Tuesday, February 17, 2026, 4:49 am Β·
Winds of Change
Winds of Change
What if I... let go this year? I say this but truth be told, Ive probably already taken the first step — booking myself a trip to Korea for 8 days. With no plans. Only good (desperate) vibes. For freedom. For the need to feel good in my own skin again.
something within me feels like it/they/she wants to break free, and I dont know what else is there to do except to just close my eyes, go blind and just do. this sensation feels very familiar actually — I vividly remember back when I was super young, like maybe Kindergarten or Primary School age, when we were still in the old house of Block 747, I was learning how to ride a bike. Afraid of falling and the pain that follows a learned crash, I kept to cycling along the corridor. I continued to struggle though, pedaling the bike was strangely growing difficult. After a while, I felt it in me that I needed to... move. To a bigger space. Remove the training wheels and attempt cycling out in the open.
In my fresh adult phase in life some time back, I recalled this moment as my gut-feeling telling me it's time to progress past the corridor. I think my spirit (or some kind of personal abstract concept) was beginning to feel claustrophobic. Deep inside, I knew that I needed to move out into the open and get that cycling learning down. The mental image in my head was akin to wings unable to stretch out because of the literal confinement within the corridor. I had a lot of fear, but I remembered a few days later there was a burst of confidence and I did two things at once — went down to the open space at the void deck, and removed the training wheels.
The immediate success that followed after shedding my own training shackles was undoubtedly a core memory, seeing as I can still refer to it decades later. Truly, there was a sense of freedom which I think is attributed to no longer feeling like Im held down.
—
I said all that to say that maybe this is what Im feeling right now. Maybe Im back here again, feeling exactly what my very young self felt. And this time, it will be an intended metamorphosis again — which I believe was what it was back then. A solid pit stop as my entire internal universe does a system overhaul.
Something that has probably been nagging at the back of my head for the longest time is my art. I have been fussing and stressing about it because of how I view it as another arm for profit. Feels like Im approaching it the wrong way... or perhaps, it's the wrong sequence. Right now,
I should just do it because, at the very root of my being, Art was always the thing I gravitated to. My potential source of regulation, meditation, and happiness. Perhaps once I start focusing inward like that, there can be a better build towards an outward manifestation that can bring in the profits that I wish to have (think James Jean, Loish!).
Genuinely very excited just thinking about it.
something within me feels like it/they/she wants to break free, and I dont know what else is there to do except to just close my eyes, go blind and just do. this sensation feels very familiar actually — I vividly remember back when I was super young, like maybe Kindergarten or Primary School age, when we were still in the old house of Block 747, I was learning how to ride a bike. Afraid of falling and the pain that follows a learned crash, I kept to cycling along the corridor. I continued to struggle though, pedaling the bike was strangely growing difficult. After a while, I felt it in me that I needed to... move. To a bigger space. Remove the training wheels and attempt cycling out in the open.
In my fresh adult phase in life some time back, I recalled this moment as my gut-feeling telling me it's time to progress past the corridor. I think my spirit (or some kind of personal abstract concept) was beginning to feel claustrophobic. Deep inside, I knew that I needed to move out into the open and get that cycling learning down. The mental image in my head was akin to wings unable to stretch out because of the literal confinement within the corridor. I had a lot of fear, but I remembered a few days later there was a burst of confidence and I did two things at once — went down to the open space at the void deck, and removed the training wheels.
The immediate success that followed after shedding my own training shackles was undoubtedly a core memory, seeing as I can still refer to it decades later. Truly, there was a sense of freedom which I think is attributed to no longer feeling like Im held down.
—
I said all that to say that maybe this is what Im feeling right now. Maybe Im back here again, feeling exactly what my very young self felt. And this time, it will be an intended metamorphosis again — which I believe was what it was back then. A solid pit stop as my entire internal universe does a system overhaul.
But in order for it to be successful, I have to fully embrace the chaos that comes with it
so that I can learn how to regulate and settle down better after the storm.
Something that has probably been nagging at the back of my head for the longest time is my art. I have been fussing and stressing about it because of how I view it as another arm for profit. Feels like Im approaching it the wrong way... or perhaps, it's the wrong sequence. Right now,
I should just do it because, at the very root of my being, Art was always the thing I gravitated to. My potential source of regulation, meditation, and happiness. Perhaps once I start focusing inward like that, there can be a better build towards an outward manifestation that can bring in the profits that I wish to have (think James Jean, Loish!).
Genuinely very excited just thinking about it.
Labels: life has so many lemons to make lemonades out of, reminder remember, this is my safe space, wind(s) of change
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Wednesday, February 04, 2026, 12:29 am Β·
Wh- it's 2026?!?!?!!!
Wh- it's 2026?!?!?!!!
Hey blog!
It is suddenly 2026 now; and worse, it is already February. I didnt even realise January passed. My schedule has been packed, and I feel even more chained down with low spirits due to multiple reasons. I do feel bogged down because of my principles in doing any task and responsibilities that come with whatever I'd agreed on — primarily with paid jobs — and my constant need for money. I think Ive come to the stage in my life where Im significantly losing aura AND patience, so Im going about things in an almost rash manner.
Trying not to blame myself too much with this because the truth of the matter is that I have been hustling for a damn long time so naturally, all that patience I've mentally prepared for behaves like how an elastic band would... keep pulling steadily for too long and the bonds are bound to loosen. As you do with life, the stage of feeling jaded and discouraged is back.
What's terrifying is that this heaviness feels veeery comfortable sitting in the space right in the middle of my chest. I am losing strength.
Off the top of my head is always money matters — which hurts a lot more this time because I am in desperate need for funds if I am to grab the opportunity to move out with the 35-year-old single plans + schemes. I need to plan and execute right away. Taking inspiration from all that is around me may become a tough job because I need to test out what works for me — not just in style but also in my needs of things to move fast (which I low-key am aware is not possible).
I made a rash decision to fly to Korea at the end of February — because Cookie Run Kingdom exhibitions blinded me — so I guess we have to see how I take things from here.
My schedule has been really ridiculous, but I guess I cannot complain if I need the money. I just... need... to be smarter and move faster with this. SIGH
It is suddenly 2026 now; and worse, it is already February. I didnt even realise January passed. My schedule has been packed, and I feel even more chained down with low spirits due to multiple reasons. I do feel bogged down because of my principles in doing any task and responsibilities that come with whatever I'd agreed on — primarily with paid jobs — and my constant need for money. I think Ive come to the stage in my life where Im significantly losing aura AND patience, so Im going about things in an almost rash manner.
Trying not to blame myself too much with this because the truth of the matter is that I have been hustling for a damn long time so naturally, all that patience I've mentally prepared for behaves like how an elastic band would... keep pulling steadily for too long and the bonds are bound to loosen. As you do with life, the stage of feeling jaded and discouraged is back.
What's terrifying is that this heaviness feels veeery comfortable sitting in the space right in the middle of my chest. I am losing strength.
Off the top of my head is always money matters — which hurts a lot more this time because I am in desperate need for funds if I am to grab the opportunity to move out with the 35-year-old single plans + schemes. I need to plan and execute right away. Taking inspiration from all that is around me may become a tough job because I need to test out what works for me — not just in style but also in my needs of things to move fast (which I low-key am aware is not possible).
I made a rash decision to fly to Korea at the end of February — because Cookie Run Kingdom exhibitions blinded me — so I guess we have to see how I take things from here.
My schedule has been really ridiculous, but I guess I cannot complain if I need the money. I just... need... to be smarter and move faster with this. SIGH
Labels: #suchafah, how do we deal with this, well now
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Tuesday, April 29, 2025, 12:25 pm Β·
What's a stronger word to express extreme exhaustion
What's a stronger word to express extreme exhaustion
As I wait for my class to start at Shuqun Primary right now, I just wanna say that
There is a fucking loaded arsenal of thought in my head right now that needs a home, or a sense of direction towards a quiet corner where they belong. They range from topics of "Cleaning" to "Coping" and, most importantly "Schedule".
An immediate schedule that my gut craves and desires more than bingsu
is TRAVEL β my one-month out of service. It is growing urgent as the reality begins to settle in my gut that I will very likely be pressed for a full-time position with SP next year. sigh sigh.
alright, bell has rung. let me get ready for class before I return home and continue this writing.
There is a fucking loaded arsenal of thought in my head right now that needs a home, or a sense of direction towards a quiet corner where they belong. They range from topics of "Cleaning" to "Coping" and, most importantly "Schedule".
An immediate schedule that my gut craves and desires more than bingsu
is TRAVEL β my one-month out of service. It is growing urgent as the reality begins to settle in my gut that I will very likely be pressed for a full-time position with SP next year. sigh sigh.
alright, bell has rung. let me get ready for class before I return home and continue this writing.
Labels: #suchafah
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Saturday, January 11, 2025, 11:56 am Β·
And again, there is yet another shift
And again, there is yet another shift
For one reason or another, there is a change that I can feel from within. It is a great feeling, steering towards positivity β there is a certain lightness, but it didnt come easily. I had been going through some really rough, heavy, and dark thoughts because of finances heading into the new year. There is this thing I do which is to pre-empt my expenditure in preparation for my own personal spending. it had felt like I was starting 2025 in such a rough place, my funds being hella tight.
I prayed yesterday. Leaving all my worries on the prayer mat, I was internally shouting to Allah to relieve me of my pain. part of me is angry, frustrated that I am still struggling when I work so much. often, the thought of a conversation from a previous grab ride returns β "dont associate/adjunct lecturers get paid a lot? you're earning well". No, no I am not earning well.
I have re-calibrated my priorities for 2025. I want to focus on my art again, so that I can start my journey to mirror the life of Loish. Im starting really late, and in really tough economy, so I need to get my head in the game and be smart about things. I want to do the things I wanna do, with whatever amount of time I want, untied and unbounded by things. but I have lofty dreams and desires, what kak s mentioned is also accurate. yes, it is something that I aware of too, and it is a constant battle within myself. so one of the concerns is that, in order to reach my aim of earning 5k each month, if I were to focus on SP alone, I will need to hit at least a minimum of 15 hours a week, and a LeX-OSIP trip every semester break. that is a lot of stresses on my person, but I truly need it.
apart from the art and career that I desire, there is also the need to purchase my own house from mid-2027 once I hit 35 on my birthday. this is not just a desire, it is a desperate need since like eons ago. there is a lot of money in that kind of investment. on top of that initiation, there is also the fact that I will need to maintain the funds in order to sustain the kind of lifestyle I want. a simple life, but there will definitely be a bit of money required in my bank, my wallet, and the other fund reservoirs (i.e. CPF, SingCapital investments, etc). a lot of planning comes with it, at least with the kind of person that I am, and it includes looking after my schedule well.
I have a 2-year plan, and as advised by kak s, a 5-year plan. Working hard now will have huge repays in the future, something I desperately need as I continue to age according to my own terms which, in itself, is a constant obstacle that I needa overcome bahaha
it'd be nice to provide a progress update every few months, so we'll see if I can do it.
I prayed yesterday. Leaving all my worries on the prayer mat, I was internally shouting to Allah to relieve me of my pain. part of me is angry, frustrated that I am still struggling when I work so much. often, the thought of a conversation from a previous grab ride returns β "dont associate/adjunct lecturers get paid a lot? you're earning well". No, no I am not earning well.
I have re-calibrated my priorities for 2025. I want to focus on my art again, so that I can start my journey to mirror the life of Loish. Im starting really late, and in really tough economy, so I need to get my head in the game and be smart about things. I want to do the things I wanna do, with whatever amount of time I want, untied and unbounded by things. but I have lofty dreams and desires, what kak s mentioned is also accurate. yes, it is something that I aware of too, and it is a constant battle within myself. so one of the concerns is that, in order to reach my aim of earning 5k each month, if I were to focus on SP alone, I will need to hit at least a minimum of 15 hours a week, and a LeX-OSIP trip every semester break. that is a lot of stresses on my person, but I truly need it.
apart from the art and career that I desire, there is also the need to purchase my own house from mid-2027 once I hit 35 on my birthday. this is not just a desire, it is a desperate need since like eons ago. there is a lot of money in that kind of investment. on top of that initiation, there is also the fact that I will need to maintain the funds in order to sustain the kind of lifestyle I want. a simple life, but there will definitely be a bit of money required in my bank, my wallet, and the other fund reservoirs (i.e. CPF, SingCapital investments, etc). a lot of planning comes with it, at least with the kind of person that I am, and it includes looking after my schedule well.
I have a 2-year plan, and as advised by kak s, a 5-year plan. Working hard now will have huge repays in the future, something I desperately need as I continue to age according to my own terms which, in itself, is a constant obstacle that I needa overcome bahaha
it'd be nice to provide a progress update every few months, so we'll see if I can do it.
Labels: #suchafah, a slap of reality, money talk, reflection
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Wednesday, November 20, 2024, 10:12 am Β·
So when it hits, don't forget; as scary as it gets it's just turbulence
So when it hits, don't forget; as scary as it gets it's just turbulence
That is a line from Pink, one of my all-time favourite artists. There are so many great songs that I love with the word "turbulence" in it and I am very pleased to know this. Days like today, I often forget the road leading up to where I stand today. All the effort, the sweat, the tears, the agony, the silence, the tolerance, the people, the bad and the ugly... They were all there so that I can guarantee a life lived with happiness, calm, content, relief, gratitude, laughter, oh so much laughter, and above all peace. All unpleasant things give way to better times; after perseverence and courage.
The year 2024 was filled with plenty new things, both challenging and awe-inspiring. Never one to be without the other, I continue to marvel at how brilliant life can actually be even in the depths of my own personal hell. A constant stressor — money — remains at the forefront of it. What better way to challenge my growth as a person with impulse tendencies than to see it in the form of financial management through the years. Yes, it doesnt look like much has changed, yet there is a difference albeit slight. I write this as I struggle to grapple with an immediate sense of doom for the barrage of spending I had done and needed to do since August...
Oh August, you were the first of many trials I had to endure, though I cant pile everything on you since it all started right in the middle of the year. The beginning to this balancing act across many fronts is LeX-OSIP Programme, with the introduction of it happening in March.
I daresay my first LeX-OSIP experience was close to perfection. Blessed to have been given the opportunity to come onboard, blessed to be with an eclectic team from SP (in this instance, the constant shift in difficulty level of handling the characters and their character development) and Partner Uni (in this instance, it's the Marikina Polytechnic College team), blessed with a brilliant group of students. I had so much to learn, including learning things about myself, and it is proving to be an event I will look forward to. Perhaps I wont jinx it, and carry on as-is in as neutral of a perspective as I can. Guess this is my highlight for 2024, huh. As we near the end of the year, I look forward to the recap of significant events and core memories that I can bring along with me into the future.
But the pain with reflection is also the money matters. They say hindsight is 20/20, but when it comes to money... this relationship is tumultuous. I need it, and I want it. Along the way, I am gradually becoming the very thing I didnt want to be. The question was brought forth to me — a question I hated — so when Pops asked me why I havent been giving Mam money, I answered honestly that I just only have enough for myself. Because this is the truth. And I was embarrassed by it. There are reasons for this embarrassment, but intentionally forgetting to include my old folks in my payroll is not one of them. Part of the portion of the embarrassment is tainted with sadness from the fact that Pops had to still ask about it from me; perhaps I am just too good, damn near perfect, at showing that I am not struggling that it feels like he no longer knows his daughter. But the embarrassment is also due to, frankly, my inability to recall nor understand why my money doesnt last and keeps disappearing.
I dont have reason to be embarrassed though, honestly. I have been strong and quick at adapting to things for my survival, ensuring that I do not drown from the ugly necessity of having money. A good portion of the money has gone into investment and things, which unfortunately I will not be able to see until we hit the year 2031 where I can withdraw my endowment policy with SingLife. There is always a lot of thought and planning when it comes to money, so I will not bore myself further with this talk.
I need to move forward. Quickly. Make my plans, put in the time and work, and make that bread that I need. Being selfish for me is easy now, and I will keep it that way. Focus on my path, my dreams and goals, and my peace. The turbulence is undoubtedly scary, especially when I have been alone at this for so long. I desire an easier life too, but how much of my ego can I put down? The ego to make it on my own, the ego to keep my own time for myself, the ego to put my pleasures first?
This display of high ego is a direct result of having put everyone and everything before myself first for the longest time, and I am definitely not shying away from this one.
As I continue to acknowledge and grieve over all that I will have to continue to deal — particularly in this period — I hope I will remember Allah s.w.t. in the process. As a flawed human, while I was busy trying to survive and focus on myself, no ego is worth forgetting Allah in the midst and I have erred plenty in that aspect.
I will remind myself that I'm doing good so far. Proud may not be good enough a word for the nuance Im looking for, but here we are; and I am grateful for everything.
The year 2024 was filled with plenty new things, both challenging and awe-inspiring. Never one to be without the other, I continue to marvel at how brilliant life can actually be even in the depths of my own personal hell. A constant stressor — money — remains at the forefront of it. What better way to challenge my growth as a person with impulse tendencies than to see it in the form of financial management through the years. Yes, it doesnt look like much has changed, yet there is a difference albeit slight. I write this as I struggle to grapple with an immediate sense of doom for the barrage of spending I had done and needed to do since August...
Oh August, you were the first of many trials I had to endure, though I cant pile everything on you since it all started right in the middle of the year. The beginning to this balancing act across many fronts is LeX-OSIP Programme, with the introduction of it happening in March.
I daresay my first LeX-OSIP experience was close to perfection. Blessed to have been given the opportunity to come onboard, blessed to be with an eclectic team from SP (in this instance, the constant shift in difficulty level of handling the characters and their character development) and Partner Uni (in this instance, it's the Marikina Polytechnic College team), blessed with a brilliant group of students. I had so much to learn, including learning things about myself, and it is proving to be an event I will look forward to. Perhaps I wont jinx it, and carry on as-is in as neutral of a perspective as I can. Guess this is my highlight for 2024, huh. As we near the end of the year, I look forward to the recap of significant events and core memories that I can bring along with me into the future.
But the pain with reflection is also the money matters. They say hindsight is 20/20, but when it comes to money... this relationship is tumultuous. I need it, and I want it. Along the way, I am gradually becoming the very thing I didnt want to be. The question was brought forth to me — a question I hated — so when Pops asked me why I havent been giving Mam money, I answered honestly that I just only have enough for myself. Because this is the truth. And I was embarrassed by it. There are reasons for this embarrassment, but intentionally forgetting to include my old folks in my payroll is not one of them. Part of the portion of the embarrassment is tainted with sadness from the fact that Pops had to still ask about it from me; perhaps I am just too good, damn near perfect, at showing that I am not struggling that it feels like he no longer knows his daughter. But the embarrassment is also due to, frankly, my inability to recall nor understand why my money doesnt last and keeps disappearing.
I dont have reason to be embarrassed though, honestly. I have been strong and quick at adapting to things for my survival, ensuring that I do not drown from the ugly necessity of having money. A good portion of the money has gone into investment and things, which unfortunately I will not be able to see until we hit the year 2031 where I can withdraw my endowment policy with SingLife. There is always a lot of thought and planning when it comes to money, so I will not bore myself further with this talk.
I need to move forward. Quickly. Make my plans, put in the time and work, and make that bread that I need. Being selfish for me is easy now, and I will keep it that way. Focus on my path, my dreams and goals, and my peace. The turbulence is undoubtedly scary, especially when I have been alone at this for so long. I desire an easier life too, but how much of my ego can I put down? The ego to make it on my own, the ego to keep my own time for myself, the ego to put my pleasures first?
This display of high ego is a direct result of having put everyone and everything before myself first for the longest time, and I am definitely not shying away from this one.
As I continue to acknowledge and grieve over all that I will have to continue to deal — particularly in this period — I hope I will remember Allah s.w.t. in the process. As a flawed human, while I was busy trying to survive and focus on myself, no ego is worth forgetting Allah in the midst and I have erred plenty in that aspect.
Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us.
— Surah At-tawbah 9:40
I will remind myself that I'm doing good so far. Proud may not be good enough a word for the nuance Im looking for, but here we are; and I am grateful for everything.
Labels: pain is only temporary, struggle, why am I not at ease
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