow an emotional fuse? but the heart is incredibly indescribable with even just the thought of you.

i am selfish. i want to be the only world you need, yet im so incompetent and weak. i want to be the only thing/person you breathe, yet i tend to choke you. i want a life so free and spirited, yet there needs to be a fixed system to things.

baby i dont mind that you dont have time for me. just please dont not make time for me. at least if youve tried, i wont be as bitter. you tried.

i trust your judgement and logical senses. i may be placing you a a little too high on the pedastal of perfection and ideal, but nothing will change my trust in your sensible judgement.

even with that said, the thing that will hurt me most -- and this goes fr anybody, friends family even strangers -- dont go against your word. yes, im gullible. yes, im dumb fr always expecting and putting high hopes with my naivety. yes, im too much a simpleton i become a burden at times. yes, i know, and i will bear the consequences. but please just dont say things you cant keep. dont tell me things that you dont end up doing.

dont make me believe and expect, only to be disappointed and crushed because someone didnt keep their word. i will be salty. bitter, even. the worst feeling is you get to bed feeling so bad and so lonely because youve been let down. the length of this downcast is different for different people.

and then we have the incorrigible love-default system but it's all a farce.

it's a repetitive, constant cycle, as if im made to die and relive the whole thing again and die again and hopefully the lesson learnt will get me to change fr the next cycle.

my life is fleeting.

Labels: family, pang the popiah

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you know what doesnt make sense, ma?

when you demand respect but you dont even troubleshoot the problem of a disrespected eldest child in your household. you let the rift between sis and i carry on for years now because youre more afraid of her than you ever will be with me. because you know i'll listen, and she wont.

so this is the problem that triggered everything. and you know what, i wont give two shits about this. i feel like being nice is actually not a nice thing in this house. i dont feel respected, appreciated, and i feel like i dont matter as an individual except as a burden or a pawn in each of yall respective affairs. im not heard, but because i know my worth and what its like to not exist despite being alive,

i'll give yall whatchu need.

Labels: family, rant to feel better

.

everything is so explosive.

there is no need for things to be so loud.

the art of living graceful, peaceful lives can only be appreciated by so many.

you talk about religion, but you dont even listen when religion's teachings is to listen.

I dont want to fight and argue with you eveytime theres a disagreement. why cant we just move along.

why are you so insistent about respect? do you even know the proper way our religion's respect in both giving and receiving?

I'll keep praying for you so that you may receive all the berkahs and blessings as a mother would receive for birthing troubled souls.

Labels: family, rant to feel better

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Dad bought a secondhand car. he traded out the darling Mazda 5 for a Suzuki. it looks like a sportback but I will never be sure as of yet. both of my old folks insisted on sending me to school today because they just had the car yesterday and thought it'd be a pleasant surprise for me. I honestly dont mind the car, whether we still own one or not, but its always nice to have a sort of travel convenience for the family.

Dad mentioned about the payment/prices. its SGD$840/month to be paid for 54 months until the day Dad goes broke. then we'll have to return the car. so its like a pay-and-use-monthly kinda system, to my understanding at least la hor. and then from there, it kinda took off. I asked about the term Free-hold for apartments. Dad explained that its your property without ties to the government, unlike HDB where its a 99-year lease. he carried on, saying that now the apartment has our names.

and that both mam and paps have a settled their wills for us in case anything happens in the future.

and that, in accordance with Hukum Faraid, the males will receive more percentage and owns in the will of my parents. that means, the younger brother will gain precedence to whatever that is dictated in the will. im not one who wants to fret over issues concerning money and the likes but for once, this worries me. it suddenly hit me that I really need to step up my role as the eldest and start being more serious about my life.

its time i reflect, once again, about how I wanna go about with my life. I definitely dont want to put out the free-spiritedness that I cherish and take pride in, yet the idea of bearing more responsibilities for the family's sake sees me being too rigid in the future.

head back to prayer and confidence, because all I have right now is God and myself. Hor.

Labels: family, this fear

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for Mum and Dad: what is your expectation of a first child? what do you want from me?

for younger sister: have you still not forgiven me? do you not miss an older sister? how will we take care of the family, since youre more reliable (and depended on) than me?

for younger brother: what is your dream? how will you get to it? why is school such a burden to you? is your heart dead? how are you gonna help yourself if family is not in your life's picture?

for the family: am i replaceable? will i be forgotten? what do I do so that I can be a better first child/eldest sibling?


# # # # #

my predicament of almost getting kicked out of school
has flipped the situation at home:
mum seems happy, dad is visibly upset.


and now that school has given me the green light to carry on with school
(though I still bear reservations with this until tmr):
mum is fairly okay, dad is even more upset.


he even spoke to me with such harsh, cold tone. I dont understand. the only reason i can try to link this with is financial matter. but I never took your money with the school fees — Mendaki is covering for me. and I have less than 2 years to finish school. why then are you so bitter? i dont get it.

Labels: family, how long have i kept this in, why you do this to me

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im tired of fighting for my life everyday





# # # # #

this isnt home. this is a goddamn prison. why am i even restricted to scold my younger brother and teach him some manners. its not like the both of you are doing any good with him either. and what, just cos i open my mouth to speak to him regardless of my tone, thats a red alert for you? rude. you both are very rude. if this is how you treat your eldest daughter — like she doesnt exist — then I will really not want to exist.

you dont want me to compare between whoever so stop fucking differentiating the way you treat your kids. youve spoilt your son, youve chained your eldest daughter. what did the second child ever do for you, to you, to grant her this much ease at home when I cant even fucking smile or laugh freely? im fucking 24, but you still preach at me about life. im sick and tired of having to think about what to do with me, for you, by your standards, with your ideals all the fucking time. i cant be happy, i cant be me. you want me to be me, but you dont understand me. and when you dont understand me, you put me down. when you put me down, you use the harshest words possible to be uttered by a parent to their child. worse, uttered to their first child.

ive been living my life full of fear of negations, rejection, displeasure, by all your mental abuse. the words you throw at me, no filter, are as sharp as icicles. i have no idea, i have no faith, i have no trust, im definitely losing my respect to the both of you. it really saddens me that all my efforts are futile, trying to talk to you, to listen to you. when i get desperate and do crazy things to get you to see how im near my ends, you bring me down farther into the abyss. you dont see that I cant talk to anyone because I dont want to talk to anyone but you. the both of you. that im trying, for 10 years already, to try and talk to the both of you.

i dont understand and i dont know how you view me but i get the feeling that you both dont view me as a very bright person. i appear cheap, i appear vain, i appear violent. so you ditch me aside and gossip about me to each other, to other family members. i dont know if you notice, but by you doing all these things, its not actually tainting my name. it's making me appear more sympathetic to them, and its tainting your image both as a person and as a parent.

oh my god, Allah help me I dont know what the both of you want from me.

I know what I want. I KNOW. WHAT I WANT. to do. to buy. to get. to eat. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I KNOW ME. but none of that matters because im straying waaay beyond what you had hoped i'd be. well, i never knew this. i never knew what you had wanted me to be. i never knew your expectations. so im always barely there. im barely doing it. what i do properly is to have fun. is to be happy. i do things that make me happy very well. BUT THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY ARE THE THINGS YOU CLAIM TO BE BAD. YOU TRY TO KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME. YOU TRY TO KEEP ME CONFINED. SHELTERED.

NO. THATS IS STUPID THAT IS HOMICIDAL HOW COULD YOU. I know what I want since I was young. I know what I want but I was never sure because YOU NEVER MADE ME FEEL IMPORTANT. APPRECIATED. GIFTED. I NEVER FELT POWERFUL TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE. heck I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM NEEDED TO DO. and now, when Im so sure of what I want, the negation starts and Im back to square one.

Back to Square One. every single day. did you know that? No.

BECAUSE EVERY TIME I APPEAR TO BE MOODY OR CRYING, YOU TELL ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ASK ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WITH THOSE RUDE, JUDGMENTAL EYES. I DONT NEED MONEY, GODDAMNIT. I WANT FUCKING DINNER WITH THE FUCKING FAMILY AND REGAIN THE IMPORTANCE FAMILY ONCE HAD TO ME. GOD FORBID I BEHAVE MYSELF OVER DINNER IF IT HAPPENS BECAUSE IT'LL MAKE ME SO HAPPY I'LL BE THE CRAZIEST, HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

but you wont know. you wouldnt. cos none of this matters. none of you talk to me. none of you listen.

i dont matter.

Labels: family, fight for freedom, this is why, what the flying fuck, why am I not at ease

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please dont think that im constantly just spewing money talk senselessly. it takes me forever to let you know of my money issues because i think about you and mum. all the time.
im already 23 now, going 24, yet im still asking for your financial support when im supposed to be the one supporting you at 53. youre not young anymore, pa. i know this. and i feel really bad that i have to constantly rely on you to put food on the table. please understand its been very hard for me to make decisions now because im the oldest and i have to shoulder the family after you. it pains me to see you working even now. whats worse, youre working far away, away from home. when we talk, it's always about serious stuff. i know how to tell apart your different laughters, and i dont like hearing you laugh while you cry.

you laugh when youre sorry and guilty. dont be. please. i dont want to burden you anymore. please trust that spending all these money for me is investment in our family.

im sorry for causing you so much pain. im sorry for being the dumb, stupid, violent, selfish daughter and firstborn. im sorry im a girl. im sorry i cant be of more help to you at the moment. im sorry im not reliable like how farah is. im sorry that for every effort, im mistaken as a bad girl. im sorry for not being trustworthy enough, for not being strong enough, to handle on my own.

to be honest, i dont know how to prove to you. i dont know how to tell you that everything will be okay. its exactly that im 23 that both you and ma are worried sick, constantly pondering about our future — your kids. im 23, but im new at being 23. you dont want me to make mistakes, but what mistakes have you done? education is subjective, because the highest ranked people arent necessarily the best of people. you both have taught and given me the best morals i've stood for. they are my foundation. this is who i am, but with that said, you get worried because my foundation sees me going against the norm.

im always struggling, im always falling behind, because im constantly challenging the constraints of the shallow people that rule majority of the society. im made to fall behind from them. i dont give up but it gets harder every day. the fight is not necessary anymore. whats important is my soul. so with decisions there comes consequences. some things are meant to be sacrificed,

but does that mean i have to sacrifice my parents for this? must i be the reason dad is working overseas constantly, trying to feed my needs that stems from school? ive worked hard all my life, i know ive done enough independent things - from working full-time, to saving, to leaving for overseas, all on my own. ive had my fair share of struggles because i didnt want to burden you. these are the things i dont see happening with my siblings. i dont know why, but i take it upon myself because im the eldest. so why do i still have to go through, to experience pains when i tell you of my financial needs right now? why do i put myself through this, bowing at your feet as i apologize for needing your financial support, for needing you to bend your back and risk your life to provide for me accordingly?

because i want you to trust me. i want you to know that this isnt something for you to worry about. these are now my issues. i dont have to get you to sign my indemnity forms any longer. i must learn to settle things on my own. i will make it happen and i will help you eventually. i dont want to be the reason you feel guilty anymore, papa, mama. i dont want you to be burdened by this.

so please dont mistake my animosity for being spiteful to the family. i dont want to be affected by all these emotions that im feeling as im typing these out. i dont want these tears to blur my focus as i continue fighting for good grades for you, to reach standards for myself. but please, also learn how to let me be part of the family. because at the rate im doing, at the rate im going, i no longer feel like im part of the family. i dont feel like i belong anywhere. nobody asks me how im doing, nobody listens to me when i try to answer their "how are you, what have you been up to"

because im just another art-dreamy-kid that will no doubt fail again. your faces give it away, and your ignorance, your intolerance affects me. more than you will ever know.

im sad. im disappointed. im really, really apologetic. my life is a struggle, and i still dont have anyone fighting with me, for me. its unfortunate, but not even my parents are willing to defend me against a younger sister that isnt necessarily doing well in her science degree in NTU.

pray for me. that i dont give up on life the third time.
i no longer wish to explain myself to people who dont listen — be it youre of flesh and blood, or ties from life's journey(s).

Labels: #fahfordigipen, #suchafah, but it goes on for long, family, pain is only temporary, stop hurting me, this is why, why am I not at ease, why you do this to me

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last night, before we went to fetch an important figure back home, i went to consult the dentist. the back of my gums (and teeth) were aching quite bad. the swell subsided in the morning but it was a little too much of an unbearable the night before. it's my wisdom tooth. it's totally overcome by the gums that it's capsized almost ninety degrees straight. it's scary, and painful. and right now, the thought that i have to go for surgery to remove my wisdom tooth is scary. friends who have undergone the surgery before seemed to suffer a lot from the pain. theyre pretty speech-useless for about a week. my main concern isnt the talking though. im fine without speaking — i'd rather it that way anyway — but the thought that i cant eat normal food is really draining my spirit HAHAHA it was quite an exciting discovery to know that im still somehow normal in a sense. what's creepier is the fact that i actually cant wait to go for the surgery. i need to know i can feel properly, and pain is always a good test. i wanna see and gauge my reaction to it too, whether im losing my senses or my mind first. /peace/ a pretty cheery event on my part because i benefited lolol

we went to fetch my old man after that. a very painful moment of my life. things were changing inside of me, inside my head. im gradually sinking into the fixation that i am no longer one with the family, that i am the odd one out. the scariest part of it all, im not scared. it's as if my mind had always whispered to me, saying these kinds of things happen to every single motherfucking family in the world. there will always be that one odd ball in the family that doesnt stick together with the group so much. they will always be minding their own business, zoning in and out as they wish and always thinking about themselves, warped in their own world. i confess though, i thought it was the sister. turns out, when i analyze the situation further from my mind's eye, it was me. the one always chasing, the one always having problems with them, the one who is over the top sensitive and emotional, the one who is creating all the distresses in the family..

it's me.

it was me the whole damn time. it's like everyone is looking at me and thinking that i should be left alone and struggle, as if being alone was what i always wanted.

no.

being alone is scary, but if it protects everybody else, keeps them sane and safe, then let me disappear. i will disappear. eventually. and all the sadness will stop.

Labels: #suchafah, family, how now brown cow, when did this happen, why I think that I think of things like these

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today, or rather, yesterday, my service was almost flawless. almost because of the faults of this morning. but it hit me. Im better off somewhere else. to polish, be better. if I truly love, then I can let go. because love can be both the poison and cure to your own mind. before it taints me any more, I will let it go.. let it heal me proper to allow me to stand up and be bold again.
this love I speak of, it can relate and refer to so many things in my life right now. this juncture, Im very afraid. but I have to stand and fight. to face it, straight up. to be able to bear the consequences, to be able to suffer and rejoice in my victory in the long run. I must prepare myself. but no one is gonna ever be fully prepared, yknow. so, I'll prepare to be prepared for anything. my "ohm" is my blanked mind.

right now, all that is in my head is the monday couple hug on episode 159. gary's hand, jihyo's smile. OMG. I have so many things to do right after I end on Saturday but they can wait. at least give me a week to just blank out and start over. from wherever and whatever I wanna pick myself up from once again. (:
first things first is to set the house straight. without me, nothing is right. the house is a little on the unkempt scale. laundry, lethargy, leprechauns. ^^ after the house would be my room. we can always start from everything in the room. we'll start with the bed. and then to my prized electrical possessions and double check on my caps and clothes. then we can do my schedule. with schedule comes my many dozens lists of things. bucket list, wish list, to do list, lists of lists. HAHAHA

SO MANY PLANS can you tell that I cant breathe? give it a week. or two. maybe two days. //wink
right now, lemme enjoy some blank time with paper boyfriend. I wouldnt want to disclose his name again. toodles~

Labels: #suchafah, family, how now brown cow, love, share the blooming love, where do we start (over), whoa piang, wishing well

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Oh look, another post from back in the old days

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the people i hang out with, even at home, it's like theyre without spirits and hearts. i feel very sad, like, i always do things for them, favours, but they cant even do one thing that makes me, and even them actually, happy altogether. [i am not so selfish, and maybe thats a mistake too]

they only see the surface of me, and judge me like that. they dont understand and they dont talk to me. is family supposed to be like that? im constantly being pulled down because it's like there's 4 people against me. it sucks, and i dont even talk to my siblings anymore. [i dont want to talk to my parent but] now [they] are talking, and they think that just 'cos im still living and not begging for their forgiveness, im okay. wtf, if im not in the wrong i wont be begging for forgiveness. life must go on i am not childish to ponder over issues like that. they dont see, they keep claiming im rude and stubborn. why not they be the eldest child of this household for a change, yknow?
[i work, i get my own money. when i have to go print and buy stuff, i only use my money and the money that i saved up from their allowance to me. i dont live off them, but they think i do. yknow how hard it is for me to go to them and ask them for money because i want this and this this? it's fucking hard, and i dont do that unless im in deep shit, which is hardly ever. but i see my sister, at 17, she's asking for moeny for this and that. woah, seriously to even think she thought of taking advantage of my parents' support.. it humiliates me. i started working at 16 yknow, after O levels done. i really have never seen my sister off to work. i really havent. it hasnt struck me, that part where my sister goes to work. and my bro.. woah, i want to be a good sister in the bad light. at least let me do something that he will be able to see at this current time, yknow. but he doesnt listen, and my parents tell me to back off from bullying him. woah, why do you think i always attack him? because i can still get through to him, but youre not supporting me. when youre angry, you scold him. i try to emphasise the point, but then you change your mind and be lenient to him and tell me off instead. wtf?! so, the bottom line is, everyone's always blaming me. they dont think, they dont slow-talk. it's always fast-paced anger. nothing i do is right, but nothing they do is right too]

and it's an endless cycle. i dont know what to do to make them see. i do things my way, they say im not brought up like that. i do things their way, they say im too dependant and im not growing.
and it's really bad for me because i keep all these things inside. i appear more friendly and cheery outside, but im twice hurting inside. my friends dont even try to do anything now because it's been so long they let me pick myself up. you know how sad i feel, they these friends turn their backs to let me pick myself up because ive been doing it sincefirever? thats why im fucking sensitive to relationship/friendship of any kind. im just very tired of having to stand alone and watch me climb back on my own.

Labels: can we have a minute of silence to listen, family, it's so hard to express this shit in words, you wont understand

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I learned too many things the past few days. something that has a lot to do with life.


this is the lady, that bombshell of a siren. she is no whore, no hollywood superstar, and this picture is just pure amazing. I love looking at this picture, and for once, I thought I loved this woman. but what was I thinking? she's from a very different generation. I only knew nothing but her name and her devolution. death is not pretty, but she was prettiest with death — she was finally rid of all the misery she unnecessarily bounded herself to.

Jenn gave me a little something to read. back when she visited Manchester, she went to visit an art gallery and boy, they are really grandeur Singapore doesnt even deserve to be called an artistic hub. we're not even close to embracing art. whut.


the art gallery magazine is called fine art collector and it is dope. the gallery's name? Castle Galleries with tonnes of outlets all over England! such magazook(s) (magazine+books) can only be found out of Singapore. Im not even joking. there are really awesome pieces, and the best (and also pretty sad) part about the oil painting pieces is that it's really cheap and affordable despite it's dazzling quality! WHERE CAN YOU FIND SUCH PIECES?!! Hallelujah Art outside of Singapore!! ♥

it's also where I got to see a brief tease of the 8-piece Marilyn photographs taken by Eve Arnold. Wow.


as I was reading the magazook while searching for things to be awed at, and also trying to ink some graphic on my papers, I came to find that I was pretty bored. remembering how I'd wanted to keep records of pictures from day to day, regardless of the format and the situation (also, content/context of the pictures) I started taking pictures. of myself. in the different modes of the online webcam. in the gallery. when Jenn wasnt watching. HAHAHAHA








because this is freaky, I shall simmer down its size. I didnt even expect this scary face to come out. I mean seriously, who am I kidding. it obviously looks like a morph between the exorcism+she-hulk+greensatan+uglybetty -..- it's actually pretty embarrassing. I posted this picture up on facebook anyway, and the response was... warm. HAHAHA

AN AMAZING DREAM TOOK PLACE DURING MY SLEEP!
I SHALL SHARE IT WITH ALL OF YOU SOON ENOUGH HOHOHO

I bought threadless tees!! wow wow wow Hahahaha and before that, I spent 28bucks on groupon voucher. haircare and treatment lolol funny but I was really enthused. today saw the greatest virgin experience I've ever encountered in the year 2012! I did my very first online purchase-transaction with my debit card, and I feel real good. adrenalin rushed after a successful buy, and then I started for threadless. so many tshirts I'd wanna get, but I was slowly becoming broke? I really have to watch out for this because I really cannot see cash with three-digits it will all waste away — especially when the adrenaline flushes in like this. So... here are the designs I got:



(from top left) watercolor waterguns | water, water | stay golden | satans little helpers | know your nerds
I really like them, and I am very excited to get them into my wardrobe stash too! it's all real pretty. OOOH CANNOT WAIT. I am actually kinda worried about the posting thing. because you see, the 1st and the 4th designs were running out fast. I just whisked my way through the order and BAM! Done. So.

We Wait.




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I am still at the crossroads of deciding between a degree in Vis. Comm. Design or Theatre Drama. I havent listed out the benefits and stuff yet, so I will never know. I have to start doing up my research too. Dino gave me a very interesting link on twitter before too. very insightful. jobs website. like, jobs. to hire people. and it's drilled towards design/arts scopes. Im really thankful, bb. (Y) Im fixed on getting my portfolio somewhere to near perfection.. with my ideals on graphics and comic+publication. whoop whoop I be pumped up naooo

Oh, and a couple of days back, Xiaomeng replied to my email!!


her proficiency in the English language is getting better as far as I can remember from the last time I've talked to her. at least I can understand her. only I have her photo, so I gave her a tad bit of an update that's a little tad off than my current image. Hahaha the main point is, she still remembers me, she still misses me too and we have both graduated! whoot whoot~



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0606 is a pretty number. Ryan Higa's birthday, Marcus taugehchovy's birthday and my parents' anniversary. it's been 21 years. I hope they stay strong all the wayyy~ tonight was real special and precious. I have never felt so happy and serene whilst being around them. we went to Sembawang Cottage, had awesome Thai food, felt like a real happy five-person family, enjoyed a short slack at our former lepak space at Upper Seletar Reservoir... it was all cool. I really had a blast. maybe it's because I've grown strong enough to just face everything theyre throwing at me head-on.

Or maybe it's just because I can no longer be bothered anymore.

Labels: design and art, f*ckyeah, fah says, family, happy, thank you, things to see, you wont understand

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If you're told to give up the things that make you happy to make others happy, what would you do?
If you're told to give up on a person you've cherished for so long because theyre not happy with you, what would you do?
If you're broken to pulps because of judgement, regardless of your passion, what would you do?

If you're me — and you know me very well — you know I'd rather die than decide anything.. Right?

Labels: ★, fah says, failure, family, fuck la, i just lost it all, offences, philosophy, you wont understand

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