Dad bought a secondhand car. he traded out the darling Mazda 5 for a Suzuki. it looks like a sportback but I will never be sure as of yet. both of my old folks insisted on sending me to school today because they just had the car yesterday and thought it'd be a pleasant surprise for me. I honestly dont mind the car, whether we still own one or not, but its always nice to have a sort of travel convenience for the family.

Dad mentioned about the payment/prices. its SGD$840/month to be paid for 54 months until the day Dad goes broke. then we'll have to return the car. so its like a pay-and-use-monthly kinda system, to my understanding at least la hor. and then from there, it kinda took off. I asked about the term Free-hold for apartments. Dad explained that its your property without ties to the government, unlike HDB where its a 99-year lease. he carried on, saying that now the apartment has our names.

and that both mam and paps have a settled their wills for us in case anything happens in the future.

and that, in accordance with Hukum Faraid, the males will receive more percentage and owns in the will of my parents. that means, the younger brother will gain precedence to whatever that is dictated in the will. im not one who wants to fret over issues concerning money and the likes but for once, this worries me. it suddenly hit me that I really need to step up my role as the eldest and start being more serious about my life.

its time i reflect, once again, about how I wanna go about with my life. I definitely dont want to put out the free-spiritedness that I cherish and take pride in, yet the idea of bearing more responsibilities for the family's sake sees me being too rigid in the future.

head back to prayer and confidence, because all I have right now is God and myself. Hor.

Labels: family, this fear

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yesterday was great. i had you all to myself in school. you had a colourful array of expressions and moments fr me yesterday, and i loved it. what was impressive was that we both brought our sports attire t go running in the afternoon without mentioning anything to each other. even more impressive was our attire, matching green tops of his tank and my dad's sweater/pullover. well, arent we a good match?

my intention was always to sweat out more before i focus on toning or conditioning. i loved the idea of wrapping my torso to run ー that felt like maximum effort to sweat. (of course, i had to swallow my pride when it came t the sweating portion. i might stink pretty bad, but its got to be done. hurr) the plan kinda worked, so im glad. with that said, im gonna start wrapping my torso when working out but this begs a question then, because as an eczema-ridden person, ive to kinda wear cotton stuff clothing, aka my skin's comfortable wear. cotton traps heat so my skin's ventilation might be at risk. additionally, cotton is thick and heavy. it is something that im not very particular abt but it does matter when im working out. so i dont know if i should keep t this or just wear dri-fit material instead. should i go for skin-comfort-less-visual or breatheable-comfort-better-visual? for now, i guess, wrappers for the betters in terms of sweating it out.
i also brought out my new kneeguard, a tighter patella strap protection for my left knee. it worked s'well. my right knee's protection suffices with just the kneeguard wrap.

one warm-up round w Pang. slow jog around the track, but as im the smaller of us duo, i felt my steps quickening. im aware that im going a little faster towards the end but it was my comfortable speed.
so theres that. when im feeling good and comfortable, when my atheletic pains aka knee problems are held well... oh my. i forgot how awesome it felt to run.
running, sprinting... its one of the reasons fr the birth of my pretty girls, my thunder thighs.

but i switched my mode off midway. i allowed myself to be distracted. i know im not supposed t be distracted when i have a goal but i cleared one of two goals fr the day.
though, honestly, how do you not get distracted when a beautiful man is pushing himself to get back t his greater, fitter form. how do you not get distracted when theres a massive team of SP Infinite Frisbee doing their runs, ruthless throwing their forehands and you only wish t be just as good.

how do you not get distracted when your man will never be listed as a distraction? :3

after we ran, i asked fr a milo session at the vending machine. got my cold milo of choice and settled beside you. calm setting, waiting fr the kids to be done w English class to go have dinner. and then suddenly, i was asked a rather painful question.

"when are we getting married?"

i froze, initially from shock ー so im not the only one hoping fr this. i held myself back from kissing you in that moment, cos that would have been a dangerous situation hahahaha all in all, i was really touched, really pleasantly surprised.
but it hurt me because fr you to get to hold me for life, you have t get through my parents. with my parents, theres the necessary topic of religion and i panicked.

i panicked so much that i dont remember what i'd shared you but i know i blabbered a lot. i honestly cant remember. i want to keep my religion, and i want you to keep yours (or your lack of one.) religion is a personal preference. i dont see how anyone can force someone to belief something that takes a soul to submit his/her entire being into. its a system that needs one to grow into, to build a foundation that begins with this and ends with it too.
religion is not something one can easily halfass because, as much as im not that much a religious person, the foundation is with me every step of the way.. nagging at me and pulling my soulstrings. so, yes, halfass is halfass but you can never entirely runaway from it.

religion is a sensitive issue.. just as finances/money matters are. to me, especially.

it is incredibly heartbreaking if this is the reason why Pang and i cant be together. I don't want to be dictated by religion alone. honestly, the worldly episodes humans experience everyday allow us to reach the spirituality level that all them overly religious/righteous community claim to possess. there's a lot of underlying diss in the last parts of that last sentence and if you feel offended, you should - those who claim to be religious, in my books, are very much the people who constantly contradict themselves.

but knowing Pang, he'll let it slide first. he'll take things slow before rushing in and tackling you with surprise attacks from all sides. I love this man, and i truly hope the future has prepared some more beautiful things for us.

Labels: I want this, my love for you (:, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good, this fear, this man my man

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it happened. i dreamt of you.

you placed me outside of the class.

and walked away with tiny.





i dont know what terrifies me more.

the fact that i know you can easily lift me around

or the fact that you can take me places that i dont want to.





i need to focus on my assignments now, and you yours. i hope to not see you for the next few days.

i hope i can stop myself from talking to you; because already ive gone and let you know through text this horrible dream

and that
you terrified me.

Labels: all my feels, bloshitup, this fear, why you do this to me

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im scared of you.

now.









































im scared of you now

that if i approach you after today, are you going to make me feel again?

i fear sleep tonight because it's definitely coming up into my nightmare.



i dont want to be afraid of you

but i am terrified.

of you.

right now.

Labels: boys, how now brown cow, this fear, very dangerous, why you do this to me

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