I see. so you have a slight(?) trauma with authoritative figures; yet, you desire order, control. and that's the thing, isn't it? only you can. others cannot. it's all in-your-face methods with you because that's the only thing you know. to you, it seems to be the most civilised method to "leadership", "responsibility". right now, you're standing on top of everyone who used to 'shut you down' - your mother against your cosplay thing, your sister against you because you thought she was like your mum and she was jealous of you. the women in your life didnt appear to be there for you. cosplay made you feel like yourself but without your own skin. rebelling against your older sister was a thing because she wasnt heard in the first place, so no one would bother with her. all this, because you were trying to survive. maybe you had looked up to your mother and sister, but you saw and felt like a diminished presence. hence you worked extra hard. but constantly being told no this no that, youre too big youre too dark, things that invoked a negative vibe of you, from you, made you feel unwanted. hence you turned even closer to the ground in prostration to God. and that's great.
but in voicing your self out like this, it hurts me. why are you calling out someone like this? it's the same as when your mother calls you out, but it's phrased differently. youre just as harsh, just as crude, just as your mother is. or was. what's the difference then?
in hindsight, maybe youre fighting fire with fire. sure, that will hopefully work. but where you and I stand, you have more advantage. I was always told to keep quiet and give in. I was always told to set an example fr my siblings. I was jealous because it seemed you had everything. brains, brauns, our parents and brothers love. fantastic education paths, even when you almost flunked JC you got into NTU and graduated; then a job. whatever I did just wasnt enough. I hated myself, I hated all my moot efforts. I was trying so hard but receiving no validation. I knew I was good at art so I strive hard for that. but it's not enough. and then you. everything you did was amplified. there's nothing wrong, or bad, about you. it's all just goodness. when you do screw up, your puppy dog face and eyes melts the tension away. you dont get unfairly exposed to your grandma and aunts like I have. so from my end, what fucking rights do you have to
be so upset with me? youre vocal, Im vocal. but youre not listening. no one is.

and maybe Im not listening to you too. ​and that's unfair of me. I was so uptight from not being heard I shut you out too.

I lost my first life somewhere after my palms struck your face. I lost my second life when I quit my job at Baskin Robbins. ye, I had been happy with that job yknow, supervisor title after only 6-months in at 20; my parents werent. I lost my third life when I failed Uni, because I believed the world was truly out to get me. nothing I did seemed to earn me favours. being nice only proved that its easy for people to step over me, even my own parents. I lost my fourth life immediately after my third loss because of quarterlife crises. I had doubts about myself, about my life. thinking back, Ive truly come so far.

and now Im responsible for my own life. no one else. the only way to teach responsibility is to strip off all the luxury and good things youve taken fr granted. a majority of the world's eldest children understand this because the good things that had belonged to them got taken away with the arrival of younger siblings. responsibility is an innate gift to them, not necessarily a good thing.

responsibility means youre bagged down with burdens. and truly, younger siblings will never know nor understand. it's the reason why some eldest children crash and burn so bad, while others thrive. there are others whose success isnt worth much but still deserves a commendation for effort alone. it's not easy, that's the bottom line.

so when you call out the youngest sibling to be responsible, it's useless. youre just like mum and dad. telling him to get his shit together, seemingly forcing him to pretend hes deprived of things hes drowned by. forbid and abstain him from these luxuries like we once were. he's got it easy. and note, calling him out like that wont change things as instantly as actions will.

you and I know that best.
​

Labels: family, sibling rivalry, two-thirds

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