relatives ー adults doing very childish adult things. the level of hypocrisy is always surreal with maternal relatives.

sisterhood ー you finally realized. the hypocrisy that you believe youre a devout believer yet you dont practice what you preach or what youve been preached is just nope. it never matches, what you say and what you do. our efforts are always in vain, and it sucks that youre so irked by the world Hes created yet you look to Him and go to great lengths for Him while forgetting those around you when you could do so much more for Him with us. so stop saying you love us. it hurts.

passion ー it hurts when you think its restrictive when all i think about is you and how i can be better for you and for the both of us. there is no correct answer, no correct method to best yourself, so im starting with my roots and focus on soul and spirit. why would i bother looking fr weekend religious classes with my already tight schedule if not for us? i want to be a better person, and theres only so much i can do right now. my roots as a muslim lady lives and dies with me, but i also dont forget that a lot of things go back to the divine universe. it sucks that my day/night had to end with you totally killing my mood. i've never been so disappointed with you before and now that i have, i wish i was never the eager girlfriend to tell you anything and everything. instead i should just do my own thing and keep to trivial stuff to share with you. it sucks. i wish you were born a muslim. or i wasnt a muslim. eitherway i only wish there wasnt a system to define your belief that only separates people. im too open minded to understand the closed and shallow mind of those who cant.

call me selfish, but it's time i should be.

Labels: anger, fuck la, fucking piece of shit, matters of the heart, rant to feel better

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I always felt like the world had something against me. but I never let it get to me for too long because.. you guys were always there for me. 

Labels: F.MC, fah says, fuck la

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out of sorts for the past few weeks. I dont feel deserving. I dont feel like living. but I have to work it out right now. because.
babe.
Im not dying yet.

Labels: fah says, fuck la, let us just go to a place, you wont understand

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I am really suffocated. I have lost my soul. I have lost my purpose in life right now.

I am lost, but, no two fucks will be spared for me.

Labels: failure, fuck la, it's so hard to express this shit in words, what are we to do with this situation, whoa piang

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I dont know how to explain this feeling. Im clearly suffocated. Suffocated to the point where breathing becomes a sacred ritual. I have to be still, focus and remember the steps to take a breath. 

Labels: #suchafah, fuck la

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I honestly have nowhere to turn to. nowhere.. but You and you. so I need to pour out the surface of this to-be eruption. 

Labels: #suchafah, fah says, fuck la

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your hand and your (fail) english always gets me. its not love. its a fetish. the attraction is ridiculous, but I submit to it anyway. I believe that nothing comes close to our intense love-hate relationship. we are inseparable, yet we can be separated because of the immense trust we have. 

Labels: #suchafah, fah says, fuck la

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I've gotten too old, this I feel. there were a couple of changes — last minute changes, in fact — to my supposed brilliant birthday week and days to come. it was a little rotten, the feeling, to know that I have to change them to suit a bigger picture. but I guess that's what growing up is.. to make room and wise up to the bigger picture and long term situations. the family decided to go on a week-long trip downunder. we're headed for Gold Coast, Brisbane, Australia for a good five days. I spent my 21st there. a bittersweet feeling, but definitely something I will remember. got that feeling etched in my heart and brain already. truth be told, it's a painful one.
so I was a mess, and it only got worse with what I see and witnessed. what I feel.. well, what else is there to feel?
I was gone for long enough. a fairytale that wasnt exactly MY fairytale. the place Ive been to was almost perfect, but the situation wasnt. the duration given was a little short but the environment made it worse, shorter. but although it has more negatives than positives, one thing that was sure was my detachment from the family.

if anyone expected a perfect five company, then, sorry, I cant give that. I dont even get that, so Im pretty sure Im on my own. to have been struck with fever that runs up and downs on different days didnt help a lot. just once, when mother held my forehead to test my heat, I found myself wanting to hold her hand there. but I held myself, and realised that I crave for this kind of parental affection more than anything else. she flicked her hand away when my heat seems to be safe. and then she left me. to cry alone. Im sick of this feeling.. this situation. I got the chance to watch the movie title No Strings Attached, and I found myself lapped up nicely as the female protagonist. everyone around me filled my head up with thoughts that leaned towards "I'm doing good alone so I shall stick to being alone and independent" but just at that moment, right at the tip of the cliff, when I'm willingly about to fall alone and face the circumstances of my actions, alone, they tell me Im stupid, that I have everyone else behind me, that Im putting everyone else away, pushing them away from me. and then I get fucked up. over and over and over again. like right now. and I tell you, I cant agree anymore right now —

Im quite good being alone right now. no more pain from all the expectations and (bullshit) shared responsibility just because Im the eldest kid while I watch the younger ones kiss up to everyone as brats. Im tired of having to watch over everything while I get left out. no one waits for me, and I dont want to chase after anymore, not when I've lost my confidence, my sanity, my self, to all these. to everyone. to this place. I quit.
my dreams, my goals, my hopes are as good as shattered and dug nine thousand feet under. Im as good as dead. Im a living zombie, a human without a heart and a soul. my spirit is here, but my soul is gone. I feel nothing, and that hurts. I want love, I want joy, I want freedom, I want happiness. I want a family. apparently, that is too much to ask. so I shall leave it all and stand alone.

stand alone, like how it's always been. the colours I bear never always mean happy lights — for me, they mean the rejection of the colours I've poured out and away, never to come back into me again.

Labels: fah says, fuck la, massive internal mind-spam in progress, thoughts, where do we start (over), why am I not at ease

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I can watch this forever. but no.
these amazing walls of dominoes only lasts for 1hour and a little more.


###

the only thing worthy of my weekend. even then,
this temporary escape is becoming another numb route to feeling again.


the only reason my Tuesday was bearable.
and overly sweet. thankyou for having me ♥ wifey!


the haunting question that never fails to echo within myself,
even for a fraction of a second. losing the guilt trip, slowly.


the fact that this person is still trying to smile and feel
invisibly claws at my chest. this time, only pain is genuine.


if I really am doing nothing, I be smiling and levitating
towards the sky in such a despicable form that screams "aww~ qt~"



###

too many times, I dont know what is expected of me. from your books, from your thoughts. too many times, I wish I knew what you were thinking. as many as those times that I was left in wonder, constantly in your chokehold of assumptions, I wished I could get into your head and manipulate your mind. if I truly was able to correct your mind in my favour with three/3 things, the first thing I'd do would be to change the fuse and switch on the 'trust' plug. obviously, we are disconnected from that for far too long. next we have the screaming. I would 'uninstall (that) programme' from your vocal chords so we wont ever have to mimic the volume from in here to out there. the final change would be a double-kill: to 'defrag' and start allowing 'guests' into your system. needless to say, you need to know what it's like out there in the real world, because I can safely say the eldest kid has enough experience to par the two goldies combined.

last night, I shut down. too many expectations, too much hopes, so many levels in which I held it in. kept it in for too long. even now, I dont know where to release these trash inside. I cant empty them, I cant clean them, I cant even sort them out — theres too much to be sorted out. now, I lose myself. I dont know what to do and I dont care what I do. my fear is the only thing constant. fear of hurt, rejection, disappointment.. just, fear.

I've applied for Musical Theatre over at Lasalle, but Ive yet to submit my application to seal the deal and obtain my audition date. I cant, for the life of me, get my head in the game. right now, and Praise the Lord, I need, no, I WANT to get back to work. if Money makes them happy all the flippingbluewhale time, then immediate cash is the only certainty I can give.



FUCK IT I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START FINDING FOR MYSELF. THOUGH THIS HAS GONE ON FOREVER, OBVIOUSLY FAR TOO LONG, I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START THE STOPPING. SOMEBODY GET ME A GENIE, OR GET ME A LAMP SO I CAN FALL BACK INTO A SUPREME ENCLOSURE AND LAY MYSELF TO REST.

Labels: either way ends will meet, fuck la, it's so hard to express this shit in words, mother/father, thinking too much again (maybe), why am I not at ease

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wholeheartedly accepting people as they are, always thinking about and extending a helping hand to them first, being too selfless, too nice..

some good things are bad. and bad things are habits which happens to die hard. and because they die hard, it eats into you first, swallowing your body and your mind for a start. it'll creep up into your soul and into your deepest roots of the hearts. the strike will shut down everything that was once logical and overflowing into something grey and numb. you will start losing sight of the things that you once treasured so much and start counting up the days of horror and hate. all these.. and then eventually, you forget to feel again. feel human. feel...


happy.


and then just suddenly, you start glowing again. just because. and then the cycle starts once more.

Labels: can we have a minute of silence to listen, either way ends will meet, fah says, fuck la, matters of the heart

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what a big fat lie.

Im falling down everytime now. I dont know what to do. they say time will tell. so okay, let's play the waiting game once again. I think I can do this. the waiting. I mean, it's not like I have never waited for anything in my life. Ive always been waiting.. always last in line. if I try coming up to the front, the talks would get to me. not anymore now, they dont hurt me. but I dont want to be up front.

I just want to curl up inside myself and get Remy to hold my pinky forever. I want to defragment and reboot my system. we give until end of January okay? sigh

someone should shoot me in the eye. or the knee.

Labels: fuck la, how now brown cow, what are we to do with this situation

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identity card, ezlink card, debit card, cardcaptor sakura and tyki mikk collectible cards, Dad's fifty. all lost cases now. to the person who stole my wallet, I hope you take good care of my precious collectibles. but who am I kidding

I've got to fork out my own living expenses, and now I need to reclaim back my identity that is twenty-years old. I look like a fucking 14 year old but it's not so funny anymore is it, when your honest identity is at stake.

I wanna believe that it's impossible for someone — or anyone even — that can mimic my identity. no one can be as depressing nor as happy in one picture like that, what with my infamous apple hair and all

fifty down, two hundred fifty more to go! lets do this shit. like what kang gary, my man, says:

Labels: #justsaying, fuck la, helphelphelps, how now brown cow, i just lost it all, what are we to do with this situation

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1. Genting
mother and brother and I went to Genting for our monthly holiday ritual. it lasted two and a half days, starting Tuesday. anticipated the worst of stomach churning moments and heart-drops when I come face2face with the rides. as it turns out, there was nothing to worry about. two of the more entertaining rides got shut down for improvements — the yellow coaster, cyclone and some other butt-cracking ride. what was left were everybody's favourite swing spinner and cockscrew. oh, and space shot solero. hell no, I didnt go up the solero. I swear it grew the last few years. it's ridiculous, the height. I was so tempted to try it out again but my stomach really couldn't contain itself everytime I look up to see sixteen people drop and fall out of the sky like that. it's crazy.

I still contemplate going against the heavens up till the last moments. I be honest, I kinda regret it.

there is a reason to why I still do try all them daredevil attractions, like the battlestar(s) in USS despite everyone's frenzied warnings. you might find this stupid but I need to feel again. and we shall leave it as it is.....

other than that, Genting trip was a little more of a disappointment. until I remember that brother and I gave a shot at trying to fly at Genting's Sky Venture. hell, one of the best things I've ever done. crazy, but really thrilling. I can totally feel again, and now I yearn to try bungee jump. heck, sky dive. I wanna do sky diving. but we gotta pass the G-MAX/G-X5 at Clarke Quay ^^

I might update with photos... it all depends if Mum's got the pictures on by tmr.


2. Vinci Gallery
friday was my last day to come down to work. honestly, the lovely space and lovely manager will be greatly missed. I did this minimal postcard thing by hand using what's left of my markers and pens plus a drawing block. I really love drawing blocks, and I forgot how much I'd loved to get my hands down on some paper and start drawing thoughtlessly.



to let you know how lovely my manager J is, I cannot express it in words. I dont like sohee, but her sharp yet cute details are exactly the qualities that J has. and really, this is the closest image I can get of sohee looking almost like my manager J.


I will really miss her, my Garden Princess and the Garden Gallery. I did so much labour in that place, and it definitely sucks to have to let this all go. but it's all good. the boss sucks so, we have no regrets. I wish manager J all the best in her future endeavours in the States, with her life, her studies and her love (:


3. Spindrift
in other news, I am caught up with this comic I chanced upon online. give it a go, it's pretty nice. I do wanna give it a NC16 rating, but heck. kids nowadays learn so fast I cant be bothered to be implicitly devious anymore. (Y)


4. Saturday
yesterday was spent well away with awesome people and awesome games. although I might have wasted some amount of cash (again), it's hardly regretful to have done so lolol thankyou very much


5. Mental State
Im pretty sure Im this close to losing it. I just really wanna leave all this behind, drop and leave. then come back a better, quieter person. the friends I have, the people around me.. I honestly have these horrible thoughts of wanting to knife them all open, try to read their minds and alter their states, then rid of everything that can ever harm them(selves). wow. that is sick.

Okay lets stop.

Labels: fah says, fuck la, it's so hard to express this shit in words, you wont understand

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I honestly would really like to use a tilted desktop/drawing desk/drafting table in an empty white room with only my stationery and materials right now. it just hit me that nothing's the same for me when Im not being crafty/productive.

and no, I havent continued my portfolio, I havent done up the manga, I havent done anything! God help I find myself back soon.

*
but I swear it'd be totally different if only I could go to Perth. ):

Labels: fah says, fuck la, I want this, if only..

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I have graduated, 25th. I have turned 20, 28th. Boredom and disappointment hit home, 25th-28th. It still continues to this day. what do I do with myself now? I have to get rid of these.

Labels: fah says, fuck la, issues, you wont understand

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I dont know what to feel currently.




#
the rain is pouring mad heavily. Hello, dear person, I miss you pretty badly. the only way for me to express this to you is with this song(s) — Cliff Parade [seen up top] and The End of the Beginning. they dont make much sense (to you), and neither do I.

Labels: boys, fah says, fuck la

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I FUCKING MISS YOU DAMNMIT AND I CANT HELP BUT CRY MY EYES OUT BECAUSE IT JUST HURTS SO BAD THE WORD "FUCK" DOESNT EVEN CUT IT



I. MISS. YOU.

Labels: fuck la, it's so hard to express this shit in words

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Right now, Mams very sick. I reached home from Pulau Ubin only to find her lurching her lungs out. Mam was coughing really badly, and I have no clue what to do to help make her feel better. ): and Ive to go to school tmr for briefing. Shall I not? =/



#




It had been a really whacky day with the girls, but truth be told, my mind was totally racing at every stop we take. You have to tell me or Im gonna find a lousy excuse of a quicksand to reason myself to drown into. and never have to face you again.

Labels: F.MC, fuck la, monologue, oh nuuu, things to see, you wont understand

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I feel so low right now, the most depressed about the material world right now that I dont know if it's actually heredity or not. Looking back, I dont think I adapted any part of this paranoia from my parents; Mam only has a good number of friends you can count with one hand, and Paps has friends all around he just has to learnt to keep his phone properly.
You might say, 'Well, gee, Fah you have tonnes of friends out there. Why do you keep yapping about not having friends when they're all around?'

I'll be honest. I do constantly want to be there in the circle of funfunfun with everyone else. I just cant understand why they cant treat me with just a much importance as I do for them. All I want to be called, to be talked to, to be thought of, to be noticed. Because, face it, I give the world for everyone, and I love just so much.

Or maybe that's just the problem. I give them theuniverse and not leave any bits for myself. I dont even leave myself for.. well.. myself. You know, sometimes I wish to just die, because then at least I'll know who the bastards are and have my blessings counted for to no longer be bothered with the plastic world of fake emotions.

Or maybe I just really wanna forget about having emotions, and friends cos no one is honest anymore.

Labels: fuck la, hate, you wont understand

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There are only three things that can automatically perk me up after...things happened. 1. Sleep 2. Drawing/Doodle 3. Writing. Usually, the fast way out is with Sleep. But it takes a really long time to recover, and I know you know what I mean. Drawing takes too much of my focus away, and at the end of the whole thing I will be left with no more energy to entertain the shit that I have to finish up. Writing is always the best option.

But writing doesnt actually get my message across to people. I get too complicated, but that's how I want things to be. If you dont understand, it's okay. At least I have all these misery out. It helps, because I tell my story in such a delicate way that if the plot falls apart, only I will break. Everyone else, if they feel anything at all, can only feel guilty and watch me crack. Yes, that's how people are. They can only watch. If you can tap into the person's emotions, that's already a different level, a different story. A Different Connection.



This is how far I can manage myself to type. Everything else is in my head. Some things arent meant to be displayed in light of others. People misunderstand, because they have unfinished business with you. Because we hide too much, we're not transparent. Even if I said I was transparent, would you believe me? No, because you're not honest. To yourself. So shut up.

Would you even believe me if I said I forgot? No. No, you wouldnt. Because I am that precious to you that you want to deny everything. Yes. Yes, it's the same for me too, I guess. But we have to push everything away. try to push everything away. It's impossible though, isnt it?

Labels: fah says, fuck la, thoughts, you wont understand

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