I just cant seemingly bring myself to hate you.
I totally understood where youre coming from.. what I was up against.

So then why do I still feel like shit.
Why do I still look to you.. look for you.

You were extremely mean.
All those excuses... that I never thought would come from you.
Yet I still dont mind.
Yet I still understood the reasons.
Yet I still pardoned you.

Why.

What is it that you have that the others never stood a chance?

Please dont forget me.
Please, dont forget me.

I am begging you.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, it's not fair, why you do this to me

.

its not fair. I still constantly think about you.
It's been more than a month.
You appear in my dreams, turning then into nightmares goddammit.

My fears came true.
You wont chase after me.
You didnt.

Assignments and careers are more important to you.

I miss you so bad. Im desperate for someone to take over your place.
To replace you, so that I will no longer ache.

It's funny. You werent always present,
but I still yearn and believe in the idea of you.

How to make it stop?
Make me hate you, why dont you.

Even then, I will most probably still give you chances. Excuses.

Help me.
Rewind time, so there will never be a trace of you on in my eyes.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, it's not fair, why you do this to me

.

I told my mother. she said it's a waste you turned out to be so indecisive causing me so much hurt, but she doesnt want us to stop being friends. She says you're my right person, and I agree too, but it's not the right time. and youre not of the same mentality/page as I am, frankly speaking. while its mean to tell me that she predicted it, she said she definitely didnt expect us to last so long. I told her its not really 2 years worth of relationship.

We didnt do much together? my number 1 regret was having accepted you in the first place. I thought I could change you. I thought I could help you. But you were so adamant about not needing to change. I end up hurting myself a lot more than necessary.
But to that end, I can live with the fact that I did give my all into our relationship, although it's not the best that i could have given.

I will continue my drive with you as a friend, but I will definitely drop you from my priority. You've hurt me enough, and I would love for us to remain together as friends but be clear that I will be more adamant against you for my own sake.

I have loved you, I still do, but you never reciprocated them to me. Especially in words to reassure me. I've done all the reassuring for you, yet you still failed me. failed our relationship. You're too stuck with the malleable future that you refused to live in the current moment. with me. You fear about/for others so much that you've abandoned me. You treat me like just another friend, not like anyone special, so please carry on doing the same. your affections arent significant either, so please carry on.

the only reason why you feel like everything you do upsets me is because its all in your head. if you can think clearly, you can see that Ive been on my own for the longest time. ALL I NEEDED WAS YOUR TIME. I NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING ELSE. but you could do so many things with the rest, yet you couldnt even a bit of the same for me.

your reasons dont make sense for me. all of your thoughts. its all you. I tried to remind you time and time again to share your burden, that im not a fucking pet. I am your partner. I never needed you hand to lead me. I needed you to hold my hand with reassurance, with all the love you can give, and walk with me through every obstacle.

You fear. so much. that you projected your fears onto me. when I gain strength, you cut me down and insist on errors. play the roundabout game, repeating things youve told me many times before. Dont use the mental health trip on me. You werent there for me. when I went to the hospital, you didnt come down for me. when I had the panic attack (because of my guilt for you) you didnt stay with me/send me home.

you're so incapable with the little things. I knew that. I excused you. I let you pass with the only consolation that I needed your time. i cut down my texts to you, I cut down my visits to you, I left you alone for your sake.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED ME TO DO

youre better off being my precious friend than a partner. even till the end, you never uttered the word "love". so please leave and let me recover from you. I never stood a chance against your fears and your indecisive nature in truth. so stay as a friend. I might hate you for a bit, but I believe you deserve that much from me from having failed to love me to your best ability. Dont give me that shit that you couldnt — if I had been a priority for you, then you would have made time for me. the problem isnt me. it isnt you either, but your system that you refused to change. I never asked for much, and Im still sure...

Im the best you will ever get. You didnt fail me, dear. you failed yourself.

Be well.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, cos truth hurts, fucking piece of shit, stop hurting me, why you do this to me

.

then stupid is me.

Labels: why you do this to me

.

Am I expecting too much from others?

Friends? Partner? Family?

Is it that... difficult?



# # # # #

I dont understand people who brace themselves should I confront or speak out.

What is wrong with you people?

Labels: I dont understand, is it me, why you do this to me

.

If I were to walk away from you, you wont chase after me, right?

Because you dont want to impose on me, right?

Because you dont want to give opinions on something you're not involved with, right?

Because everytime there's a problem between me and others — like family, like friends, like you — I blame myself. It has nothing to do with you.

So you wont chase me, right?

You wont run after me thinking that you can definitely make me happ(ier), right?

Because you dont understand and you'll leave it, since I "know better".

What can I do to get you to just talk to me, through arguments, through discussions, through imposing debates and, well, to just talk?

Because Im your partner. I want to know everything about you. Because you're different from me. So let me experience that difference.

But you dont seem to take interest in my things. Because youve "got enough on your plate".

Do you not think that I am the same too? That I force many things on myself for a reason. For reasons.

Of all your flattery of me being strong and dependable, the irony is you dont depend on me. I dont get that.

What fear do you have that involves me?

Why do you get to decide what to do with yourself when you're with me/when I'm involved but I dont have a say?

I never thought of the idea of imposing, you for me and vice versa.

I only want to share. Everything. With you.

I know you're not romantic, but I deserve some romanticism too.

I may be a strong person, but Im still a girl.

Im still a woman.

I have needs. I am sensitive because I am a woman.

Sensitive does not equate to weakness.

It just means I have more heart to give.

But you, falling for me because of it, are not allowing that to flow normally with us.

And in that sense, you are imposing your ways on me.

And Im fighting so hard because I hate it.

But I can curate my words well against you.

So I end up keeping quiet and let you have your way instead.

Sounds the same isnt it?

I bet you do feel certain things similarly with me too.

And I get it.

I hurt the most because you seem so busy with everything else...

But 'everything else' doesnt seem to involve me.

When my friends text me to say theyre taking a break and want to talk to me, or when they are bored so they talk to me,

I think to myself, why cant you?

Why cant you spend your lull with me? Why cant you spend your lull on me?

And dont tell me you dont have such thing as a lull.

Im just not high on your priority, it seems.

Since I need to spoonfeed you information on me.

Since you cant appreciate surprise events for me.

Since you wont associate with things that involves me but doesnt involve you.

Sure, go ahead and think that I'm exaggerating and escalating all these things beyond reason.

It will only prove how selfish you are to the point where you would put aside your partner.

Because these things that are trivial to you are important to me.

I am negotiable but you wont talk to me because of your stupid no imposing ideals.

I dont care how you flatter me, but if you cant even reciprocate every time I say I love you, it's difficult for me.

It takes a lot of courage for me to utter those precious words. Every single time I do.

But you dont appreciate it.

Oh, sorry, you do?

But you dont show it?

Why wont you?

Because it's not necessary?

Really?

Then well, I guess this relationship isnt as important as I think it is to you too.

What? You cant take care of me if you cant even take care of yourself?

Look. Im not asking you to take care of me.

I can take care of myself well enough. I need you to walk with me.

Remember that? I need you to hold my hand and walk with me.

I dont need you to lead the way.

Because the only thing you should be leading is in my afterlife, and that involves religion.

Listen. Im not mad. Im not upset. I'm past all that.

You taught me to think practically. So here I am.

These are my emotionally practical rants.

These are my essentials.

I've asked you to always be there on whatsapp.

You have.

I've asked you to be supportive and hang on while Im fighting my demons.

You have.

There's nothing else I can ask of you except to live true to my request of walking this path with me.

Because if you wont talk to me, I will.

And if it tires you out, Im ready for the consequence.

Because understand it's not my fault.

It's not yours to bear either because if thats you, then do you.

Change is only true when it matters to you,

when it is for the better in your future.

So that is why, should I walk away from you in the future,

please know that it took a lot of heart from me,

that it really tore at me from all ends.

It is easier to let go, than it is to hang on.

It is easier to be alone, than be together.

It is easier to keep silent, than to express yourself.

Because it's easier to die than it is to live.

It easier to love myself, than it is to love you.

I am as ready as you are.

We are two sides of the same coin,

but the sides are different.

Do you get the drift?

I dont want our watch to end.

Just because.

Labels: for you to read and for me to know, it's like you're asking for a beating, pang the popiah, pretty please, this aint pretty, why you do this to me

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As of late, I have noticed Im frequently getting upset with Pang because of certain things that he do and say — Im sure it's because of me, the way I behave or my speech or something. To be fair, I dont blame his reactions to me — the glaring, the clipped answers, the sideeyes, even the half-ass hand-holding at times. I wont give him flak for that, but I am blaming his mentality and routine of keeping things to himself.

He doesnt share his stories with me the way he does with Brotherhood and the boys. I know Im not like the boys, duh, but Im technically a tomboy. You being judgmental and racist and whatever prejudiced It's just how bad I can take it, and I dont know if I can because HE NEVER TELLS ME STORIES FROM HIS BRAIN. How am I supposed to know whats going on if he doesnt tell me. His mind functions at least twice the speed faster than my mind, if not more. His clipped and brief responses has only caused me to be even more quiet. I dont want to be the one talking, I want him to talk too. But if he doesnt want to talk, yet he doesnt seem to respond nor appreciate me talking, then I'll keep quiet. I'll answer his questions instead.

I can do things auto, but in order to reach the state of autopilot I need to have enough information before I can pilot on auto, no? T_T



And then he tells me he doesnt have enough time. For food. For rest. For games. For me. Really? But how come he can manage to, like, play 3 games of Magic and going over to Punggol to get his game the past few days? I mean, sure, it's only the first week of school. But to me, he makes his workload predicament such a chore and ass that Im not allowed to touch him. Even replying to me is a chore. If he really did have to press for time, I dont mind him playing his games but cant 1 round of game be enough? or keep to an hour max at most? And getting his stuff from Punggol, cant he ask me to do it instead? He can pass and tell me what to look out for and collect on his behalf than going all the way down himself. Punggol isnt your back-door neighbour okay: it's the literal other end of west side. Protocol put upon yourself is protocol — getting shit done yourself cos you do it best, I get it — but if hes willing to compromise our quality time with that pathetic "No Time" excuse yet do all these kind of stupid shit, then I think it's only fair I flip the table on him...

Like how it's so obvious that the lecturer said he'd pay Pang for his time to 'TA' Wednesday's Figure Drawing class because hes bribing him, but omg there are other people that can do his job??!??!!! Sure, D's spoken to CalTan and MTan but thats just jackshit. D knows Pang's standard, and the amount of time required but he still wants to shag down dP's batch of 2015 top student with this needless Ta-ing. Last semester, pantatkicks and his circle did just fine hosting the figure drawing classes. I dont see why Pang has to do it again. Renqi never had to go through all that bull... probably because sensei and Pang were around. So it doesnt make sense why Pang has to or wants to do this TA shit. It's not for money, definitely not. Loyalty? To who?! Favours? Mind you, the favour he has to reconsider for is me.

At the rate this is going, I literally have to distance myself physically and mentally, even stretching out the possibility of psycho-ing myself into thinking that Pang's figuratively still in US... because at this rate

my partner is going to be so distant from me that I cant reach him. And he wont let me in to whatever's going on in his schedule — cant even update his calendar properly even he bothered — or whatever's going on in his head — his story previously wasnt working out and he didnt update me and swirled into his own distress alone — so it's ever the worst for me. Pang wont approach me for help and because he doesnt want to think that he's 'disturbing' me even when I dont fucking mind. I know I suck in comparison to Pang's quality and standard of things, so ask me for help for things that I can help. Like story!?!!!??!!

The only way for us to work this through, to be really fucking honest, is for me to wait and steel it out.



Im fucking sad right now goddamnit.

Labels: how do we deal with this, pang the popiah, what are we to do with this situation, whats next, why am I not at ease, why you do this to me

.

.

zakk and i talked about michael fassbender.
how hes such a terrific actor. the looks, the body.

but i no longer understand the definition of the 'ideal/perfect' looks and body.
im pure spirit animal; see through auras and personalities. apperances cant hold my interest.
(unless youre Pang hahaha)

and zakk's fetish with butts is a pain.
i feel evs' exasperation HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
but my baby refuses to do anything about it because he claims his appreciation of my butt and body has no errors.

oh, may the stars align and help me.

Labels: cutie zakiah, dear friend, helphelphelps, pang the popiah, why you do this to me

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for Mum and Dad: what is your expectation of a first child? what do you want from me?

for younger sister: have you still not forgiven me? do you not miss an older sister? how will we take care of the family, since youre more reliable (and depended on) than me?

for younger brother: what is your dream? how will you get to it? why is school such a burden to you? is your heart dead? how are you gonna help yourself if family is not in your life's picture?

for the family: am i replaceable? will i be forgotten? what do I do so that I can be a better first child/eldest sibling?


# # # # #

my predicament of almost getting kicked out of school
has flipped the situation at home:
mum seems happy, dad is visibly upset.


and now that school has given me the green light to carry on with school
(though I still bear reservations with this until tmr):
mum is fairly okay, dad is even more upset.


he even spoke to me with such harsh, cold tone. I dont understand. the only reason i can try to link this with is financial matter. but I never took your money with the school fees — Mendaki is covering for me. and I have less than 2 years to finish school. why then are you so bitter? i dont get it.

Labels: family, how long have i kept this in, why you do this to me

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goosebumps when I look into your eyes.

butterflies when you kiss me.

fluffies when you say you love me.

love t give you.

today's another good day.

/to be continued.../

Labels: i miss you, my love for you (:, pang the popiah, thank you, why you do this to me

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it happened. i dreamt of you.

you placed me outside of the class.

and walked away with tiny.





i dont know what terrifies me more.

the fact that i know you can easily lift me around

or the fact that you can take me places that i dont want to.





i need to focus on my assignments now, and you yours. i hope to not see you for the next few days.

i hope i can stop myself from talking to you; because already ive gone and let you know through text this horrible dream

and that
you terrified me.

Labels: all my feels, bloshitup, this fear, why you do this to me

.

im scared of you.

now.









































im scared of you now

that if i approach you after today, are you going to make me feel again?

i fear sleep tonight because it's definitely coming up into my nightmare.



i dont want to be afraid of you

but i am terrified.

of you.

right now.

Labels: boys, how now brown cow, this fear, very dangerous, why you do this to me

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he carried me today.

he lifted me up. easily. effortlessly.

from the floor.

10 steps past the table at the back.

i am still shaken.

shaken. these emotions... so many emotions.

the one that strike the fastest, however, wasnt awe.

wasnt happiness.

wasnt love. definitely wasnt love, unfortunately.

it was fear.
because i went back home and washed myself squeaky clean. then i looked myself in the mirror.

naked.

this is something no one can appreciate.

until i find that one person who does,
i have sworn to myself never to regard my boys as a sort of romance option.
ever again.
to keep the rejection calls and the brozone coming.
because

it just isnt possible.



as a female who lives her life as if she is the eldest son in the family, the personality trait in this package is reminiscent of Dean Winchester. Goofy, serious hunter. laid-back is my middle name. boys and men cling to me on all sides. not because i want them to, but because i just do. my character is naked, and i am transparent. it's easy being around me, this much i know now. which is why now i go find my own boys to hang around. to keep close. because i dont want to hurt myself like i have done so since i was born lolol i am weak to those who'd called me "friends".
not anymore. i decide who my friends are; because a worthy friendship is usually because they are worth being called my brothers...
and sisters... the girls around me are far from your little miss petty dumblondes. my ladies have classy fierceness that every respectable lady should. they are not cheap, but they are weakened by life. i try to keep these fragile ladies, some gentlemen too, close to me as much as i can. even though i can no longer accommodate to every single emotional drain as much as i had been able to a good years back, i have my fair share of heart left to give.



and the majority that i believe to be good solid 9% left of my heart...

i can no longer spare for daydreaming, hopeful, wishful thinking romance.

because as much as i thought i had loved sheeeeep, i cannot.

as much as i had loved qiqi, vegeman, perkass,
or whoever else that cannot seem to pop up into my head right now despite the constant nagging every other day,

i cannot. just no.

i cannot put my heart out there anymore

in hopes to love

because ive sworn to myself never to regard my boys as a sort of romance option.

ive sworn never to let love blind me from loving myself first.

and until i love the person in the mirror

with all the beautiful scars and darkened eczema spots,

i cannot love again.



i cannot acknowledge the pounding of my heart thats about to explode within my chest
i cannot melt at his lifting me off my feet when the first time already broke me on so many levels
i cannot allow myself to take a whiff of his hair or his jackets and tshirts
that i must immediately plead guilty in the showers and scrub myself bloody b l o o d y clean
because i cannot let myself be weak and fall for the n-th time over the same few people,
the same 5 people at this moment i remember,
because the current ideals cannot be forced into one soul
these 5 men currently were able to keep me steady as their individual selves

and thats enough.



so lift me,

catch me off-guard,

but never look into my eyes and stare inside myself

long enough for you to catch a glimpse of my flush that gives away the call

of wanting to touch your face, to hold your hands,

to feel you,

just leave it at that because i cannot go on further.










































why did you lift me, sheeeeep?

why did you carry me like i was a child?

why did you say i was lighter than you had expected?

why did you make me feel?

why did you let me love?

Labels: all my feels, how long have i kept this in, my precious, share the blooming love, these boys, what are we to do with this situation, why you do this to me

.

please dont think that im constantly just spewing money talk senselessly. it takes me forever to let you know of my money issues because i think about you and mum. all the time.
im already 23 now, going 24, yet im still asking for your financial support when im supposed to be the one supporting you at 53. youre not young anymore, pa. i know this. and i feel really bad that i have to constantly rely on you to put food on the table. please understand its been very hard for me to make decisions now because im the oldest and i have to shoulder the family after you. it pains me to see you working even now. whats worse, youre working far away, away from home. when we talk, it's always about serious stuff. i know how to tell apart your different laughters, and i dont like hearing you laugh while you cry.

you laugh when youre sorry and guilty. dont be. please. i dont want to burden you anymore. please trust that spending all these money for me is investment in our family.

im sorry for causing you so much pain. im sorry for being the dumb, stupid, violent, selfish daughter and firstborn. im sorry im a girl. im sorry i cant be of more help to you at the moment. im sorry im not reliable like how farah is. im sorry that for every effort, im mistaken as a bad girl. im sorry for not being trustworthy enough, for not being strong enough, to handle on my own.

to be honest, i dont know how to prove to you. i dont know how to tell you that everything will be okay. its exactly that im 23 that both you and ma are worried sick, constantly pondering about our future — your kids. im 23, but im new at being 23. you dont want me to make mistakes, but what mistakes have you done? education is subjective, because the highest ranked people arent necessarily the best of people. you both have taught and given me the best morals i've stood for. they are my foundation. this is who i am, but with that said, you get worried because my foundation sees me going against the norm.

im always struggling, im always falling behind, because im constantly challenging the constraints of the shallow people that rule majority of the society. im made to fall behind from them. i dont give up but it gets harder every day. the fight is not necessary anymore. whats important is my soul. so with decisions there comes consequences. some things are meant to be sacrificed,

but does that mean i have to sacrifice my parents for this? must i be the reason dad is working overseas constantly, trying to feed my needs that stems from school? ive worked hard all my life, i know ive done enough independent things - from working full-time, to saving, to leaving for overseas, all on my own. ive had my fair share of struggles because i didnt want to burden you. these are the things i dont see happening with my siblings. i dont know why, but i take it upon myself because im the eldest. so why do i still have to go through, to experience pains when i tell you of my financial needs right now? why do i put myself through this, bowing at your feet as i apologize for needing your financial support, for needing you to bend your back and risk your life to provide for me accordingly?

because i want you to trust me. i want you to know that this isnt something for you to worry about. these are now my issues. i dont have to get you to sign my indemnity forms any longer. i must learn to settle things on my own. i will make it happen and i will help you eventually. i dont want to be the reason you feel guilty anymore, papa, mama. i dont want you to be burdened by this.

so please dont mistake my animosity for being spiteful to the family. i dont want to be affected by all these emotions that im feeling as im typing these out. i dont want these tears to blur my focus as i continue fighting for good grades for you, to reach standards for myself. but please, also learn how to let me be part of the family. because at the rate im doing, at the rate im going, i no longer feel like im part of the family. i dont feel like i belong anywhere. nobody asks me how im doing, nobody listens to me when i try to answer their "how are you, what have you been up to"

because im just another art-dreamy-kid that will no doubt fail again. your faces give it away, and your ignorance, your intolerance affects me. more than you will ever know.

im sad. im disappointed. im really, really apologetic. my life is a struggle, and i still dont have anyone fighting with me, for me. its unfortunate, but not even my parents are willing to defend me against a younger sister that isnt necessarily doing well in her science degree in NTU.

pray for me. that i dont give up on life the third time.
i no longer wish to explain myself to people who dont listen — be it youre of flesh and blood, or ties from life's journey(s).

Labels: #fahfordigipen, #suchafah, but it goes on for long, family, pain is only temporary, stop hurting me, this is why, why am I not at ease, why you do this to me

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재욱아. 너무 보고싶어요. 또 만날 보자! 잘자요, 내 동생이! ♥
Jerry ah. I miss you very much. Let's meet again soon. Good night, my brother! ♥


I dont care that I may sound as if you just died but you gots to know I miss you everyday even before you left so now that you legit left, this missing thing is gonna hurt real bad cos there's no more "aww I can see him soon this week".. y'feel?

I only wish for the best for you. Youre still so full of passion and dreams. I pray that youll find your happiness and stability somewhere, some place, where the world can be the kind of teacher that can tell you to not give up and press on even when the tough gets going. You may no longer be in Digipen, back in Penang and later Korea, but know that at every stairwell I rush through for class, for ever period that I stand near the trash bin, when every flip flop slap I hear coming from behind me, I see you. I hear you, cackling and laughing at me. I see your stupid face, I smell your fluffy jacket. All of you.. I still see you.

Our promise to go wreck chaos in Seattle is still pending. You better come back to SG and visit me, or come over to Seattle and keep your promise with me. Everytime we were meant to meet, you'll leave me hanging. Jesuz, and to think I waited on you. Stupid motherfucker. Maybe it's a good thing you left Digipen, so I wont have to keep looking over my back or around the corner to contain my excitement at having to see you but do a double take cos youre struggling just keeping up with the Dipipeoples. Argh, fuck you.

Love you long time b. Dont forget me.
I WILL HAUNT YOU ON FACEBOOK YOU WAIT.
I'LL PROVE TO YOU EVEN A FAILURE LIKE ME
CAN PRESS ON THROUGH THE TOUGH CAKE THAT IS DIGIPEN,
YOU'LL SEE. /inserts jesus' face/

IM ALMOST THERE. ARE YOU? Im sure youll be a fine DJ, or a rapper, or all the magical things you wanna be. You just gotta really put your mind to it. Stop looking for people when youve found a legit circle you can count on in Digipen. The world's gonna be quite harsh on you, Im afraid, so be strong boy. I'll always be here for you, no matter how stupiak you can actually be. Love you long time, Jerry, love you long time. ♥

Labels: i miss you, it's like you're asking for a beating, matters of the heart, pretty please, reminder remember, throw you upside down inside out, why you do this to me, words of love (:, you piece of shit

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