In a burst of momentary clarity, fresh crystal thoughts sparked my thinking.

Number One
everyone's trying to make it in this world. everyone's struggling. you are 1 person but 1 person can make enough changes. 1 person can initiate a ripple. 1 person can create a wave. but 1 person cannot handle the pressure alone. the best thing 1 person can do, is to be. calm and peace.
1 person starts with me.

Number Two
I saw a kid in Teck Whye Sec PE attire. the thoughts drifted to Pang, and how lacking he is in his childhood and early life. he's great with work and merit accolades, sure. his social and interpersonal skills though, are significantly lacking. well, not too much. if there's a routine to things, he'll do well. his primary school was a christian school, his secondary school a Chinese high school. in poly, his media line hadn't exposed him enough to multiple races we have in Singaporeㅡ the one person we can cite in Vinod and that is a mercurial being lololol. his childhood and the way he's brought up is so volatile there is no consistency and stability. as much as these speculations go, it's not entirely his parents' or anyone's fault.
this is his life. this is how it is.
this stability of a man is so brutal that his schedules are embedded in him; even his color blindness is probably an evolution from this. his laziness is a product of this mold from the cut-and-dry systematic lifestyle for almost two decades; also probably a defensive stance he's taken before he allows himself the power to move and commit into something. this is how he is. and i cannot do enough to even hope to alter him.
my appearance in his life changed things because suddenly, there's a girl. a strong girl. no, she's a woman. but a soft, kind woman with a fierce, strong front. this woman lives in colors. she's loved by people and she's with so many people. her childhood is filled with stories that don't come close to the mundane loserville of his. her way of life is so different. she is different. and she has a lot of love to give and he has a lot to offer.

but maybe his offer wasnt what she needed. and she should never have hoped he was able to refill anything she exhausted on.
her requests may seem trivial, seeing how almost whole it is. but she drowns inside herself sometimes. and all she hopes is for someone to grab her hand and pull her to the surface to breathe. to hold her and say its fine. to be with her there as the tides flow until she can be back ashore. then she can maybe live again for a while or so before she decides to take a swim and drowns.
I hope for a routine too, because I'm too haphazard in everything. I hope for clarity even in the monochrome because I feel fictional in this cruel reality.

and he has issues I want to know of. not as a subject of imposing on your partner but because I am your partner. there are some episodes of reality you hope I can relieve but I personally lack in those. I want to feel as much as I can, for us to cry fight laugh love for as long as we can. I'm hoping for forever here. his coldness needs some getting used to, even after 2 years.

I love him, will continue to do so unconditionally and I have no more reasons why.

Labels: i love you, it's so hard to express this shit in words, pang the popiah