Monday, October 23, 2017, 2:45 pm Β·
1325
1325
The clouds continued pouring out the rain in the morning when I tired out last night. My eyes hurt — they didnt feel like the should be opened. My pillow and bolster aligned by the side of my bed, cushioning me against the wall for when I unconsciously size it up in my sleep. Sleep fighting, I believe. My chest ached, possibly from what conjured in my head last night — mind vs heart, only problem was the mind didnt solely belong to me anymore.
Every thing is done pretty hesitantly right now. The current state of things is at a point where it's as if Im being reconditioned again — this time, to stop talking and stop offending people with my very existence. (Credits to the family during the trip to JB last week for this notion of reconditioning.) Writing the post from last night was exhausting. I had to double back on the choice of words and color structure so many times just to make sure I didnt sound like an asshole but it reached a point where I honestly couldnt be fucked anymore because I felt it.
I felt it, barely holding on to consciousness.
The last things I remembered before succumbing to slumber were two things: Keola's overdued hug and Pang's hands. Mm.
# # # # #
I've been on the computer from noon. Played so many videos on Youtube from P!nk's interview videos, Marina and the Diamonds music videos and Cry's game streams, to catching up on my favourite bands' comebacks like Epik High and Nell plus more pure music. I feel a slight mania happening right now as I browse through more websites and landed on Kawacy and WLOP's tumblr sites. There's a little scuffle happening in my head, and it all began with my very bright idea of giving a name to my depression in hopes of countering the downtimes into a more productive... sessions, if I may — so I want to own it, a very random, impulsive need that has to be addressed. I have already built up a plethora of names/brands/personas for myself, fortunately or not. So the list goes: dot.blank, fahfahaway, croptheclock, fahfck, applehaireverywhere. Of course, some are more active than others. It's only a matter of preferences, really. Fahfahaway is a more formal address for my freelance stint up till now. I might need a change; revamp the brand I had built up in my head. It's honestly a jumble so I need to consolidate and reconsider my options.
I know what I want to do. It's just a matter of getting it done. The December deadline that I've set up for myself has seen progress similar to the length of my patience with my family — zero-ing in, negatively. At the moment, I've two pretty solid brands, Fahfahaway and Applehaireverywhere. These two should suffice, so now I only need to get my art done so that I have things to show and put up for my website for the world to see. I've always been quick to feel sorry for myself, for others. I should just do things first and put the apologies in the backseat for the time being.
Rant and thoughts out loud, done.
Every thing is done pretty hesitantly right now. The current state of things is at a point where it's as if Im being reconditioned again — this time, to stop talking and stop offending people with my very existence. (Credits to the family during the trip to JB last week for this notion of reconditioning.) Writing the post from last night was exhausting. I had to double back on the choice of words and color structure so many times just to make sure I didnt sound like an asshole but it reached a point where I honestly couldnt be fucked anymore because I felt it.
I felt it, barely holding on to consciousness.
The last things I remembered before succumbing to slumber were two things: Keola's overdued hug and Pang's hands. Mm.
# # # # #
I've been on the computer from noon. Played so many videos on Youtube from P!nk's interview videos, Marina and the Diamonds music videos and Cry's game streams, to catching up on my favourite bands' comebacks like Epik High and Nell plus more pure music. I feel a slight mania happening right now as I browse through more websites and landed on Kawacy and WLOP's tumblr sites. There's a little scuffle happening in my head, and it all began with my very bright idea of giving a name to my depression in hopes of countering the downtimes into a more productive... sessions, if I may — so I want to own it, a very random, impulsive need that has to be addressed. I have already built up a plethora of names/brands/personas for myself, fortunately or not. So the list goes: dot.blank, fahfahaway, croptheclock, fahfck, applehaireverywhere. Of course, some are more active than others. It's only a matter of preferences, really. Fahfahaway is a more formal address for my freelance stint up till now. I might need a change; revamp the brand I had built up in my head. It's honestly a jumble so I need to consolidate and reconsider my options.
I know what I want to do. It's just a matter of getting it done. The December deadline that I've set up for myself has seen progress similar to the length of my patience with my family — zero-ing in, negatively. At the moment, I've two pretty solid brands, Fahfahaway and Applehaireverywhere. These two should suffice, so now I only need to get my art done so that I have things to show and put up for my website for the world to see. I've always been quick to feel sorry for myself, for others. I should just do things first and put the apologies in the backseat for the time being.
Rant and thoughts out loud, done.
.
Monday, July 31, 2017, 9:44 pm Β·
i might be relapsing
i might be relapsing
i hope not. but as with every habit loop, im gonna let me sink under so far beyond the touch of sunlight at the moment and let my heart do the magic.
Labels: oh dear, throw you upside down inside out
.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015, 2:40 am Β·
μ¬μ±μ
μ¬μ±μ
Jerry ah. I miss you very much. Let's meet again soon. Good night, my brother! ♥
I dont care that I may sound as if you just died but you gots to know I miss you everyday even before you left so now that you legit left, this missing thing is gonna hurt real bad cos there's no more "aww I can see him soon this week".. y'feel?
I only wish for the best for you. Youre still so full of passion and dreams. I pray that youll find your happiness and stability somewhere, some place, where the world can be the kind of teacher that can tell you to not give up and press on even when the tough gets going. You may no longer be in Digipen, back in Penang and later Korea, but know that at every stairwell I rush through for class, for ever period that I stand near the trash bin, when every flip flop slap I hear coming from behind me, I see you. I hear you, cackling and laughing at me. I see your stupid face, I smell your fluffy jacket. All of you.. I still see you.
Our promise to go wreck chaos in Seattle is still pending. You better come back to SG and visit me, or come over to Seattle and keep your promise with me. Everytime we were meant to meet, you'll leave me hanging. Jesuz, and to think I waited on you. Stupid motherfucker. Maybe it's a good thing you left Digipen, so I wont have to keep looking over my back or around the corner to contain my excitement at having to see you but do a double take cos youre struggling just keeping up with the Dipipeoples. Argh, fuck you.
Love you long time b. Dont forget me.
I WILL HAUNT YOU ON FACEBOOK YOU WAIT.
I'LL PROVE TO YOU EVEN A FAILURE LIKE ME
CAN PRESS ON THROUGH THE TOUGH CAKE THAT IS DIGIPEN,
YOU'LL SEE. /inserts jesus' face/
IM ALMOST THERE. ARE YOU? Im sure youll be a fine DJ, or a rapper, or all the magical things you wanna be. You just gotta really put your mind to it. Stop looking for people when youve found a legit circle you can count on in Digipen. The world's gonna be quite harsh on you, Im afraid, so be strong boy. I'll always be here for you, no matter how stupiak you can actually be. Love you long time, Jerry, love you long time. ♥
Labels: i miss you, it's like you're asking for a beating, matters of the heart, pretty please, reminder remember, throw you upside down inside out, why you do this to me, words of love (:, you piece of shit
.