Raya Duty: self-proclaim term that translates to being tortured as the eldest child and eldest daughter in having to be around when people come to visit to (one) entertain the guests and show your manners, (two) help mum in the kitchen, (three) mask-on and show how tolerably tolerant you are in showing respect and honour to those older than you.

I'll be honest. I really dread being on raya duty. but of course, it is my own coined term. I dread it so because of the time it wastes doing nothing. but when i think about it after some time, i enjoy doing nothing. because life gets you so busy that you forget to slow down the tempo to appreciate the smallest of luxuries of life...... which is why I am contradicting myself right this moment. i dread raya duty because of the repeated questions. i dread raya duty because of the mask i have to put on. i dread raya duty especially when my family are the ones to go visiting. so, really, actually, why am i complaining?...

Dad is the oldest son in his family. The orang kuat of my paternal family. people come to visit him instead.

on days that we visit, i relish in the adorable golden citizens like nek teh. she is a joy to be with, still quite nimble although the pounds have tremendously been removed from her. i say removed, because she dont do nothing to deserve that kind of sudden shrinkage. but! old age does things to you. especially when you hit the internet age. this age.

there are, of course, rare occasions when i suddenly regret strolling out of my room or coming back home late and missed some lovely guests who visited. one of them is kak fiqah. she has a smart, if not sharp mind. and this year, she brought her husband. turns out, her husband is pointedly a quieter sharp shooter. im fascinated by his demeanor. its such a strong silence that is, weird but true, very engaging. i catch myself looking at him even though im in a conversation with kak fiqah. one of the reason im doing so might be because hes sitting in between the both of us so, you know, i try to be engaging and involve people around me huahuahua

i almost always surprise myself talking to people like kak fiqah and abang azmi. i feel the need to prove myself, and in abang azmi's case, the need to one-up after my last meeting with him. with kak fiqah, i guess i wanna prove im growing. she is my cousin after all. i look up to her.. her effort and hard work to follow through a safe and stable journey. i, on the other hand, am the total opposite of her. i guess opposites attract after all. speaking with kak fiqah allows me a peek into the window of my future. she's pregnant, kak fiqah. due early august. i found myself asking about her.. whether she's aware and appreciative of the changes going through her. i failed to ask her one important question: how does this all make her feel; i ran out of time. it was past her bedtime, so they needed to leave.
abang azmi is quite obviously a touch-and-go person. he only notices you for two reaons: one, you did something wrong to him or those that mattered to him, and two, you made him reconsider his stand. i would say abang azmi is quite accomplished, seeing that he travels the world for his job and knows a fair bit about everything. i like his brain. he's street smart and sly. lolol i dont lie, its got a lot to do with that dread of his thats been there since i can remember. its only getting longer HAHAHHAA HE KEEPS HIS HAIR LONGER AND BETTER THAN I KEEP MINE. AND MINE'S IS LIKE THE FEMALE VERSION OF A BUZZCUT. whatever that means lel i want to impress him. i think its a challenge i took upon myself unknowingly, only realizing it probably at least 2 years back. hes hard to impress, and the fact that he remembers the longest cold war ever between siblings (me and the sister) speaks volumes. ive said hes a touch-and-go person, so that means he wants to be in on a thing, but not get involved. so i told him the ins of what went down of the cold war, and then nothing else of it. and that kept us talking. he was surprised to know that im still going down the creative path, one way or another. he knows a thing or two about that, and hes got my back. sort of. so i want more from that. i dont want just his back. i want to have his foot in.

but its not just for abang azmi. it's practically for everyone i meet and recognize and know. family, friends, even strangers. i want to leave an impression, and im very, very conscious of my body language. first impressions yo.


i just hope that i make sense just posting my 5th personality test. its the 5th, and its still the same.... everything is a majority except whether im an extrovert or introvert. its a dang blur of a line, yo. even after the 5th try. huahuahua and for sure, this also links back to my language of love result where i am first and foremost a quality time spender before a physical touch yayayayay~!! it says a lot, right? hehehe so let me end this post by sharing my discussion with wak ija on the first day of raya. i guess this brings a whole closure to who i am as of 1st July 2017 teehee

i didnt do anything. kept quiet upon entering grandma's house, kept to my corner. had my nice face on. technically, i was still warming up that first morning of raya. wak ija connected with me first, commenting on how fairly bright i have become as opposed to the glum and gloomy facade i wore years prior to that day. i told her it was probably because of the soap mum bought for me, but i didnt tell her that its also because ive come to terms with the way things have become, are now, and will be in the future. i also didnt tell her that this 'change' has no relation to my acts of prayer, because im oh-so short in prayer count, but i still believed. I believed in Allah, but I dont have the heart in my confidence. i didnt tell her that.
she continued with the standard questions/interrogations, and found out that my partner is a chinese gentleman who is greatly adored by my parents and, obviously, myself. shes super supportive of it, and she wishes that he comes to join us as a family in relationship and in religion. i had to put my flag up because it's still a very much unspoken topic. her passion was flowing through, so i didnt completely stop her there. wak ija is a businesswoman, right, so she has her ideas floating around everywhere above her one path. and that path is her Islam. i say "her Islam" because as of this day, Ive concluded that everyone's Islam will definitely vary even by a millimeter. and yet, it is still Islam. so, her islam is also my islam with some loss of quality since i am quite lacking myself, right. and she has very good intentions for me. she wants me to find and be with a man that is capable of leading me in both on earth and in the afterlife. bottomline is, she wants me to be happy and have confidence in my husband that will bring me down a righteous path. again, her righteousness doesnt necessarily reflect mine, but keep in mind that i understand her idea and intentions. i dont stop her. she continues throwing magnificent wishes of bliss and blessed life.. and i am so grateful that this woman who was once my nightmare come to life is so accepting of my partner who she has never met. she was never this vocal and supportive of me, period. it was a great thing to have spoken to her... to have allowed myself to speak to her.

so you see, this left and right choices... i dont really think about it. i just do. i think later. if my gut feeling tells me that i should shut up, i shall. the one catch? my gut feeling is not what my heart tells me. so i follow the 'voice' of the stronger one. its the same to my approach of my raya duty... to my decision in wanting to entertain people — who to entertain... my decision to let wak ija carry on and remember her words... its the same for the reason how and why i chose pang to be my partner even though im very aware of the challenges ahead.

its the same approach to the reason why i love my pang. ♥

does any of this make sense? i hope so.

Labels: #suchafah, all is well, it's so hard to express this shit in words, look at what we have here, this is good, well now, word vomit, words of love (:

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