Career, a long-winding post fit for a long-winding road. (Part 1: The Thought Process)
This is the part where research on said brands and companies come in. What do you look for? You look for things that are important to you. I have come to a point in my life where it's not just one specific thing that stands alone. It concerns me what happens to the back end. In my earlier years, the phrase "ignorance is bliss" was such a luxury — for the longest time — that I've lived in such a reckless and careless manner. While it is not something I will ever consider going back to change, I will instead now include an addition of 'tact'. The reason(s) is simple. While this is my life, I will need to be mindful of others as it affects them too — especially the short-term, immediate effect. Where I am in this life now, I need to be mindful of the effects my actions possess that may reflect my parents. Sure, while I honestly dont care about what others think, I care more about the thoughts of my birthgivers. I would like for them to be happy and content with the decisions and paths that I chose.
I know what's happened in the "back end" that's shaped my birthgivers. I am also aware of what's happened in my "back end" so far that has shaped me up till now. These things set the standard and expectation when our images get thrown into the public. These "back end" stuff is not readily put out in the open. It is something that you dig for. Why do you need to dig for these? Because there is always something that needs to be hidden. In shame, in failure, in disappointment, to name a few. For companies, for brands, these "back end" stuff is tied securely to their financial statements. They need the profit, they dont want too much of a loss. Now, on to companies, the corporate businesses that make the world go round.
This pressure that corporations have in keeping themselves afloat trickles down the organisation chart. It is a weird chart when you look at the financial distribution. The foundation of every businesses are seemingly always being paid peanuts. Why this concerns me a great deal is because the ones who sit at the top - and Im generalising here - more often than not pay no attention for those beneath them. This towering organisation chart will then start to lose its weight, its structure. For this, Im specifically targetting the welfare, because in Singapore, this has continued to be a struggle across the fields.
While I kinda get why the working groups that make up the base of this organisation charts are constantly paid peanuts, I also kinda expect it's because there are benefits that come with it that cant be put into the numbers. Hence, like I said, welfare. And welfare covers a vast area. It is medical, dental, fitness, overall mental and physical health, including the office environment we work in. As with hidden costs in sales transactions, there are also hidden expectations in contract agreements that arent always openly discussed.
That is the one thing that I continue to find strange to me. The shushing of discussion of contracts and money matters. But this will be another post all together.
Now. Back to the brand and expectations.
I have been a freelancer for most of my juvenile career. I still am considered a rookie, because I dont have any big brands under my clientele belt. The way corporate works — from the organisational hierarchy to the insensible financial segmentation, among others — dont sit well with me. I know my worth, and it should be proportionate to the salary/money and treatment/consideration Im getting in relation to those in the higher ranks and the jobscope that Im doing (for them). After sometime, not being able (read: allowed) to climb up in ranks, is just ridiculous. This has happened more than twice in companies that are considered among the tops in the public eye in their respective fields, whether in fnb, or oil-n-gas, or (various) consumer products. The standard seen from public eye versus what was really going down behind the scenes and the back end was utter rubbish.
I had thought by extracting myself out of that equation — from part-time status, I converted to a full-time freelancer since 2016 to be exact, (yes when I was still in when I bought myself a business profile — by having the freedom to jump ship when collaborations with companies dont vibe with me, I am able to avoid upsetting myself. Yes, I was happy, I felt my purpose being met — my field was solely in anything of The Arts. I had been creating and educating on the Arts, given free reign to dabble in anything and everything, anytime and everytime I was available. I had ran 3 gigs consecutively before, and it was such an unwise decision although I had been content. But the one thing I had sacrificed was stability. I could be earning a decent 6k, 9k one month, but go months without projects or big profits other months — I was picky and I was difficult when it came to securing gigs. It was because I needed to be sure of what I was being given, and I had to make sure I was covered while I was undertaking those gigs. Some couldnt bend to my requests, but most of them couldnt accept the amount I was asking for. Take note that the difficulty with my requests was more so that I was able to perform the best that I can, for the artworks, or for my students/participants. While this constant push-and-pull was not a problem for me, it was a problem for my birthgivers. They didnt like that I was always so ready to be in survival mode, constantly searching for gigs, constantly calculating my monies, constantly in working mode 247 one way or another.
They did not go through all of their struggles to raise me to be a child of wilderness that's always on edge. An exaggeration, some are my birthgiver's own words, but this had been their mentality, this was what they were seeing. What they did not see, had not seen, were things that had been more important to me, that had given me purpose, my internal dilemma and challenges at the time. Their contempt for my career choice and lifestyle had hindered the way things flowed at home. We were always angry, we were always butting heads, we were always brash with each other. No one was listening, no one was understanding. In their eyes, I had not lived up to their standards of being the eldest child and daughter that they had expected of me.
While I loathed the hierarchy of corporations, I also missed out on the stability they offered. Previously, the pride I had to be successful with my own hands had blinded me to the point of unnecessary struggling. I worked so hard. Too hard, that I wasnt being very smart. Truly, looking back now, there are decisions that I should have taken that would have brought me to a slightly better place than I would have been now. Indeed, I worked hard, but I hadnt worked smart, and that is one of my greatest setbacks — the smart part haha.
I had been beaten and abused all around, by my self and by others. The greatest upset up til this point happened in August 2020 — a period, actually, from April 2020 til August 2020. That changed the way I approached my career. That triggered and force activated my 'smart part'. I'm sick of hustling with my hands alone. I want an easier way to reach my goals. I want an easier way to do things. I want an efficient and practical way to go about my things without having to output 100+% of my energy every single fucking day.
Labels: career, how can, in the future, rant to feel better, well now, why is this ok
2020 epidemic,
I have not shared my projects and other plans with anyone yet because it is difficult to explain, especially to my parents. I just want to do my art in peace, but the covid situation has pushed forward almost all the collaborative projects -- especially the ones overseas the World Puppet Festival in 4 countries. financially, I will not last -- a lot of my teaching gigs have been cancelled or postponed, and some other projects are out of funding at the moment aka postponed or pushed back. but I have yet to lose hope because there's always way.
what I am losing is my sanity again as Tuesday arrives. my parents will go back against their word to leave me alone out of pure concern and mistaken form of love. mistaken, because them suffocating and stressing me in this manner is definitely not what I need. it's not healthy for me.
I am growing anxious (had 2 panic attacks in the past 2 weeks, went to A&E on Friday morning 2AM) and stressed up again for no fucking reason. I dont like it. I am harsh and have lost my tolerance for small/useless talks unless it can value-add the quality of life -- the negativity due to the corona virus, esp w the mother spamming [fake] videos and [fake] news on family whatsapp group every other hour is pushing my limits.
Labels: keep calm and carry fah, please excuse me, rant to feel better, send help
No more. Please. Haven't we hurt enough?
I hope you realise that I'm the one thats always demanding your attention. I'm the one that really makes the time and effort for us. because you, right now, is too hung up on yourself to spare me some of your time.. even in downtime and stressed times.
your downtime doesn't involve me. it doesnt have to. you playing your games that sometimes involve other people and mind your own businesses. thats fine. but dont tell me you can make time. FIND THE TIME FOR ME. ASK ME OUT. ASK ME HOW IM DOING.
tell me you miss me. you love me. that you keep hearing my laughter or my voice somewhere. that there are actually days you ache because your hands are so cold. that you need my smile cos youre almost dead from school.
tell me. and rant to me. because I'm here for bad and good. because I'm prepared to fight.. to fight you and to fight for you. rant to me because I dont have to know everything but understand that there is a problem that sometimes a layman solution works best.
tell me. and tell me off. for things I did wrong. for things I said wrong. for not doing anything. just argue with me. for the sake of communication.
so that I know you're still around. so that I know you actually really care, one way or another. you're a walking irony because you believe the world isnt black and white yet here you are trying to draw a line. why is a confrontation between us always so verily maneuvered? we have to face it. head on. its the only way to break through moving forward.
I'm always chasing after you in every freaking thing. it's not fair. I feel like a freaking almost-abandoned pet. you not 'imposing' on me is the same as you dont care what happens. its like you wont even fight for me.
no. tell me. say no. ask why. argue, debate with me. this relationship... I dont know how long I can last. because Im pretty sure if I walk away, youre not gonna chase me.
and thats the worst heartbreak you can give me.
your connection with me, is mtg. because you're involved with mtg, its the one immediate thing. and my connection with you, is you. I have no answer for it but youre so fucking practical I refuse to match a reason.
I deserve to be happy, man. the way you are ㅡ you cant change, right? people cant change ㅡ it's only bringing me down. I'm constantly worrying about you, fussing over you, asking about you and spamming you, and its such a tiresome routine.
I have more important things to do, and if you cant include me like I've always done for you, after 2 fucking years, I'm run away from you.
my love is always more. but i can only share with you so much. until I feel you no longer deserve me.
you're not concerned about my friends, my family, whats going on with me because they DONT INVOLVE YOU. then, well, neither do i right? I mean, actually, you want to involve yourself in a relationship with me. but you wanna stay away. so why did I bother myself with your brotherhood?
why the fuck am I still around?
you be busy. I get it. then tell me when I'll be facing downtime. tell me not because I want you to fucking impose, but tell me so that I fucking know. that I won't be hung up on you giving me cold shoulder treatment and answers. because hey, you kinda do that on a daily basis but notice how i can tell the difference?
Labels: rant to feel better
unbelievably down under the weather
i am unwell. yet, i am well aware this is my body responding to something a medical trip to a doctor or specialist cannot fix. i might be talking about my spirit, and my aura reservoir...
which i think is being used up very fast as of late.
my constant episodes of falling ill has perplexed many. i can fall sick fr a varying period of time, ranging from a few days to months. i dont expect people to know nor understand this struggle of mine. it's something personal, deeply rooted in my belief that is arched towards religion and spiritual balance, two very different things that share a lot in common.
it's similar to this age where religion and culture is intertwined, mistaken to be one and the same. if you are able to distinguish between the two, you'll understand that religion is an individual thing, while culture applies to all, if not a bigger group of people besides yourself.
the difference with my struggle is that it's all me. religion is my heart, spirit is my mind.. and theyre deeply settled at the center of my very being.
today had been very exhausting. i didnt realize that my channels were dry, and it affected my aura/energy throughout the day. my body wasnt feeling it, my shortness of breath reappeared, i felt so chapped and weak. i was sweating buckets even though it's just walking over to the bustop a stone's throw away. elsewhere, in an air-conditioned room, i was so cold despite wearing a jacket that my shivering turned violent enough to make me stop working; my straight lines were too squiggly to be deemed straight.
maybe it's cos im too accustomed to working with the conditions of my room to be anywhere else.
but it didnt feel good. the core of my body was so tense from the extreme temperatures that it felt like a boulder where my stomach and abdomen should be. now that ramadhan's over, my tummy needs intensive care. i finally see the light in my bank account, and part-time jobs are finally responding with the completion of my art page. its crazy, the two or so reception just from that.. what little you think of yourself and your work can actually do so much for you. all it needs is a little leap of faith and courage from yourself. myself.
i think i can pick up the pace fr my self-care now.
hopefully, once i reboot my yoga practice, my health will pick up once more, and all these things im fretting over should cease to exist.
p.s. the hot xiaolongbaos have singed my tongue. it stings even after 12hours. T_T
Labels: #suchafah, many a sigh, rant to feel better, what are we to do with this situation
disappointment with hypocrisy
relatives ー adults doing very childish adult things. the level of hypocrisy is always surreal with maternal relatives.
sisterhood ー you finally realized. the hypocrisy that you believe youre a devout believer yet you dont practice what you preach or what youve been preached is just nope. it never matches, what you say and what you do. our efforts are always in vain, and it sucks that youre so irked by the world Hes created yet you look to Him and go to great lengths for Him while forgetting those around you when you could do so much more for Him with us. so stop saying you love us. it hurts.
passion ー it hurts when you think its restrictive when all i think about is you and how i can be better for you and for the both of us. there is no correct answer, no correct method to best yourself, so im starting with my roots and focus on soul and spirit. why would i bother looking fr weekend religious classes with my already tight schedule if not for us? i want to be a better person, and theres only so much i can do right now. my roots as a muslim lady lives and dies with me, but i also dont forget that a lot of things go back to the divine universe. it sucks that my day/night had to end with you totally killing my mood. i've never been so disappointed with you before and now that i have, i wish i was never the eager girlfriend to tell you anything and everything. instead i should just do my own thing and keep to trivial stuff to share with you. it sucks. i wish you were born a muslim. or i wasnt a muslim. eitherway i only wish there wasnt a system to define your belief that only separates people. im too open minded to understand the closed and shallow mind of those who cant.
call me selfish, but it's time i should be.
Labels: anger, fuck la, fucking piece of shit, matters of the heart, rant to feel better
days like this i wish i never existed.
//
thank god fr Sereneth.
//
note to self and everyone else:
if youve found what you need, then focus on it -- be it a relationship, a job, any school assignment, anything.
release all the negatives around and within you. nobody deserves toxic people who aren't supportive of your happiness, especially if it's family. you cant change what's already been given to you, so change how you see what's gonna be in your future. keep grinding and be the better person in silence. stay humble, stay strong, stay happy. xoxo -FAH
Labels: rant to feel better
doesnt make sense
you know what doesnt make sense, ma?
when you demand respect but you dont even troubleshoot the problem of a disrespected eldest child in your household. you let the rift between sis and i carry on for years now because youre more afraid of her than you ever will be with me. because you know i'll listen, and she wont.
so this is the problem that triggered everything. and you know what, i wont give two shits about this. i feel like being nice is actually not a nice thing in this house. i dont feel respected, appreciated, and i feel like i dont matter as an individual except as a burden or a pawn in each of yall respective affairs. im not heard, but because i know my worth and what its like to not exist despite being alive,
i'll give yall whatchu need.
Labels: family, rant to feel better
when I tell you
there is no need for things to be so loud.
the art of living graceful, peaceful lives can only be appreciated by so many.
you talk about religion, but you dont even listen when religion's teachings is to listen.
I dont want to fight and argue with you eveytime theres a disagreement. why cant we just move along.
why are you so insistent about respect? do you even know the proper way our religion's respect in both giving and receiving?
I'll keep praying for you so that you may receive all the berkahs and blessings as a mother would receive for birthing troubled souls.
Labels: family, rant to feel better
FMC my ass
youre broke but you previously asked to go to JB or Batam. i know you have loans to settle but money can always find.
basically, if you want it, you'll definitely find means to get it.
im tired of always being put second or last by my own girls. i feel like im the only one thats struggling to stay apiece in FMC. i have never complained of playing support to any of you. but the treatment i get from my own girls, self-proclaim always-be-there-for-you notions...
im still bitter about ly's instagram tag of FMC at full force to send fnad to her middleeast trip middle of last year without me. i just feel that it kinda shows how 'important' i am in my own clique.
i cherish FMC so much but it's so broken. amni disappears. syaf and fnad are restricted. syai's too popular a sergeant to find time, aji and kam, and ly, care too much about BCube, ly is full of herself.
ive been there fr them.. i'll always be there for them. but im tired of constantly trying to fit into a circle thats never there anymore.
im petty and stupid and sensitive over small things because i never got it from FMC. never got the VIP treatment the way we'd do fr the other girls. when i point things out, they'd briefly talk behind my back.. because ly seems to have a definite hold of FMC and no one can defy her. so they'll let her talk about her work, about her life, her problems, her BCube (excuse you, you had been such an anti-BCube advocate but theyre your favourite bunch now, eh?) and i cant even talk about my issues? no one seems to care about my problems, so i shut up. about school, about anything.
this is pent-up rage and disappointment im spewing so early in the morning just after i wake up i hate how FMC makes me feel now
/to be continued
Labels: fmc.ladies, rant to feel better