While my liquid courage still runs wild,
every fibre of my being wants to shout out to the universe how much I still love you. It's so unfair. We broke up in 2017. How is it that 5 years later I still crave your hand, your attention, your soul?
The fact that you've returned to my life, in a manner which I had been in a life-or-death situation yet again, is such a slap to my stubbornness of letting you go.
I need to move on. I want to move on.
So why cant I?
Is the universe trying to tell me not to run, or is this a reverse psychology tactic to get me to double down on my self preservation?
I hate this. I hate you. But oh my god,
I still love you.
Even after all this time.
Labels: #pangthepopiah, my love for you (:, pang the popiah, what the flying fuck
And Yet...
I just cant seemingly bring myself to hate you.
I totally understood where youre coming from.. what I was up against.
So then why do I still feel like shit.
Why do I still look to you.. look for you.
You were extremely mean.
All those excuses... that I never thought would come from you.
Yet I still dont mind.
Yet I still understood the reasons.
Yet I still pardoned you.
Why.
What is it that you have that the others never stood a chance?
Please dont forget me.
Please, dont forget me.
I am begging you.
Labels: #pangthepopiah, it's not fair, why you do this to me
Rewind, curb the pain
its not fair. I still constantly think about you.
It's been more than a month.
You appear in my dreams, turning then into nightmares goddammit.
My fears came true.
You wont chase after me.
You didnt.
Assignments and careers are more important to you.
I miss you so bad. Im desperate for someone to take over your place.
To replace you, so that I will no longer ache.
It's funny. You werent always present,
but I still yearn and believe in the idea of you.
How to make it stop?
Make me hate you, why dont you.
Even then, I will most probably still give you chances. Excuses.
Help me.
Rewind time, so there will never be a trace of you on in my eyes.
Labels: #pangthepopiah, it's not fair, why you do this to me
My parents really liked you
I told my mother. she said it's a waste you turned out to be so indecisive causing me so much hurt, but she doesnt want us to stop being friends. She says you're my right person, and I agree too, but it's not the right time. and youre not of the same mentality/page as I am, frankly speaking. while its mean to tell me that she predicted it, she said she definitely didnt expect us to last so long. I told her its not really 2 years worth of relationship.
We didnt do much together? my number 1 regret was having accepted you in the first place. I thought I could change you. I thought I could help you. But you were so adamant about not needing to change. I end up hurting myself a lot more than necessary.
But to that end, I can live with the fact that I did give my all into our relationship, although it's not the best that i could have given.
I will continue my drive with you as a friend, but I will definitely drop you from my priority. You've hurt me enough, and I would love for us to remain together as friends but be clear that I will be more adamant against you for my own sake.
I have loved you, I still do, but you never reciprocated them to me. Especially in words to reassure me. I've done all the reassuring for you, yet you still failed me. failed our relationship. You're too stuck with the malleable future that you refused to live in the current moment. with me. You fear about/for others so much that you've abandoned me. You treat me like just another friend, not like anyone special, so please carry on doing the same. your affections arent significant either, so please carry on.
the only reason why you feel like everything you do upsets me is because its all in your head. if you can think clearly, you can see that Ive been on my own for the longest time. ALL I NEEDED WAS YOUR TIME. I NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING ELSE. but you could do so many things with the rest, yet you couldnt even a bit of the same for me.
your reasons dont make sense for me. all of your thoughts. its all you. I tried to remind you time and time again to share your burden, that im not a fucking pet. I am your partner. I never needed you hand to lead me. I needed you to hold my hand with reassurance, with all the love you can give, and walk with me through every obstacle.
You fear. so much. that you projected your fears onto me. when I gain strength, you cut me down and insist on errors. play the roundabout game, repeating things youve told me many times before. Dont use the mental health trip on me. You werent there for me. when I went to the hospital, you didnt come down for me. when I had the panic attack (because of my guilt for you) you didnt stay with me/send me home.
you're so incapable with the little things. I knew that. I excused you. I let you pass with the only consolation that I needed your time. i cut down my texts to you, I cut down my visits to you, I left you alone for your sake.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED ME TO DO
youre better off being my precious friend than a partner. even till the end, you never uttered the word "love". so please leave and let me recover from you. I never stood a chance against your fears and your indecisive nature in truth. so stay as a friend. I might hate you for a bit, but I believe you deserve that much from me from having failed to love me to your best ability. Dont give me that shit that you couldnt — if I had been a priority for you, then you would have made time for me. the problem isnt me. it isnt you either, but your system that you refused to change. I never asked for much, and Im still sure...
Im the best you will ever get. You didnt fail me, dear. you failed yourself.
Be well.
Labels: #pangthepopiah, cos truth hurts, fucking piece of shit, stop hurting me, why you do this to me
Re-read the conversation
I'm ready to walk away.
But I also only need 1 reason to stay.
That reason is the hope that you'll put your commitment into this. it's the one thing you're missing. it's the one thing I don't believe that I've received from you. I believe you're too lazy to move for me. the truth is, I'm not as important as the brotherhood. this i accept, even though I hurt. you're turning into my parents, worry warts over my decisions that I'm confident in. break me down so hard and then try to feed me with sweetness and hope I take it.
and I always do. then the process repeats.
This time, it's clear that you've taken me for granted. you're aware. I'm aware. this is the third time. you know my life motto ㅡ one dollar three tries.
you think I like waiting on you? you think I have nothing better to do than wait on your sorry ass to move and lead me? you're a man but the way you're leading is through a lot of worries and releases.
I had only asked for a partner to hold my hand and come with me, bring me along.
I'm confident that I've let you bring me along, but you never came with me the same way. I took it. because I wanted to show you how I wanted to be treated too.
you didn't get it. instead you put words in my mouth, caused a huge miscommunication and listened to your friends. about our relationship. about my religion. about things not entirely revolving around them. things that you should have asked me. things that you should have showed me to convince me your commitment to this relationship.
things like the little things... the interpersonal skills you're lacking. because what you've been lacking is reassuring me youre still around, reassuring me that my waiting is worth it. that I'll have you and everything that comes with it.
what I'm seeing and getting right now is just what you're working towards in the future. what about us now? what about our present time? why can I make the time and effort but you can't? to me right now, it's all just excuses. I'm done with this one-sided love.
this hurts the most. everytime I try to make things better, you push me away. then, you tell me to not wait on you and that you don't deserve me. don't you want to prove me wrong? don't you want to make me happy? don't you want us to be happy? don't you want me? don't you love me? don't you want us to defy the critics? you're a walking contradiction but i hate how i forgive you so readily.
what is this relationship for then? I want to fucking build a fucking future with you stop putting me down and disregard my time and effort. of all the other guys, I chose you. I fucking chose you. that's worth so much coming from me dood.
consistent communication. it's the one big blow from the taiwan trip saga. it's also not the first miscommunication between us, but it's the big one. it affected the impression brotherhood has on me. it's affected the way I see you. the way I see us. it's affected the way I feel right now, looking back.
I've always been strong. I've always been full of love. I'm also a lot of bad with the good. so are you. as with many people. and i take it. until i can no longer spare the capacity to withstand. because motto in life is simple ㅡ one dollar three tries. im not after your perfection and credits. I'm after your stability. I haven't been getting any for a while.
you were a trigger to my depression, alongside my mum. this i acknowledge now with an ever-heavy heart.
our values are the same: you need stability in routines and fixtures, i need an anchor/rock to fix me back on the ground from flying too high. admit it, we lost that the moment i got left behind in school and got kicked out.
the way we practice our values are different ㅡ and it's not just because of our race and religion. I can list them all down, but you and I both don't dwell on the past. yet, you're fixated on the future when i only need your now. why am I the only one pointing out these things to you? because your friends can leave when shit hits the ceiling. I'm planning to stay, but not this way.
the way i am is not wrong, the way you are is not wrong either; we just gotta find the midpoint where we can seamlessly overlap.
and this takes time, energy, dedication and commitment. you've always been doing things to satisfy me. you're just doing enough. it no longer is.
I'm ready to walk away.
But I also only need 1 reason to stay.
p.s. how can you say you spent time the longest time on the phone with YS until 7am when you cant even spare me a minute to ask how's my day and if I've eaten? just because you don't do the trivial little things that I need but can do the unnecessary things with others? so much for putting your girlfriend priority.
p.p.s. I cannot trust your words anymore okay. do not make anymore promises. I'll tell you to shut up. remember that time you promised to accompany me to one of my psych appointments? ye, 'school' got in the way.
Labels: #pangthepopiah, can we have a minute of silence to listen, fucking piece of shit