Tomorrow is the 25th September. Four things are happening on that day.
1. Dad's flying off to Tianjin, China at 1:30AM
2. Mum's finally coming home after 2 weeks in Japan at 8:30AM
3. Farah Nad's 27th featuring a visiting Tareeq
4. 6 Months at Daiyo

All big things. All rather important things. A lot has happened between my last entry and this present one. Too many. Some very gnarly events, most of them mediocre. But they are all important in their own small ways after all. This past Sunday, I fell with food poisoning and stomach flu virus. The worst of my illnesses so far. My body in alarming pain of aches and needles, my breathing caught at the pipe because of a tightness not due to asthma. All very new experiences. All new challenges. I withstood 6 hours of pains -- every hour I was shitting and vomiting at the same time, my body forcing liquids and airs out even though by 6AM there was nothing left of me. I couldnt drink water; it'd all come out again. I couldnt lie down; my head spun as if I was webbing my own cocoon of death. My body cold with sweat despite my insides burning like hell froze over.

I truly felt like I was gonna die. 4 times, in fact, I thought "okay, this is it". And you know what?

I was okay with it.

If that was the way I was gonna die, then so be it. It is the most unglamorous way to die -- either on that bed drenched in my own cold sweat dry-heaving, or in the toilet trying to make both ends meet at the toilet bowl -- but it's a perfect reflection of my life so far. Twoty-fucking-seven years of just failures after failures. Just crash and burn chases that didnt see an end in sight. Lots of dreaming and dreamer's talk, but no reality's ground. Lying on that bed, I was so done with my life. Suicide was cool but if suicide meant my body had other plans in dealing with me, yeah, that'd be cool too. It'll actually be a corporeal homicide, but what would it matter. It is one entity involved anyway -- me.

So while I was wasting away in sweat and sorry, my head, high from the pain and desperation to go numb from it, started spinning. If, a very big if, this is God's way of telling me to man the fuck up, then well okay. There is a saying after all, that God loves you so much he'd make you ill just so you can remember and return to him. That I did, but I still cant prostrate straight (sorry, irony). A whole different gear of conversation came up, and this time, although God may forbid, I was thinking of all the different energies in the room, in the house, in the country, in the universe. Astrology. Energies and vibrations surround you. They are like magnets, they attract what you vibe out. All that thought summed up to an equation of sorts about my job and position: the last two months or so, I was a zombie at work. I was a mess outside my self. I was a ball of nerves and weariness. Why?

Many questions. So many questions I had. It all pointed to one thing in the end: I never knew what I wanted. I didnt have a direction. All paraphrasing aside, I basically lost myself. I forgot who I was. I forgot my essence. It's like Jack Frost in Guardians, the Animated Movie by Dreamworks. Jack Frost doesnt know his center so he couldnt figure out how to work at life. I didnt know my center (anymore), so I couldnt carry on with my life. I lost the jive I once had, I lost that bubbly chill vibe I had right before I started at Daiyo. One of the reasons why I felt so weighted down was the same thing I had previously written in my previous post -- the fact that I felt that I had betrayed myself for 'selling out' by going full-time for an office desk job. And worse, a "Graphic Designer".

I grew to loathe the job because of these two things. And that irksome grew in tiny fragments because it was fueled by the happenings of the office, not that anything happens very much. Besides the fact my job and position are 1. a graphic designer which I loathe, 2. an office desk job, the other offsets include 3. it's up to 4-hour total travel time by bus, up to 3-hour-ish by train but more physical effort, 4. a family-run business which means many baggage things, 5. a Chinese-majority means a very ignorant, Chinese culture, and 6. fatigue and exhaustion are my best friends. To expand on point no. 4, when a business is run by family, there are small things to take note a. there are usually no boundaries between personal and professional lives, b. these people can get very passive-aggressive and c. they will throw you masks of a thousand nice faces and you have to fear for your life for which mask is actually a non-mask. My biggest thing is sub-point b, when a person is paggro, all the things are kept inside and when it comes out it bursts usually unexpectedly and uncontrollably -- you dont know what hit you, neither do you know what triggered them. This paggro act causes a lot of anger and short-temper fuse that I notice with Boss and Big Boss. The way they carry themselves is very much typical of privileged Chinese people, but because they are superior they will be nice to you. Y'get me? When they talk to me, I know they think theyre being gentle and nice but dude I see right through you it's actually condescending so it hurts -- and it sucks more when they claim they dont micro-manage but they in fact do just that. So, ye, I call bullshit on that. It hurts because youre wasting my time and you think Im so fragile but hey youre straight up being condescending. Well ye, emotions get to us, like they get to you too dont they - hello, anger? - so why cant we express ourselves too? The worst experience I have so far is that one time when Boss was away on reservist and Big Boss called me out about wasting time on the design of the Mid-Autumn Festival. The way he put up that discussion to me is not right, because it was in everyone's earshot. Did he meant it for me, or did he meant it for everyone? Why did he do and say the way he did? And Lady Boss was right there even telling me that this is just a matter of discussion. Are you sure this looks like a discussion to you? This feels like a public roast to me, because if this was a discussion, you would have approached me at my table or bring me to your room. How is this a 'discussion'? Discussion for all??? To add salt to the wound, he kept mentioning that it's as if I wasted my time and effort for it, but Ive told him multiple times the fact that it was no effort at all putting that thing together I was just waiting on my Boss to give the go. Everything fell on deaf ears and he kept repeating whatever he just said -- and then declaring that Boss and I never communicated. Uh, fact #1, Boss and Big Boss are constantly at odds with each other so that is obviously miscommunication from the start. Fact #2, whatever I do is always being scrutinized so if it's about me 'missing the point/Daiyo feel', well yes, there is bound to be miscomm because I am a fucking Malay in a Chinese environment. Fact #3, because I am a fucking Malay in a Chinese environment, Im not confident to do things "my own way/with my own initiative" because look how many times my own suggested ideas got thrown down because it doesnt "fit the Daiyo brand"? and Fact #4, I have told Boss when I started, my role as a graphic designer here is to follow your instructions because that's how it is in Singapore.

Now, when the tables are turned against me, I will admit I am constantly late. The distance is a factor, and it is a major one. Again, the distance and the job scope are the very reasons why Im not performing as of late and I cannot guarantee it will get better so soon. I will, however, continue to do my best as I always have, because 2 grown men going at each other by catching one Malay Graphic Designer in the middle trying her best to silently address and find a solution to their problems is unfair if I cant say so myself. I am sad with this progress report (lol) they are a good bunch of people but it's really wearing me down. But, let me state this, I have nothing to lose.

There are always tonnes of jobs out there. Always. My one and only problem, I noticed and I realized now, which needs to be addressed and overcome immediately, is my tendency

to let things hang halfway, to leave things uncompleted, to cut short the length of anything, to cheat

I need to get my shit together because if Im dead set on freelance, I will not last any longer than I did before. Besides, if I have to die, I dont wanna cheat from habit out of that either.

Labels: #suchafah, can we have a minute of silence to listen, fucking piece of shit, this is why

.

but I know I did well. I will continue focusing on myself as Nasrun's daughter.

a girl may not have a name for herself, but if its in her father's name, strength comes much easier.

I will continue loving, until no more.

Labels: family, fucking piece of shit, strength, struggle

.

I told my mother. she said it's a waste you turned out to be so indecisive causing me so much hurt, but she doesnt want us to stop being friends. She says you're my right person, and I agree too, but it's not the right time. and youre not of the same mentality/page as I am, frankly speaking. while its mean to tell me that she predicted it, she said she definitely didnt expect us to last so long. I told her its not really 2 years worth of relationship.

We didnt do much together? my number 1 regret was having accepted you in the first place. I thought I could change you. I thought I could help you. But you were so adamant about not needing to change. I end up hurting myself a lot more than necessary.
But to that end, I can live with the fact that I did give my all into our relationship, although it's not the best that i could have given.

I will continue my drive with you as a friend, but I will definitely drop you from my priority. You've hurt me enough, and I would love for us to remain together as friends but be clear that I will be more adamant against you for my own sake.

I have loved you, I still do, but you never reciprocated them to me. Especially in words to reassure me. I've done all the reassuring for you, yet you still failed me. failed our relationship. You're too stuck with the malleable future that you refused to live in the current moment. with me. You fear about/for others so much that you've abandoned me. You treat me like just another friend, not like anyone special, so please carry on doing the same. your affections arent significant either, so please carry on.

the only reason why you feel like everything you do upsets me is because its all in your head. if you can think clearly, you can see that Ive been on my own for the longest time. ALL I NEEDED WAS YOUR TIME. I NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING ELSE. but you could do so many things with the rest, yet you couldnt even a bit of the same for me.

your reasons dont make sense for me. all of your thoughts. its all you. I tried to remind you time and time again to share your burden, that im not a fucking pet. I am your partner. I never needed you hand to lead me. I needed you to hold my hand with reassurance, with all the love you can give, and walk with me through every obstacle.

You fear. so much. that you projected your fears onto me. when I gain strength, you cut me down and insist on errors. play the roundabout game, repeating things youve told me many times before. Dont use the mental health trip on me. You werent there for me. when I went to the hospital, you didnt come down for me. when I had the panic attack (because of my guilt for you) you didnt stay with me/send me home.

you're so incapable with the little things. I knew that. I excused you. I let you pass with the only consolation that I needed your time. i cut down my texts to you, I cut down my visits to you, I left you alone for your sake.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED ME TO DO

youre better off being my precious friend than a partner. even till the end, you never uttered the word "love". so please leave and let me recover from you. I never stood a chance against your fears and your indecisive nature in truth. so stay as a friend. I might hate you for a bit, but I believe you deserve that much from me from having failed to love me to your best ability. Dont give me that shit that you couldnt — if I had been a priority for you, then you would have made time for me. the problem isnt me. it isnt you either, but your system that you refused to change. I never asked for much, and Im still sure...

Im the best you will ever get. You didnt fail me, dear. you failed yourself.

Be well.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, cos truth hurts, fucking piece of shit, stop hurting me, why you do this to me

.

you pressed for movie. I didnt.
cos I knew it was a setup for disappointment.

you'd tell me these things
and go back on them within that same week.

you don't always tell me things, I take them as they happen when I experience them. so your reason that it wasn't a promise 'yet' isn't valid.
because
all I wanted was your time. you teased me with the one thing so very precious from you.
I held on to them, expecting you to at least please me this much.

cos I'm not asking for a lot. I'm asking for you to make time for me for a bit. even if school is the place I've to go to to get you. 30 mins is more than enough.

when you witnessed my anxiety attack, please know the trigger was you. i felt so guilty about taking your time that it burdened me to that extent.

youre willing to abandon me. but i still can't blame you. why? because I know how much you regard your work, and how much you care about other's perceptions of people under your care.

that doesnt include me.

you tell me all those sweet things. I DONT FEEL THEM. at the end of the day, I'm left alone in a relationship cursed by a man who enjoys being greedy at his expense for the wrong reasons.

all your words contradict themselves. but I still want to love you.

its not fair that you get to decide things. I DIDNT ASK YOU TO DECIDE FOR ME. I asked you to choose for yourself. I know what I want, but I've always accomodated to you.

you said I was being a nuisance and selfish, i cut down my messages and days for you.

now its almost as if I've disappeared from. your life completely.

you said it first. you acknowledged that you lost the dedication. because of your mother. youre the selfish motherfucker right now. I accomodated everything for you. because I wanted to live in 'right now'. you were already so far away that the present was lost.

so now heres my accommodation. I'm gonna leave us hanging. I'll probably die in the process, but if makes you bubble up w guilt and despair, I'll do it.

i hope you miss me for always being present. i hope you miss me for always giving my best. i hope you miss me for the nonsense and genuine authenticity i offered.

i hope you miss loving me.

I don't know where I'll be next year, but good save me from the pain you brought onto me sober.

Labels: fucking piece of shit, pang the popiah

.

it doesnt make sense to me.

I want to go to you so bad
but I cant

do you know how much I hurt
do you know how much you hurt me
do you know how much love I have for you that still hasnt come through

i worry about you so much that I know how you think
but you can't do the same for me

Labels: fucking piece of shit, pang the popiah

.

I'm so hurt, dear.
you're such a walking juxtaposition.

I have so many things to tell you
but I don't because your plate is full

and because the problem between us
is your goddamm school and project.

you're willing to abandon me for them.
you're willing to abandon me for your mum.
you're willing to abandon me for your friends.

and I?

still stupidly wait.
still stupidly try to make you see
still stupidly try to make you understand
still stupidly try to hold on to you

and I hurt so bad.
I hurt.

this isnt the first that I'm hurting this much
but it is the first time

my heart is crying for me even after I'm done

Labels: fucking piece of shit, pang the popiah

.

I'm currently in a head-space where I feel good. I'm better at the moment. In my own skin. In my own head. And suddenly, after donning my new self-preservation anklet, I feel fine. Grounded. Stable. Sane. Done with bullshit. And I'm gonna call out the top two people in my circle and spill the beans. Of why they are the next bullshit in the list. Why they are the next toxic I would want to clear away.

Nisley. The last straw happened. This is not what "bestfriends" do to each other. You dont prioritize your boyfriend when its your "bestfriends" fucking birthday. You spend them with me. You're with him every single fucking day. Why cant you spend one fucking day with me. And you still dare to yap that it's "my day" I get to decide things. I didnt wanna decide what you should be doing cos I thought YOU FUCKING KNEW WHAT I WANT goddamnit. I wanted a day out with us. I wanted a day out with this thing you called "bestfriend". But no. The moment evening drew near your focus shifted. You wanted to fucking go to your boyfriend. You're not even present anymore. What's the point of gifting me a fucking fish bracelet then? You said I taught you how to fish, but whats the point of it all when you're gonna over-fish and lead everything to doom?? What's the point of telling me you want to change but you dont do it right then and there. Whats the point of calling me your fucking bestfriend when you dont even regard me in that fucking manner next to your boyfriend? Can you grow up? You dont need to fucking glue yourselves together what. Spend your days working on yourself and your heart. Now youre in the hospital for dehydration and exhaustion. I say Ive told you so! I dont wanna visit. I dont wanna give you the pity party. I am so angry I need to decide whether to prepare being angry the entire visit, or be so fucking amused that you got in this state. Why? Because you didnt listen to your "bestfriend". Because you do whatever you want cos its your life. Because I am only your "bestfriend" you could promise sweet things to. Is this how you treat all your bestfriends? No wonder youre always guilty to shariff and wani. You should be. It's up to you when to put a stop to this.

Pang. The way we've been going is totally something I can find and do with other friends. Freaking out about games, about lores, about memes, every thing. my other friends can fill in too.. guys and girls. What else do you offer? What CAN you offer to me as your partner? The things you've offered, you've done so far, are things that any friends should do. Basic. But you dont even cover basics. You dont ask how Im doing, you dont ask me if Im fine. You dont look for me. You dont shower me with sweets. You dont miss me. You dont even think of me. I know I dont want this, but I thought I'd give you a chance anyway. How long? Until after youre done with school? Until I realized I have enough? If it's the latter, then I think it's coming real soon. You want to look after me even if it means I dont get to enjoy things with you. Do you see the problem there? You're partially extracting me from your life. We dont even see each other often, yet you're willing to disappear for as long as you like. You quote school, but hey, check it out I also have a life and I am busy as you are. But I always make time for you. Make time to WANT to chat with you. But you dont want to do the same for me. Why? Because you claim you dont. Listen. This are the basics. Im teaching you basics. For us. For you and your future girlfriend/wife. You denying to learn that for me has cut out one straw. Youre running out of straws man. The way Im living my life now... it's as good as being single again. There is no point for me if the relationship makes me feel just as alone as I have been all along.

Labels: can we have a minute of silence to listen, fah says, fucking piece of shit

.

I'm ready to walk away.

But I also only need 1 reason to stay.

That reason is the hope that you'll put your commitment into this. it's the one thing you're missing. it's the one thing I don't believe that I've received from you. I believe you're too lazy to move for me. the truth is, I'm not as important as the brotherhood. this i accept, even though I hurt. you're turning into my parents, worry warts over my decisions that I'm confident in. break me down so hard and then try to feed me with sweetness and hope I take it.

and I always do. then the process repeats.

This time, it's clear that you've taken me for granted. you're aware. I'm aware. this is the third time. you know my life motto ㅡ one dollar three tries.

you think I like waiting on you? you think I have nothing better to do than wait on your sorry ass to move and lead me? you're a man but the way you're leading is through a lot of worries and releases.

I had only asked for a partner to hold my hand and come with me, bring me along.

I'm confident that I've let you bring me along, but you never came with me the same way. I took it. because I wanted to show you how I wanted to be treated too.

you didn't get it. instead you put words in my mouth, caused a huge miscommunication and listened to your friends. about our relationship. about my religion. about things not entirely revolving around them. things that you should have asked me. things that you should have showed me to convince me your commitment to this relationship.

things like the little things... the interpersonal skills you're lacking. because what you've been lacking is reassuring me youre still around, reassuring me that my waiting is worth it. that I'll have you and everything that comes with it.

what I'm seeing and getting right now is just what you're working towards in the future. what about us now? what about our present time? why can I make the time and effort but you can't? to me right now, it's all just excuses. I'm done with this one-sided love.

this hurts the most. everytime I try to make things better, you push me away. then, you tell me to not wait on you and that you don't deserve me. don't you want to prove me wrong? don't you want to make me happy? don't you want us to be happy? don't you want me? don't you love me? don't you want us to defy the critics? you're a walking contradiction but i hate how i forgive you so readily.

what is this relationship for then? I want to fucking build a fucking future with you stop putting me down and disregard my time and effort. of all the other guys, I chose you. I fucking chose you. that's worth so much coming from me dood.

consistent communication. it's the one big blow from the taiwan trip saga. it's also not the first miscommunication between us, but it's the big one. it affected the impression brotherhood has on me. it's affected the way I see you. the way I see us. it's affected the way I feel right now, looking back.

I've always been strong. I've always been full of love. I'm also a lot of bad with the good. so are you. as with many people. and i take it. until i can no longer spare the capacity to withstand. because motto in life is simple ㅡ one dollar three tries. im not after your perfection and credits. I'm after your stability. I haven't been getting any for a while.

you were a trigger to my depression, alongside my mum. this i acknowledge now with an ever-heavy heart.

our values are the same: you need stability in routines and fixtures, i need an anchor/rock to fix me back on the ground from flying too high. admit it, we lost that the moment i got left behind in school and got kicked out.

the way we practice our values are different  ㅡ and it's not just because of our race and religion. I can list them all down, but you and I both don't dwell on the past. yet, you're fixated on the future when i only need your now. why am I the only one pointing out these things to you? because your friends can leave when shit hits the ceiling. I'm planning to stay, but not this way.

the way i am is not wrong, the way you are is not wrong either; we just gotta find the midpoint where we can seamlessly overlap.

and this takes time, energy, dedication and commitment. you've always been doing things to satisfy me. you're just doing enough. it no longer is.

I'm ready to walk away.

But I also only need 1 reason to stay.

p.s. how can you say you spent time the longest time on the phone with YS until 7am when you cant even spare me a minute to ask how's my day and if I've eaten? just because you don't do the trivial little things that I need but can do the unnecessary things with others? so much for putting your girlfriend priority.

p.p.s. I cannot trust your words anymore okay. do not make anymore promises. I'll tell you to shut up. remember that time you promised to accompany me to one of my psych appointments? ye, 'school' got in the way.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, can we have a minute of silence to listen, fucking piece of shit

.

relatives ー adults doing very childish adult things. the level of hypocrisy is always surreal with maternal relatives.

sisterhood ー you finally realized. the hypocrisy that you believe youre a devout believer yet you dont practice what you preach or what youve been preached is just nope. it never matches, what you say and what you do. our efforts are always in vain, and it sucks that youre so irked by the world Hes created yet you look to Him and go to great lengths for Him while forgetting those around you when you could do so much more for Him with us. so stop saying you love us. it hurts.

passion ー it hurts when you think its restrictive when all i think about is you and how i can be better for you and for the both of us. there is no correct answer, no correct method to best yourself, so im starting with my roots and focus on soul and spirit. why would i bother looking fr weekend religious classes with my already tight schedule if not for us? i want to be a better person, and theres only so much i can do right now. my roots as a muslim lady lives and dies with me, but i also dont forget that a lot of things go back to the divine universe. it sucks that my day/night had to end with you totally killing my mood. i've never been so disappointed with you before and now that i have, i wish i was never the eager girlfriend to tell you anything and everything. instead i should just do my own thing and keep to trivial stuff to share with you. it sucks. i wish you were born a muslim. or i wasnt a muslim. eitherway i only wish there wasnt a system to define your belief that only separates people. im too open minded to understand the closed and shallow mind of those who cant.

call me selfish, but it's time i should be.

Labels: anger, fuck la, fucking piece of shit, matters of the heart, rant to feel better

.

is that why im such a failure?

Labels: fucking piece of shit

.

i am so done with english in singapore's uni. cheng is impossible. there is no way a free-spirited, adventurous person like myself or annice can possibly survive her authoritarian way. our ideas dont meet her ideals but she totally just contradicted herself on the idea of fiction. nothing that anyone says can do her wrong because she is always right.

what a terrible mistake i made, to blind and bluff myself that cheng was tolerable and alright. what a dumb, stupid mistake.

Labels: fucking piece of shit

.

whoa today has got to be the worst day in a while already. i really have no mood to face anyone, but ive got class and my word to keep.

im trying t pretty myself up with hopes to gain confidence, but the boyfriend wont be staying in school. my last bit of hope to stay sane today is dashed.

im still unsure if i want to head over to lyana's centre and later join fmc on our weekly impromptu Friday outing to JB to pump petrol.

i want to distract myself from myself. my self-confidence has hit a new all-time low. im in the cab, and im doing mental calculations fr what could possibly go wrong today. anything is possible.

but a good thing isnt likely to happen today.

Labels: failure, fucking piece of shit, keep calm and carry fah

.

when we speak of deep conversations, the topics always involves other worldly beings not contained in the idea of gods and divinity, but also spirit in self, exterior energy and the likes. they are all very intellectual conversations, very deep and meaningful touches. as with the high presence of intellects, you need to match that smarts with attitude and character. unfortunately, because humans are imperfect with very tough blemishes, harmless taps on the idea of self awareness is potential artillery for destruction. it doesnt help that in this world there exists a significant majority of beings that fail to understand the essence of listening in its most basic form. so we have here the story about the dark harbingers. we have the boy and the girl. and then we have a cheerleader and a referee.

so shit comes down and referee was trying to even out the roughs for each side. boy gone at it alone, girl linking arms with her cheerleader. at the end of the day, after the war fades, both sides departed. the referee? becomes the most damaged. the guilt embedded onto the heart of the referee was questionable; guilt of caving in to the selfishness to fight for freedom. the referee was trapped, caught between two different worlds at the brink of colliding and creating an unnecessary black hole of blank space. taking the brunt of the force, the referee allowed for the damage to hit point blank alone. no excess damage, no black holes, plenty of blank spaces. the very epitome of the blank space was the referee.. disregarded, forgotten and isolated. to stay strong, the referee wandered off alone, heart as cold as stone.

the most ironic of outcomes was the black hole of blank space that became the referee. couldnt cry for help, couldnt force to break free, couldnt hide, couldnt survive.

# # #

it's been over a year already. im still affected. but the both of you have moved on, leaving me behind. im upset that you, the boy, has disregarded me. the sincerity has left your eyes. your former questions of "how are you" have long lost its genuine touch. ive become a once-before reserve that no longer serves a purpose — because you want to erase everything and everyone that has connections with persons you wanna erase from your memory, from your life. you are more concerned about everyone else that appears cool, and not the one that took away half her life trying to cool your heart. you should never have been saved. im upset that you, the girl, has left me behind. i deserve some hate, but i definitely dont deserve the blame. i had wanted to be that bestfriend material, but all my actions were weighed out coldly. i was forgiven, but i was never to be trusted again. now i lost trust in you, truly a child still learning to grasp the concept of chameleon in life.

what would any of you know anyway; what it's like to be in the middle of two very depressingly deep, dark souls? you both took so much from me, and yet i still waited, i still chased after your tails as you swiftly turn your other cheek to blind yourselves to me. do you know what it's like? have you ever stopped to think how much fucks i had to sacrifice and cower in pain and fear for myself, to constantly tell myself not to sink and to carry you both up to make sure you survive? that you both dark, depressed souls deserve more light than this! tHIS IS HOW I FEEL. AND I AM DONE LOOKING BACK AND REGRETTING HELPING YOU. I will forgive you for everything, but I will never forget. HOW DARE YOU. HOW. DARE. YOU.

# # #

girl. youve progressed very well. I am very happy for you.
boy. boy...? who are you? i no longer know you.

Labels: #suchafah, for you to read and for me to know, fucking piece of shit, how long have i kept this in, this is why

.

SO IM CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD THAT I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY WHEN THEY TRY TO HELP ME.
DOES THAT MEAN YOU JUST WALK AWAY EVERYTIME I DO?
WHAT IF I TELL YOU THE ONLY WAY TO HELP ME IS TO KEEP COMING BACK AND SIT WITH ME?

WHAT IF THE ONLY THING I EVER ASK FROM ANYBODY IS TO JUST STAY AND SIT WITH ME? HOLD MY HAND?
IS IT THAT DIFFICULT, TO KEEP COMING BACK TO FIND ME AND ASK HOW IVE BEEN BECAUSE IM SO SICK AND IT FEELS LIKE PEOPLE RATHER I JUST DIE THAN BE BOTHERED WITH A STRUGGLING ASS LIKE ME?
AS A HUMAN, A CONSTANT REMINDER IS SOMETIMES WHAT WE NEED. ITS LIKE A ROUTINE OF DOSAGES.

LIKE THE ALARM CLOCK THAT GOES OFF AT 8AM EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. OR THAT STOMACH GRUMBLE TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR HUNGER? ARENT THESE THE SAME THINGS?
THE DIFFERENCE IS, THESE ARE ALL SELFISH NEEDS. WHAT IF THE ONLY THING IM SEEKING OUT IS TO FIND

THAT SELFLESS PERSON TO MATCH MY SELFLESSNESS BY MY SELFISHNESS IN THIS SMALL AMOUNT?

# # #

ITS EASY TO TELL ME TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND TELL ME IM STRESSED. BUT IF YOURE MY FRIEND, AND YOURE CONCERNED ENOUGH TO ASK ME WHATS WRONG, DONT FUCKING LEAVE ME HANGING AFTER I TOLD YOU MY HEARTS WEIGHT. WHY CANT PEOPLE BE NICE AND SWEET LIKE THEY WERE BEFORE. IM COUNTING MY BLESSINGS QUITE LITERALLY AND THE NUMBER OF SELFLESS ACTS TO RETURNED FAVOUR IS ALMOST 100:1. WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THIS NOW? BECAUSE IM BEAT UP FOR PEOPLE WHILE THEY CONTINUE TO ROAM AROUND BEING FREE AFTER DAMAGING ME.. AFTER MAKING ME INVEST IN THEIR LIVES, ABSORBING THEIR BEING AND SPITTING ME RIGHT OUT AGAIN LIKE A CHEWED OUT GUM.

YES, IM LOOKING AT YOU K7.

UNIVERSITY HAS BEEN HARSH. YOURE SICK, BUT PEOPLE DONT CARE BECAUSE YOURE SICK -AGAIN- AND ITS NORMAL BECAUSE "SHE'LL LIVE AGAIN". THE TEAMWORK HERE, THE CONCERNED PARTS, THEIR ALMOST ZERO. UNLESS YOURE IN THE CLIQUE. AND ITS ALSO EASY TO BE SPLIT UP FROM THE CLIQUE. ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN THE REST AND WATCH THEM SHUN YOU OUT WHENEVER YOU POUR EMOTIONS INTO EVERYTHING. K CAN. THE WORK, THE FINAL PRODUCT MATTERS MORE HERE. IT JUST SUCKS. I CANT DO THIS, BUT I TELL MYSELF I MUST. AND IT SUCKS.

# # #

let me breathe. i havent slept in 2 days.


# # #

i dont know why i talked to zaky. if i were to touch my heart and ask, i think its cos i thought he could just listen and hear me out. and give me nice encouragements. i thought he would just listen, like how i listen to his ramblings about sm; how they really dont tally up and its a repeat process. but i listen anyway, because the way its laid out is always different. this way, i can tell whats changed and whats clicked for him before and after. i would know how to help. because i really want to help him.

but now ive just shunned away more friends. first was the avery crew. and then slowly, the quartet. then gradually, shaun left too. well done Fah. all these things you keep saying affect them in one blow. it sucks to know that contradicting people exist. but i took it in. when zaky said never again, i found myself just letting it go. why bother trying to explain? it will only make matters worse. so i leave bonds broken and damaged. whats the use of trying to mends things when it wont be the same? leave it. the pain is always constant. happiness isnt.

maybe im not meant to be happy. so much for being jolly. at the end of the day, im the most depressing motherfucker there is. and they had been right all along.


# # #

at this point of time i really dont want to carry on.

Labels: #fahfordigipen, fucking piece of shit

.