In a burst of momentary clarity, fresh crystal thoughts sparked my thinking.

Number One
everyone's trying to make it in this world. everyone's struggling. you are 1 person but 1 person can make enough changes. 1 person can initiate a ripple. 1 person can create a wave. but 1 person cannot handle the pressure alone. the best thing 1 person can do, is to be. calm and peace.
1 person starts with me.

Number Two
I saw a kid in Teck Whye Sec PE attire. the thoughts drifted to Pang, and how lacking he is in his childhood and early life. he's great with work and merit accolades, sure. his social and interpersonal skills though, are significantly lacking. well, not too much. if there's a routine to things, he'll do well. his primary school was a christian school, his secondary school a Chinese high school. in poly, his media line hadn't exposed him enough to multiple races we have in Singaporeㅡ the one person we can cite in Vinod and that is a mercurial being lololol. his childhood and the way he's brought up is so volatile there is no consistency and stability. as much as these speculations go, it's not entirely his parents' or anyone's fault.
this is his life. this is how it is.
this stability of a man is so brutal that his schedules are embedded in him; even his color blindness is probably an evolution from this. his laziness is a product of this mold from the cut-and-dry systematic lifestyle for almost two decades; also probably a defensive stance he's taken before he allows himself the power to move and commit into something. this is how he is. and i cannot do enough to even hope to alter him.
my appearance in his life changed things because suddenly, there's a girl. a strong girl. no, she's a woman. but a soft, kind woman with a fierce, strong front. this woman lives in colors. she's loved by people and she's with so many people. her childhood is filled with stories that don't come close to the mundane loserville of his. her way of life is so different. she is different. and she has a lot of love to give and he has a lot to offer.

but maybe his offer wasnt what she needed. and she should never have hoped he was able to refill anything she exhausted on.
her requests may seem trivial, seeing how almost whole it is. but she drowns inside herself sometimes. and all she hopes is for someone to grab her hand and pull her to the surface to breathe. to hold her and say its fine. to be with her there as the tides flow until she can be back ashore. then she can maybe live again for a while or so before she decides to take a swim and drowns.
I hope for a routine too, because I'm too haphazard in everything. I hope for clarity even in the monochrome because I feel fictional in this cruel reality.

and he has issues I want to know of. not as a subject of imposing on your partner but because I am your partner. there are some episodes of reality you hope I can relieve but I personally lack in those. I want to feel as much as I can, for us to cry fight laugh love for as long as we can. I'm hoping for forever here. his coldness needs some getting used to, even after 2 years.

I love him, will continue to do so unconditionally and I have no more reasons why.

Labels: i love you, it's so hard to express this shit in words, pang the popiah

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Life frequently throws lemons to you. In a way, Life expects you to make lemonades out of it. Another way, you (are sorta expected to) reinvent or recreate the sourness that Life throws at you into creative and innovative ways. Of course, some people cant deal with it the first few times. That's normal. What's not normal is when someone refuses to rise up again. Or, when the way someone copes with the sourness is to create more sourness from within. That's not right. Why?

Because by creating the sourness from within, you're somehow making yourself deal with it by consuming it within. This causes a brutal, vicious cycle that never ends.

The only way to put a stop to it is — well, this is the easiest way, really — is to throw the lemon back at Life. Outsmart it. Outwit it. Outlive it. Who you are in the past does not define you. Instead, it was what made you. Your past taught you. Your past is you teacher. And almost immediately, the next second has already become '1 second ago'. It's that fast.

Time moves that fast. So you gotta haul ass and keep moving forward. If you let yourself wallow inside yourself, the cycle will remain and you will get stuck. Of course, if it's me, I'd let myself wallow in, be as beat up as I could possibly get, and then I'd get sick of being so weak and pathetic. I'd start to think of ways to help myself get out of the situation and out of the rut. The only thing is, right now, Im even thinking as far as getting out of this life.

Im not saying that Im done with life. But I feel like up til now, 26 years of my Life, I feel really happy. And really sad. And angry. And all the other emotions in between. But most of all, Im glad for the past 26 years of my life. I've learnt so much. I've given even more. I've yet to take back all those energy and time I've sacrificed and wasted on people, but they dont matter. Because everything, everything, counts. Towards things unseen. Towards every fiber of my being. Towards the seconds of my 26 years of Life.

Life bears a capital L. Because Life is not just a flat word. It's a living thing. It breathes. Life is the one thing that is ever present with us. Life is from God. Life is Allah.

Amalan kita dari Allah, yang pertama sekali, adalah untuk menjaga dan memupuk semangat kehidupan kita. Itulah sebab kenapa perbuatan membunuh diri, dengan cara apapun, adalah serupa dengan dosa besar Neraka Jahannam.

Since Feb 21, I have been trying my damnest to be calm and in control of myself. It's a promise that I can never keep, but I've learned to let go so much that Im no longer pent up. Not totally. Not anymore. It's a different feeling now, and I have a new drive. It revolves triumphing activities like a true underdog, without people noticing and without any attention. I mean, it's never been a problem, but as of late, people have been coming forth to me with kindness and sincere gratitude over the smallest things. Im so thankful, my heart is so full. I keep telling myself these things dont mean I should start getting complacent or arrogant. Instead, I feel an even stronger force to help, to reach out, to educate, to enlighten the world to the understanding that everything has a balance. You just need to wait it out, be patient, breathe and believe.

You dont need to have faith in god. Gods dont exist if you dont even believe in yourself. Once you do believe in yourself, you'll slowly realize that your belief with yourself still feels lacking — to do something for a personal sake or favour is just a really horrible way to live. The soul does not recognize this and it will react in its gut. Your gut. You'll start searching for something more, for something worth beyond this world. For a reason you can give to yourself. In this way, you will see that the divine power exists. Truly. In Allah.

No, I aint preaching. I'm thinking. This is my word vomit. And this is my thoughts compressed and combined together.

I've been lucky to have met some amazing friends. I feel blessed to have Allah's guidance and love in constantly reminding me, pulling me into a certain direction that always reminds me of Him. I'm grateful. Yet, I still fail to perform all 5 prayers. I cant give a reason, nor any excuse to explain my truancy in His calls. This is something I keep to myself and I discuss with myself.

Like all these time, I have been unconsciously speaking with myself in ways I never realized were possible. And it's true... the voices in my head are my conscience, my guilt, my balance meter. Should anything tip my balance and neutral stand in Life, the voices will come and warn me... as if Allah is speaking to me in my own terms — harsh words, tough love.

Some days, all these makes sense. Other days, these are all fucked up thoughts. But most days, I dont fuss over it.

There are fate threads that binds up together. There are energy warps all around us, reading, reacting to our souls' emotions and responses. There are spirits all around us, living among us in a parallel universe, that possesses similar aura and energy readings.

These are things that work both ways: they cannot be changed, and yet, they can be changed.

Labels: #suchafah, belief/believe, it's so hard to express this shit in words, on nights like these, philosophy, this too shall pass, thoughts, word vomit

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Returning from Batam on the eve of New Year was bittersweet. The fever and flu, the thick phlegm and mucus that followed near the end of my getaway, hindered a satisfying virgin visit back home to kampung since belasan years ago. So much has changed, yet most of the things still felt so familiar. I engaged a closer relationship with Adik and a deeper one with Umi — if she had been able to stay longer Im pretty sure we wouldve got something going on there. True to the nature of my development, I've focused solely on myself. The principle aim of this trip is so that I can escape and enjoy, which I did. Thoroughly. I believe, if I had been the version of myself before June 2017, I would have paid extra attention to keep the elders happy. Looking back, I had thrown so much of the anchor I put down on myself literally out the window in Batam. I got to observe, experience and understand so many things — of Batam, our extended relatives, my blood relatives, myself. I really enjoyed my stay at pulau. I would want to go back... and contribute to the development upgrades of the house.

I had not intended for any digital devices stuck to my face (oh, the irony, since I had packed my phone, powerbank, Pang's Surface tablet and instax polaroid for this trip) so I didnt touch anything until the morning before setting back home. Until then, all the memories are safely kept within me. I had not exposed them much, nor did I reveal much to mam. But I am also not obliged to reveal it here, because this trip was special, and I feel the need to keep the more important details to myself. Just know that the environment was paradise for me. Should I run away and make peace with myself, this is the first place I'll wish to run to — provided I have at least SGD100 enough to make me a rupiah millionaire. With that said, I was made aware of the atrocity the weather can bring from the very first day. Dark clouds threatened rain the moment we boarded the ferry on the first day. Subsequent days that followed were mere heat-stroke-worthy weather, quelled only because of the shelter above our heads and the sea all around us — for as long as theyre staying, the kids' first priority upon waking up was to decide whether the water level was deep enough to dive in from their beds near the windows and doors. Eventually, the rest who had arrived in kampung earlier left. The few of us were left: nek, oteh, mat, myself, adik, akmal and mak ngah.

So on the last day, being the 31st of December 2017, the folks believed that the storm was a blessing from Allah, washing away all the bad and allowing us to start again anew. But this storm, according to them, reached a new high this time around. The relatives said it may have been a good thing for me to have visited them — maybe I had attracted the divine powers to raise the intensity of the cleansing, or I was just purely lucky to be able to witness this phenomenon. Either way, I gained so much from this trip. This is the one photo I had put effort into:


It's definitely different looking at the picture and looking at the storm living in that moment. It was clearly terrifying, but I wasnt scared one bit. Even when I was told that mak ngah was almost struck by lightning, I had thought that she would have been real lucky to have died peacefully here. (When youre out at sea, on an island severely lacking in advanced technology, any weather besides sunny bears frightful dangers that can cost one's life. The craziest one comes with the storm: any possible electric traction can ignite the lightning entering your abode, striking you to death. Mak Ngah's family narrowly escaped it. Twice.) Looking back at this photo I took on my phone, I feel all sorts of funny. One thing for sure is, I would definitely return here. I dont care of the VIP treatment I receive from them, nor of the fact that I am an anak dara. The point is, this is also my home, and indeed, a closer ideal to my home in paradise at the moment. I would like to live in a place that shares the same peace, nature and love here without worry. ♥

Speaking of love, 2017 was another year of tremendous events. My BLACKM00N Pang went on his exchange trip to Redmond (and I got sorely left behind despite the extensive planning because reasons), his flaws are slowly coming into my field of vision (which doesnt change anything really; except to up my ante of tolerance lol like seriously, dood, you bought a TV monitor in the states so that you can play your ps4 that you lugged from yewtee /groans/), and his understanding of dealing with me is constantly evolving, hopefully for the better. And then theres me, learning of myself a lot more this time round where love is primarily towards oneself first before sharing/giving it to others. This concept of understanding was always a topic of debate between my inner circle and I because of the way my system is set.


Love is unconditional, this I know. For all the flaws I detect of my parents' upbringing and their upbringing of our family, Im so so so grateful that this understanding was instilled in me from a very young age. Love is unconditional, regardless of your status. Everyone has love, but what sets people apart is whether they are able to express it in a digestible manner. If they can, then it carries on to another part, whether they can give it sincerely. If they can, then the other part, which is the last, is whether they can keep giving sincerely without any caps. Sure, humans are flawed. We tend to break and fall apart, but the mystery in humans is that we also climb back up after falling. In the concept of love, I always find myself asking this:

How much can you take to keep giving sincerely, unconditionally?

The fact is, as I am now, today, I will keep giving sincerely, unconditionally, for ever. I will still do so. The only difference between the version of me before this and now is the output channel to which I share this love. In sharing my love, I give a part of myself away by investing my time, emotions and energy into every second of the moment — this is the sincerity. In sincerely sharing my love, I channel it towards those worthy of it: because everything and everybody deserves a chance, so my 1-dollar-three-tries principle is applied. Those who are worthy are not necessarily perfect beings. We are still human, we are flawed. So, by being worthy, I mean we go through thick and thin together, bad times and good times, and still come out strong in both spirit and relationship.

I thank heavens for 2017, for as much as it's brought me hardships in the form of depression/bipolar that climaxed on 30th October, it's brought me the one thing I've needed to clarify with myself. This love. To myself, first. That the sincerity and unconditional love must always be to myself first. And then the next 5 important people in my life. Thats enough. Why this limitation? Because I love myself, and I should love myself enough to not break me so hard in trying to love every fucking person. Because even if I want to save everyone, I cant do that if I cant even look after/save myself first. Because doing you first will ultimately align your stars in the long run, and you will be happier in the days to come. So by being selfish enough, I can look after myself while balancing it out on even grounds for those involved regardless.

I am thankful for 2017, because I was lucky to have made a new friend who immediately sealed herself a place in my inner circle. Nisley is my spirit animal lol she is everything I could ask for of a girlfriend. Loyal, fierce, empowering, raw and vulnerable. heck, shes pretty and a chinlay so thats a super bonus. She's a stark contrast to ly and fnad, which is a super thing. Possibly the most scariest thing is that I feel more at home with her than with them 2 secondary school buddies. Reasons, primarily because she's so fucking raw and vulnerable. It's refreshing. I've always wanted a buddy who gets why Im the way I am, and if possible, actually is the same. Nisley is the closest thing to that, and she's of farah's age.

She's the younger sister I should have. /pfft/

Dont get me wrong, I love ly, fnad, and my younger sister, but it's a totally different thing when youve finally got a girl friend that. gets. you. yknow what i mean? Ly and Fnad are my closest girls but sometimes I feel distance from them. Fnad is mainstream gal and Ly is all about herself — which Im fine with.. it's been 12 years, this difference is a good kind of diversity matter lol Farah, my younger sister, is a whole other story but I have this image of her that I hope she still retains should the day comes when we can talk freely again. And thats the thing... This talking freely.

It's a whole new ballgame with nisley and pang. with nisley, literally no holds barred. i dont get hurt by her offensive remarks, because shes only got the best kind of love. we can talk about anything and everything, splash a bit of colourful words and images too while we're at it lol with pang, its literally a whole new dimension. this dimension has a name and it is the jiao dimension. taken form the colloquial terms of ku ku jiao / lan jiao, this jiao is either a 4D or 8D universe. Take your pick. On the good days, Pang is a 4D character. On better days, hes an 8D. and regardless of the numeral, he eats a lot of D because back in WWE Raw Deal, he deals a lot of card for Damage lolol

And damage also arrived in November, when my insecurity and delusion clouded my senses. I had relied on the man so much, too much, that it began to cause him hurt. All I wanted was for him to spend time on/with me. I failed to grasp the difficulty that was Digipen — Im no longer in the loop since being kicked out in December 2016, so the fact that time was the one thing Digipeeps significantly lack during the active semesters went through me. Through a lengthy email, I finally realized my mistake, and hopefully, in my reply, he saw his errors too. The one thing that had faltered was our communication. I was so hell-bent in controlling his every movement, to need his absolute transparency in keeping me in the loop because I needed his assurance that we'll always come back together. See, my fear of him leaving was factored in a couple of things: 1, he is such an amazing person 2, I have nothing to give him in return 3, there are so many other girls/ladies worth his time more than I do 4, im a malay, muslim girl 5, hes Pang, and he'll do him to make sure his dreams become a reality. He failed to see my fear, and I failed to relate them to him properly. He failed to tell me reassure me when I needed it the most, I failed to understand there was no need to doubt us. In our strife, we became empty, and I was forced to put down the love I have for him in order to put myself back first. For weeks I didnt see him, pushed back the thought of him that I have had every single fucking second for the past nearly two years. I was not allowed to text him first, advised by syaf kecik, the girls and even nisley (although she tells me to tell him 90% of the time actually lol) because, clearly I stated in the email, I need the assurance and he has to initiate this emotional reach.

All these, in hopes that the distance apart would bring us back together. And alhamdulillah, it did. The moment school ended for him, I secretly texted him first without telling any of the girls. But I knew, and I was determined, disciplined, to be controlled about it. 2 texts that Friday, and I was so happy. Monday, he had ICT/reservist, so I had to text him on Sunday, wishing him well and happy. We suddenly started talking like normal, and everything was okay again. Like how the relationship started, there was no verbal communication. He just held out his hand and I slipped mine in. In this instance, there was no direct verbalisation. In beating around the bush, Pang held out his hand again, and I took it after a moment's hesitation in considering my well-being.


Our relationship is "toxic" because of 1 simple thing. Religion. The irony of it all lies in the fact that we both dont mind it. Pang is worried about the religion topic going forward. I am worried about losing Pang to my religion. He has that fear front and center while Im side-stepping it until the time comes. So, who is more mature in this manner? Either way, we're both thinking about the future, our future, and hoping for the best as of now. I think I made the right decision to ask Pang to not follow me to Batam. I wouldnt want to know nor imagine the possible destruction I was bound to create for myself and for others. When Umi opened her heart out to me while referencing our relationship, I understood so many things at once.

One of it is that Batam is a place to contemplate heavy thoughts. To fikir masak-masak about a particular thing when prayer alone is not enough. The other one is that humans are always looking up for hope to hold on to; even villains, the hope that they can bring about some sort of change or instigate a reaction to fulfill a greater purpose. There are reasons within my subconscious mind with regards to the things I favour and love. Through my bout of clinical depression in the year-end of 2017, I've come to accept that I love all things broken. I love the scars, the marks and the pains that resulted in a broken soul. Because broken souls are stronger than a whole one. A broken soul that still stands, that still loves, that still lives is a soul worth loving. It's a deep relationship that is worth all the eternities of the world, only because in being broken, you know the realness of any one thing. That in being broken, you have a higher chance of fixing yourself for a beautiful upgrade. That in being broken, you'll know the true meaning of living, laughter, love and light.

I am broken, but there are others who have been broken to an unrecognisable point. I wish nothing but love and light for every single soul because each of us deserves nothing but the best of energy for the rest of our lives ♥

Labels: #suchafah, #veryprecious, it's so hard to express this shit in words, my precious, pang the popiah, this is more than enough, this too shall pass

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Good to be writing again. Immediately, let's begin. These are the summarized events for the first two weeks of November.

3rd November
At my request, Pang came over to visit me at home. The previous night, I was so sure that he had had enough of me and my bullshit. I wanted out if he had had enough, cos I had enough with trying to even last another day. But he'd come, and he'd sat on the floor in the corner of my room and I'd got lost in those eyes and hands again. I shared my stories with him, how my family cannot help me with the one thing I really need the most, how it's unfortunately, and unfairly, up to him now. What I didnt share, because I couldnt bring myself to, was that if he had wanted out, that was the time to confess. I can no longer stand to feel any more alone than I already am despite waking to 4 other people under the same roof every fucking morning.

Cos if he's gonna display any hint of ignoring me or abandoning me — or I misunderstand him, again — I'm just gonna withdraw without warning. And Im not gonna come back. Once I leave, that's the last of it.

At the rate things're going, I honestly forget his presence sometimes. It's too bad, but I can no longer deal with anymore pain of being left alone by the very same people who claim to love me. Over and over again.

I assumed Pang understood everything. Because I've poured my heart out to him. Then we went to get icecream and Archipelago before he sent me back home and returned home himself. I love this man, but I need to know, I need to him to know, that choosing me everyday is something I need him to constantly reassure me with.

Because nobody will ever know when I might possibly let go. Not even me. Especially not me.

4th November
After work, I had stayed behind because of nis and serina. Completing some menial admin tasks since I was just one session away from a full shift is never a bad idea on a forgiving day. After popping some sticks, we parted ways and I stuffed my face with some more Lisa Gardner.

5th November
After work ended on high from full-shift Sunday, on impulse, the decision to go window shopping with syaza proved futile — I spent almost S$200 on 2 roller scents from Victoria's Secret and a huuuge wallet-bag from Picard worth S$150 thatI absolutely still adore!! (I am still in the adapting phases of working with it so, patience is crucial~)

I ended the day dreading my regret the next day :3

6th November
I had a sort of fever, so massage session was sans gua-sha. Even then, somehow, Ivy managed to overshot by 15 minutes. That, and coupled with the fact that it's the 2nd time Im very aware of her fleeting presence in the present, sort of upset me. But I leave it, because it dont matter once I end the package hopefully by early this year.

7th November
My psychotherapy session. Story for another post.
But the day ended up turning for the better because of nisley :3 who finally asked me for help with dealing with her fyp lololol She came over, and it was such a fantastic time. She's such a babysweetheart huehuehue Thank god Im in the scene (sorta) so Im well-versed in the topic (sorta) hehehe



11th November
The PTA Workshop was wonderful, sans the part where I refused to wake up in the morning and had to request Grab for a ride at S$24. As it is, Im already very tight with money so I have no idea where my discipline and drive went that morning. Madinah was the instructor, and she was a lump of jolly bubble ♥ The people in class seemed pretty cool too. I was without a partner, so I'm left to complete the notes first and have a hand at the practical next week instead.

12th November
Work was interestingly fascinating this time. I still dread Artary 3's paper mache though, but it's ending soon. So that's looking fairly great. Afterwards, serina asked to hang, and ended up staying around (Jem for 4fingers, bus journeys to my void deck) where we lingered until she went home at 10. It was an interesting episode — it was fairly fun for me to just listen to serina's stories. I only shared about my bits towards the end... as usual. The inferiority bloomed again and I was so sure that, once again, my story really isnt worth anyone's time. Went home happy though. More like, barely satiated(?) with the energy and mental strength I was left with.



So far so good. Im looking forward to psychologist psychotherapy sessions. Nervous for the psychiatrist session. Either way, I need to compartmentalize my thoughts whenever I can. It's been a wild ride.

Labels: here we go, it's so hard to express this shit in words, where do we start (over)

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Since 2005, Ive documented my stupidity, emotions and thoughts in this blog. After more than 1,200 posts, I think it's time I acknowledge the tremendous positive effects from this unlisted online, digital journal. Given that this blog is only known to a handful of those who mattered, I was able to be as honest and as truthful to my emotions and thought processes on the fly. With there being a mobile app for this blog, centered purely on the basis of content making, continuing in earnest to jot down every raw, fresh memory in hope that it will come in handy someway, somehow.

Thankfully, and a little bit of unfortunate circumstances, it's come to prove handy. Recalling the previous episodes from minor grievances to major breakdowns, I can look back and make the necessary comparisons. Best of all, I can look back and lay claim that I own this misery, this blight that I am, because together with it, I also own the light and happiness that comes with. Because I deserve it.

I know I do, but whether I can exercise the things I am able to register is a different thing.

Everything came to a head on Sunday evening. The truth was, the book end Ive placed in my head to separate my fiction and non-fiction sections began to crumble. The fiction section, a nicer term for the ugly, and the non-fiction, a more reluctant term for grounded reality. The book end was slowly being obliterated by the sheer force from the fiction section. The entity was slowly overwhelming me in a way I cannot provide a counter attack. It swam around tirelessly, swimming around my head, leaving swirling trails of excruciating migraine.

And then I snapped.

All I see was black and these geometric colours where my meek voice was trying to fend off the shrill voice of a woman I cannot identify. Til now, that was all I could remember. I faintly recall my legs carrying me to ly's place. I faint recall ly's presence all around me. I was out, and Im still not sure what happened in real time. It was 8:09PM when I last looked at my watch then — I almost stumbled down the bus. I came to on ly's bed, and it was 10PM.

Ive never been on this side of the A&E — the inside. I was put on a bed after the nurse said I have good friends, and I was left to observe the situation around me. Alone. In A&E. The doctor that examined me was nice. He said it's got a very long and difficult name — it's true I cant remember it either, now that I try to recall lolol a lot of waiting, a lot of thoughts, a lot more voices I try to shut down. fnad and ly sent me to A&E, and they stayed there waiting for me until well past 2AM — before I was transported to IMH an hour later.

Jurong doctor was great, he asked me questions that I can relate to and answer immediately — sense of hearing: I heard the voices, my meek voice soft as if its barely holding on, the other voice overwhelming, multiplied in over my head; sense of sight: no I had my eyes closed. scrunched up actually. saw geometrical shapes in ever-changing colour. varying intensities. when it first hit, I saw flashing red-blue-purples. then it gradually changed to yellow-orange. and then some soft, pale yellow. then pulse green, and then navy blue all the way. sense of touch: I didnt feel any crawling under my skin, no tingle whatsoever. sense of smell: I dont recall smelling anything out of the ordinary but my breathing felt like it was hitched. sense of taste: bitterness. maybe it wasnt my tongue. maybe that was something else. Jurong doctor was reassuring, comforting, and really nice. I didnt have the chance to thank him whole-heartedly — Im hoping my constant expression of gratitude is enough.

IMH doctor on the other hand, went through quizzing questions with me like another polyclinic assessment. He asked me what were my thoughts like, the history and nature of my attacks. Honestly how would I know. It's my first breakdown that I didnt see coming, and that I had allowed. Then again, what was I expecting? Possible triggers at that point of time were channeled towards my family — particularly my mum. So we went through questions that didnt seem to be helping me because at the end of the whole thing, he said that I have depression but its not severe because my mood is the only one that is not affected, while everything is seems pretty drastic. There was no need to ward me, so he pressed for anti-depressants and psychologist appointment.

I went home on the cab, and because I didnt bring my wallet, had to call Mum down to get me and pay for the cab fare. It was 6AM. In the lift, Mum asked as bluntly as she could. I refused to talk too much though. That was it.

Farah Nad came over to visit me earlier. Both she and ly kept saying I shouldnt beat myself up for 'troubling' others since it's the least anyone should do for their loved ones. I had to differ, but I kept it inside because it was family. And thats the problem, isnt it? I kept to myself so much that it just overflows in such a way? Ironic how family is all there is and all there was.
We talked about things, shared stories, and I tried to find out what happened while I was out.

It broke me to see her try and explain that the plain look on my face that night crushed the both of them so much — my darkened circles, bulging never-before-seen eye bags, my faint energy.

It rained during maghrib. I dedicated the sudden blasting pour to myself and started reading some blog posts before fnad came over. Reaching home, I only managed to sleep for 2 hours - 8AM-10AM. It will be a great sleep tonight, I can feel it. So heres to a good end of the day of trauma: Happy Halloween gang hahaha. There are two songs that have been my saving grace every morning, and every night. The obvious, first one is One More Light by Linkin Park, and the other is this.. Evanescence's My Heart is Broken.



I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you

I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart)

I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold

Labels: #suchafah, family, how do we deal with this, how long have i kept this in, how now brown cow, it's so hard to express this shit in words, keep calm and carry fah, well now, what the flying fuck, word vomit

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going over the tip to overcome and conquer that stagnant state is as difficult as making the first move the first time. it's a plateau im experiencing in both my weight/excess fat loss and my relationship with my partner.

i. the excess fat loss has stopped; i have to take extra measures to amp up my efforts to maintain a consistent loss. I know I need to keep to my intermittent fasting more actively as well as to be consistent in my exercise. Procrastinating my yoga and not doing it everyday when I told myself I would is one of the reasons why Im 'failing' so I shouldnt complain. Just have to keep doing it, not as a chore but as a distraction...

ii. the feelings I have are still here, but there's a painful parry initiated by nervous thoughts whenever I think of Pang. it's uncomfortable, and i fear I might have to talk to him about it. its even more fearful when I think that it might even lead to a sort of confrontation. im not sure why and when this fear crept its way up, but it's very unsettling. the only assurance I have is that this plateau will be a first for me.. However, I cant say the same for him.

obviously things have fallen into a certain routine, a stagnant pool of habits, so there might be that bit where I might be taking things for granted? I know what can make me move, what can make things better: add a little fun. while that is a sure-fire way to amp things up for myself, it's not always the easiest. I've to remember to keep myself distracted from the unnecessary thoughts, and just do me. Things shifted, and now they're settled. it's time to shift again so that I can progress further to better myself.

Labels: it's so hard to express this shit in words, let us just go to a place, pang the popiah, well now, word vomit

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Raya Duty: self-proclaim term that translates to being tortured as the eldest child and eldest daughter in having to be around when people come to visit to (one) entertain the guests and show your manners, (two) help mum in the kitchen, (three) mask-on and show how tolerably tolerant you are in showing respect and honour to those older than you.

I'll be honest. I really dread being on raya duty. but of course, it is my own coined term. I dread it so because of the time it wastes doing nothing. but when i think about it after some time, i enjoy doing nothing. because life gets you so busy that you forget to slow down the tempo to appreciate the smallest of luxuries of life...... which is why I am contradicting myself right this moment. i dread raya duty because of the repeated questions. i dread raya duty because of the mask i have to put on. i dread raya duty especially when my family are the ones to go visiting. so, really, actually, why am i complaining?...

Dad is the oldest son in his family. The orang kuat of my paternal family. people come to visit him instead.

on days that we visit, i relish in the adorable golden citizens like nek teh. she is a joy to be with, still quite nimble although the pounds have tremendously been removed from her. i say removed, because she dont do nothing to deserve that kind of sudden shrinkage. but! old age does things to you. especially when you hit the internet age. this age.

there are, of course, rare occasions when i suddenly regret strolling out of my room or coming back home late and missed some lovely guests who visited. one of them is kak fiqah. she has a smart, if not sharp mind. and this year, she brought her husband. turns out, her husband is pointedly a quieter sharp shooter. im fascinated by his demeanor. its such a strong silence that is, weird but true, very engaging. i catch myself looking at him even though im in a conversation with kak fiqah. one of the reason im doing so might be because hes sitting in between the both of us so, you know, i try to be engaging and involve people around me huahuahua

i almost always surprise myself talking to people like kak fiqah and abang azmi. i feel the need to prove myself, and in abang azmi's case, the need to one-up after my last meeting with him. with kak fiqah, i guess i wanna prove im growing. she is my cousin after all. i look up to her.. her effort and hard work to follow through a safe and stable journey. i, on the other hand, am the total opposite of her. i guess opposites attract after all. speaking with kak fiqah allows me a peek into the window of my future. she's pregnant, kak fiqah. due early august. i found myself asking about her.. whether she's aware and appreciative of the changes going through her. i failed to ask her one important question: how does this all make her feel; i ran out of time. it was past her bedtime, so they needed to leave.
abang azmi is quite obviously a touch-and-go person. he only notices you for two reaons: one, you did something wrong to him or those that mattered to him, and two, you made him reconsider his stand. i would say abang azmi is quite accomplished, seeing that he travels the world for his job and knows a fair bit about everything. i like his brain. he's street smart and sly. lolol i dont lie, its got a lot to do with that dread of his thats been there since i can remember. its only getting longer HAHAHHAA HE KEEPS HIS HAIR LONGER AND BETTER THAN I KEEP MINE. AND MINE'S IS LIKE THE FEMALE VERSION OF A BUZZCUT. whatever that means lel i want to impress him. i think its a challenge i took upon myself unknowingly, only realizing it probably at least 2 years back. hes hard to impress, and the fact that he remembers the longest cold war ever between siblings (me and the sister) speaks volumes. ive said hes a touch-and-go person, so that means he wants to be in on a thing, but not get involved. so i told him the ins of what went down of the cold war, and then nothing else of it. and that kept us talking. he was surprised to know that im still going down the creative path, one way or another. he knows a thing or two about that, and hes got my back. sort of. so i want more from that. i dont want just his back. i want to have his foot in.

but its not just for abang azmi. it's practically for everyone i meet and recognize and know. family, friends, even strangers. i want to leave an impression, and im very, very conscious of my body language. first impressions yo.


i just hope that i make sense just posting my 5th personality test. its the 5th, and its still the same.... everything is a majority except whether im an extrovert or introvert. its a dang blur of a line, yo. even after the 5th try. huahuahua and for sure, this also links back to my language of love result where i am first and foremost a quality time spender before a physical touch yayayayay~!! it says a lot, right? hehehe so let me end this post by sharing my discussion with wak ija on the first day of raya. i guess this brings a whole closure to who i am as of 1st July 2017 teehee

i didnt do anything. kept quiet upon entering grandma's house, kept to my corner. had my nice face on. technically, i was still warming up that first morning of raya. wak ija connected with me first, commenting on how fairly bright i have become as opposed to the glum and gloomy facade i wore years prior to that day. i told her it was probably because of the soap mum bought for me, but i didnt tell her that its also because ive come to terms with the way things have become, are now, and will be in the future. i also didnt tell her that this 'change' has no relation to my acts of prayer, because im oh-so short in prayer count, but i still believed. I believed in Allah, but I dont have the heart in my confidence. i didnt tell her that.
she continued with the standard questions/interrogations, and found out that my partner is a chinese gentleman who is greatly adored by my parents and, obviously, myself. shes super supportive of it, and she wishes that he comes to join us as a family in relationship and in religion. i had to put my flag up because it's still a very much unspoken topic. her passion was flowing through, so i didnt completely stop her there. wak ija is a businesswoman, right, so she has her ideas floating around everywhere above her one path. and that path is her Islam. i say "her Islam" because as of this day, Ive concluded that everyone's Islam will definitely vary even by a millimeter. and yet, it is still Islam. so, her islam is also my islam with some loss of quality since i am quite lacking myself, right. and she has very good intentions for me. she wants me to find and be with a man that is capable of leading me in both on earth and in the afterlife. bottomline is, she wants me to be happy and have confidence in my husband that will bring me down a righteous path. again, her righteousness doesnt necessarily reflect mine, but keep in mind that i understand her idea and intentions. i dont stop her. she continues throwing magnificent wishes of bliss and blessed life.. and i am so grateful that this woman who was once my nightmare come to life is so accepting of my partner who she has never met. she was never this vocal and supportive of me, period. it was a great thing to have spoken to her... to have allowed myself to speak to her.

so you see, this left and right choices... i dont really think about it. i just do. i think later. if my gut feeling tells me that i should shut up, i shall. the one catch? my gut feeling is not what my heart tells me. so i follow the 'voice' of the stronger one. its the same to my approach of my raya duty... to my decision in wanting to entertain people — who to entertain... my decision to let wak ija carry on and remember her words... its the same for the reason how and why i chose pang to be my partner even though im very aware of the challenges ahead.

its the same approach to the reason why i love my pang. ♥

does any of this make sense? i hope so.

Labels: #suchafah, all is well, it's so hard to express this shit in words, look at what we have here, this is good, well now, word vomit, words of love (:

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when people change, i can accept that. but when i change, it gets really.. suffocating.

i dont know whats changed today, but it's been a terrible day since afternoon. im just surrounded with negativity and doubt. flustered about nothing and tried my best to keep my head in the game of work and projects.

i dont understand what's happening, and i dont like it. but i dont want to do anything about it. i want to stay away and stay inside, where im safe without thoughts of having to think about others' thoughts and feelings first.

update: i also dont want to keep whining and beat myself down but there are days that i just cant help it. sometimes, i feel that im meant to be this sad of a person. i dont want to do anything, to be anything, to feel anything. it sucks. but at the same time, it is also a need.

and the rain totally helps with the downtime.

Labels: it's so hard to express this shit in words, the level of difficult is nope

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dont bother about what other people say.

of course i dont. but what about the things your parents say?
other people means everyone else that is not you.
parents are included.

why am I so scared of the future?
is it because i have to answer to my parents?
for the choices and decisions that I make?

why do I always have to think about my parents?
is it because of filial piety?
is it because it's what everyone does?
it doesnt take religion to know that you shouldnt disrespect your parents, right?

so why do i still need to answer to my parents?
is it because they truly care for you?
is it to feed their sense of entitlement for something they birthed to?

why am i constantly pulling myself down with the fear of my parents at the back of my mind?
why dont people understand this fear that I see/feel?
is it because they dont understand?
is it because it's a really trivial thing that I blew up out of proportion in my head?

what do i really feel when I saw the academic dismissal email?
was I more happy or sad? or terrified?
what did I think about, the future opportunities that ive had to put aside because of school,
or did i think about the nasty things i have to face with my parents?

they say its all about the mental mettle, so do i really have it?
if i never did, is this a sign of how much work i have to put in to change?
for a better future?

should i stop cowering in front of my parents for things that ive decided for myself that doesnt sit right with them?
is it selfish to keep going for the things that i feel sits right with me but not with them?
how do i find balance between keeping my parents happy and keeping myself happy?
does it matter whether i get their blessings to pursue my dreams?

why do I constantly think of the worst reactions from my parents with my choice and decisions?
is it because they have never been satisfied with what i choose for myself?
does that actually matter to me? yes, yes it does. but my own happiness and satisfaction matters more.

is it my fault that im constantly trying new things when i fail at one thing?
why is it a "fault"? who taught me that faults are bad things?
why are all these questions here? should they matter now?

if I want to do something, I should just do it, yes?
with or without the backing and support of my parents?
doesnt it hurt more to give up at failure than failing and trying again?

the only right or wrong answer can be found by me.
so it shouldnt matter, the number of questions i have.
i will find them all eventually.
i will keep trying.
i have been trying since before zootopia.
and that wont change.
what will change are my actions and perseverance — they will only get stronger and greater in numbers.

i shall sit down and recalibrate where i stand against where i wanna be.
because pang is right with one thing,
i need to "find out [my responsibilities] what makes [my] decisions. Maybe [I] will see a clearer picture."

Labels: it's so hard to express this shit in words, pain is only temporary, this is why

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there are days that im aware that i get too involved with myself. i had told myself to become detached from this world once in a while. i would see things not from my own eyes once in a while. i imagine a certain drone-like thing in a distance behind the top of my head. a literal bird's eye view. it clears up certain thoughts and sights that i initially saw with my seeing organs. it helps though, to be able to see yourself. things feel a lot easier. if im too caught up with things, with myself, my mind will flip the switch and suddenly i see myself. the out-of-body experience while conscious. its not impossible to switch between these two perspective. a cause for concern is when this normalcy becomes so ingrained that two perspective becomes worthless. greed overtakes, and then the creation of more perspectives happen. the subsequent perspectives that follow are really just imaginary perspectives from the way we think others perceive us. at least, thats how it is for me. and while im usually pretty accurate about my gut feels against or for others, ive stopped relying on these out-sourced perspectives and instead just focus on two main ones: my seeing organ and the perspective above me. all of these just to make sure that i dont get too attached to the things i do and literally see the bigger picture. thats why some days certain routine things are easy while some days theyre not. this is not dual personality or whatever. it's really just one of my working mechanisms. theyre usually right.

thats why i dont rely on them too much. truth hurts. i suck.

Labels: #suchafah, a little complexity, it's so hard to express this shit in words, well now

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Labels: #suchafah, cos truth hurts, it's so hard to express this shit in words, this is why

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unless you wanna step out of your comfort, safe zone for a bit, understand that you know yourself best. mistakes are good. lets you learn. let us grace the new year by, first and foremost, acknowledging and learn to love ourselves. being yourself is the safest way to have fun.

God Bless. Have a Merry New Year y'all.

Labels: fah says, it's so hard to express this shit in words, let us just go to a place

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I am really suffocated. I have lost my soul. I have lost my purpose in life right now.

I am lost, but, no two fucks will be spared for me.

Labels: failure, fuck la, it's so hard to express this shit in words, what are we to do with this situation, whoa piang

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there never seemed to be a need to contact everyone in the world anymore. even if there was, it's always the usual handful. but I rarely found the strength to actually be productive enough to send the message across. the thumbs and fingers would, at first, be enthusiastically writing, typing away at the useless touch-screen until, finally, at the end, I dont know whether there was a need to profess my asserted love and misses for them. and then I start questioning, whether there was ever a need to present such a disheartening message to them.

disheartening, because I would tell them of my pointless adventures about my dreams or my work. and relate it back to them. it's usually the truth, but some truth are just ugly because they display something else that some persons never intended to express. so I stop myself, and I shut up. I close the draft and put my phone away. I go get my pencils and papers and start drawing. or I start scooping icecream again.

the world is a harsh place. one cannot always earn both desires. if you want to play, you dont get the time. if you get the time, you dont get the money. if you dont get the money, then you dont get to own collections. but Im alright with this. I just need to be happy with whatever I can get, whatever that I have. right now, Im at the peak, my prime, where I really delve in the little joys of all the small things. family is right at the top of this place, and I am contented. much too contented, that I decided to let loose some grip on the circles Ive needlessly put so much effort to earn and keep.

the world is stupid. sometimes, we are stupid. but at the rate the world is going, the universe and the babies they hold are growing incredibly stupid beyond logic. Im confounded by the amount of stupidity that I see here that it seems to have become a virus, a society, a habit, the lifestyle. Im afraid to move forward like this, where people judge almost immediately as you blink your eyes. I dont want to move on, I want to stay in this comfort that is my home and bed, surrounded forever by mother's food.

but mother's food isnt forever. and forever is never always good. but bad is never forever too. and then you see that everything is actually chained together by unseen forces that have actually already thought this through for over hundred and thousands and millions of centuries ago. the only thing left for you to do is to

live happy with less thoughts and doubts while surround yourself with your own judgement of goodness.

Labels: #suchafah, it's so hard to express this shit in words, let us just go to a place, massive internal mind-spam in progress, matters of the heart

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through all the good and bad, I have to say — and admit — that my family, specifically my parents, have been the best part of not just this month, but every other month, day, year, hours, minutes, seconds and point(s) of my life. I've learnt a lot, too much that the term 'a lot' seems so negligible. undoubtedly, I always have a couple of favours and fancies for this month, truly, because it's my special month. I can say that I dont believe in birthdays but every human being definitely craves for the feeling of attention and centre-stage, and I might fall prey to this greed too. I used to long so much for presents and all that the material world can offer. now.. well, not anymore. not much anyway.

through the years, especially since the tertiary education years have gone and passed for over a year now, I have reduced my circle of company. despite the run-down, there will always be those that are filtering, hovering and constantly wavering in and out of my membrane of ships. those who remain in my ship, well, some of them are quite dodgy people. I dont know how much I mean to them but for sure they mean a lot to me. so it's okay. HAHAHA

I can confidently thrust my hands in the air and swear that I've changed. definitely. for the better. this I hold quite true, significant data memory for this month. it's quite a comeback from my fall from grace earlier this month, where I lost all hopes and motivations. certainly, greed and selfish thinking can break an entire being that was always so strong and mighty. and that's exactly it. newton's third law states that, to every action there is always opposed an equal reaction, and it also means that for every good thing there's always a bad thing that comes with the package. (Y)

I've learned to accept responsibilities, consequences and humility that comes with my decisions and actions. I've learned that if I am good, there is someone else that's definitely better, even if by a hairline of counts. if anything else, I've learned that you can never find a replacement for your family, even in friends, because we all know that this lay true. no matter how fucked up people are, family will always come back into the equation. hate is a slutty word, so we should make a point not to turn into hoes. to be selfless is hard, but if it's easy for me, then I shall set the example and not run my mouth because it's a waste of energy. Haha I would love to stay quiet and reserved for everyone's good, but there are just some things that needs the presence of my noisy, bubbly, lively mask. I saw a certain quote that Mother scribbled down somewhere in her sketchbookpapers;

Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it, while you make your happiness so cheap that everyone gets it for free.

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this month also welcomes my first generation of poly kids into the alumni world, same as I. while they rejoice in their fellowhoods, I seek enthusiasm from this man, my one and only eudaimonia design god.

the President of Faris Fanclub speech []
took me four years to get a shot with my eudaimonia inspiration and motivation.. only to appear drunk beside my design god. I dont think I can thankyou enough, and I dont think anyone will ever understand my sense of attachment to a person who has never personally taught me, yet, can affect me in such a magnificent way that can be mistaken for obsession and worship. (hahaha~) it's always nice to exchange words with a larger-than-life being.. so grounded, so real. ridiculous. I shall ease such awe since a new path has begun, but the fond memories that this student graduate has of this role model director/lecturer/friend lives on; as a foundation to being who I am. once a designer, always a designer. 🍼

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this month also sees a particularly obsession for three things: Siam Shade, Fairy Tail, [k].
fairy tail's natsu and jellal have got me losing my blood from the constant stabs to the heart, for my ideals are almost always inked on papers and books only. T_T what pains me most is THAT HAIR. and omg, EYES! oh, my weak and vulnerable twoty-one heart.
siam shade's musicianship has got my ears and eyes addicted. I am hooked on the habit of watching their live videos before I settle for sleep. it's insane that I would willingly stay up (almost!) all night just to rewatch the same live, epic, perfect lives from daita's fingers, junji's arms, kazuma's mouth wrinkle, natchin's headbang and ultimately hideki's vocals with them stares \0w0/ AND THEY ARE HAVING A COMEBACKKKKKK //jizz and faints
[k]'s mangas and anime has gotten me glued. their art and graphics are f~ine I am in awe. I aspire to produce such quality lines, yet, the characters' subtleness has to meet the likes of K-On with Vampire Knight details. OH MY~

I have never been happyer. I guess I shall leave for my preparations now.

LaSalle's College of the Arts' Musical Theatre audition this Thursday. I am still not prepared. ):
Aaaand the family will be going for Australia's Goldcoast for the week! Im guessing this is my birthday celebration. TEEHEE YAY~
aaaaaand, my loves koagonoth and siewmai are leaving for the camou camp soon. well, at least my tepung is back. I got to cling onto him for a good 2 minutes yesterday when we bumped into each other at Clementi. ^///^ SO. HAPPY!

Labels: #suchafah, another one for the count, happy, it's so hard to express this shit in words, let us just go to a place

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I can watch this forever. but no.
these amazing walls of dominoes only lasts for 1hour and a little more.


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the only thing worthy of my weekend. even then,
this temporary escape is becoming another numb route to feeling again.


the only reason my Tuesday was bearable.
and overly sweet. thankyou for having me ♥ wifey!


the haunting question that never fails to echo within myself,
even for a fraction of a second. losing the guilt trip, slowly.


the fact that this person is still trying to smile and feel
invisibly claws at my chest. this time, only pain is genuine.


if I really am doing nothing, I be smiling and levitating
towards the sky in such a despicable form that screams "aww~ qt~"



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too many times, I dont know what is expected of me. from your books, from your thoughts. too many times, I wish I knew what you were thinking. as many as those times that I was left in wonder, constantly in your chokehold of assumptions, I wished I could get into your head and manipulate your mind. if I truly was able to correct your mind in my favour with three/3 things, the first thing I'd do would be to change the fuse and switch on the 'trust' plug. obviously, we are disconnected from that for far too long. next we have the screaming. I would 'uninstall (that) programme' from your vocal chords so we wont ever have to mimic the volume from in here to out there. the final change would be a double-kill: to 'defrag' and start allowing 'guests' into your system. needless to say, you need to know what it's like out there in the real world, because I can safely say the eldest kid has enough experience to par the two goldies combined.

last night, I shut down. too many expectations, too much hopes, so many levels in which I held it in. kept it in for too long. even now, I dont know where to release these trash inside. I cant empty them, I cant clean them, I cant even sort them out — theres too much to be sorted out. now, I lose myself. I dont know what to do and I dont care what I do. my fear is the only thing constant. fear of hurt, rejection, disappointment.. just, fear.

I've applied for Musical Theatre over at Lasalle, but Ive yet to submit my application to seal the deal and obtain my audition date. I cant, for the life of me, get my head in the game. right now, and Praise the Lord, I need, no, I WANT to get back to work. if Money makes them happy all the flippingbluewhale time, then immediate cash is the only certainty I can give.



FUCK IT I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START FINDING FOR MYSELF. THOUGH THIS HAS GONE ON FOREVER, OBVIOUSLY FAR TOO LONG, I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START THE STOPPING. SOMEBODY GET ME A GENIE, OR GET ME A LAMP SO I CAN FALL BACK INTO A SUPREME ENCLOSURE AND LAY MYSELF TO REST.

Labels: either way ends will meet, fuck la, it's so hard to express this shit in words, mother/father, thinking too much again (maybe), why am I not at ease

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When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
And television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far
I've got to break away
So take my hand now

Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
With wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

I've been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands, yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand, yeah

Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
With wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

Sometimes this life can get you down
It's so confusing
There's so many rules to follow
And I feel it
Cause I just run away in my mind

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Superstars and cannonballs running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Compassion in the jungle
Compassion in your hands, yeah
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand, yeah

Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
With wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
With wind in my hairrr yeah

Labels: it's so hard to express this shit in words, music, thoughts

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