I'm ready to walk away.

But I also only need 1 reason to stay.

That reason is the hope that you'll put your commitment into this. it's the one thing you're missing. it's the one thing I don't believe that I've received from you. I believe you're too lazy to move for me. the truth is, I'm not as important as the brotherhood. this i accept, even though I hurt. you're turning into my parents, worry warts over my decisions that I'm confident in. break me down so hard and then try to feed me with sweetness and hope I take it.

and I always do. then the process repeats.

This time, it's clear that you've taken me for granted. you're aware. I'm aware. this is the third time. you know my life motto ㅡ one dollar three tries.

you think I like waiting on you? you think I have nothing better to do than wait on your sorry ass to move and lead me? you're a man but the way you're leading is through a lot of worries and releases.

I had only asked for a partner to hold my hand and come with me, bring me along.

I'm confident that I've let you bring me along, but you never came with me the same way. I took it. because I wanted to show you how I wanted to be treated too.

you didn't get it. instead you put words in my mouth, caused a huge miscommunication and listened to your friends. about our relationship. about my religion. about things not entirely revolving around them. things that you should have asked me. things that you should have showed me to convince me your commitment to this relationship.

things like the little things... the interpersonal skills you're lacking. because what you've been lacking is reassuring me youre still around, reassuring me that my waiting is worth it. that I'll have you and everything that comes with it.

what I'm seeing and getting right now is just what you're working towards in the future. what about us now? what about our present time? why can I make the time and effort but you can't? to me right now, it's all just excuses. I'm done with this one-sided love.

this hurts the most. everytime I try to make things better, you push me away. then, you tell me to not wait on you and that you don't deserve me. don't you want to prove me wrong? don't you want to make me happy? don't you want us to be happy? don't you want me? don't you love me? don't you want us to defy the critics? you're a walking contradiction but i hate how i forgive you so readily.

what is this relationship for then? I want to fucking build a fucking future with you stop putting me down and disregard my time and effort. of all the other guys, I chose you. I fucking chose you. that's worth so much coming from me dood.

consistent communication. it's the one big blow from the taiwan trip saga. it's also not the first miscommunication between us, but it's the big one. it affected the impression brotherhood has on me. it's affected the way I see you. the way I see us. it's affected the way I feel right now, looking back.

I've always been strong. I've always been full of love. I'm also a lot of bad with the good. so are you. as with many people. and i take it. until i can no longer spare the capacity to withstand. because motto in life is simple ㅡ one dollar three tries. im not after your perfection and credits. I'm after your stability. I haven't been getting any for a while.

you were a trigger to my depression, alongside my mum. this i acknowledge now with an ever-heavy heart.

our values are the same: you need stability in routines and fixtures, i need an anchor/rock to fix me back on the ground from flying too high. admit it, we lost that the moment i got left behind in school and got kicked out.

the way we practice our values are different  ㅡ and it's not just because of our race and religion. I can list them all down, but you and I both don't dwell on the past. yet, you're fixated on the future when i only need your now. why am I the only one pointing out these things to you? because your friends can leave when shit hits the ceiling. I'm planning to stay, but not this way.

the way i am is not wrong, the way you are is not wrong either; we just gotta find the midpoint where we can seamlessly overlap.

and this takes time, energy, dedication and commitment. you've always been doing things to satisfy me. you're just doing enough. it no longer is.

I'm ready to walk away.

But I also only need 1 reason to stay.

p.s. how can you say you spent time the longest time on the phone with YS until 7am when you cant even spare me a minute to ask how's my day and if I've eaten? just because you don't do the trivial little things that I need but can do the unnecessary things with others? so much for putting your girlfriend priority.

p.p.s. I cannot trust your words anymore okay. do not make anymore promises. I'll tell you to shut up. remember that time you promised to accompany me to one of my psych appointments? ye, 'school' got in the way.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, can we have a minute of silence to listen, fucking piece of shit