It really feels impossible for me to step forward from the creative rut that I am in. I dont even know what I should be doing anymore, or what I should be focusing. So here is me trying to reset my whole system. Again. Oh for crying out loud!!

The priority for me is to put out the story of PastelPatch, but I know not the best format I should choose. So I think to myself, again, of recent decisions I've told myself. Do the easier thing first: write the story out. Just write it. It will be a work of fiction for now, because I know I've always been a better writer in that field. Im too much of a perfectionist and micro-manager to be able to progress fast enough for anything else. It's been more than 3 years, and Im still stuck here with my lack of discipline to just finish something — ANYTHING, really — that appears to have disgustingly fall short of my perfectionist tendencies and standards. I really have to put a stop to this perfectionist idealistic work ethic. It will bring me nowhere far.

It's tiring. It's frustrating. I need to do something already. Just fucking do something first already.
I am so very well behind schedule, and I really just need to get something done. If it's a young adult story that I have to write about, then goddammit it will have to do. Yesterday, my eyes have signaled the beginning of change: a myopic-related change. I need more rest for my eyes. My perfect vision is at stake if I keep hanging out the digital screens till my eyes dry out. It's not cool.

I want everything to be in control of everything, but thats not how it is. Thats now how it should be.

A rough plan, and then move forward by being in the moment. The story, the characters have a life on their own. Focus on finishing the story(s) first, and then decide the secondary format to enhance the package. Illustration, no doubt, needs to be in the list because it's something Im much better and confident at than the other formats. Should I want to animate, it should be in a much later part of the process: AFTER WRITING. I probably will work the angle of Illustrator-AfterEffects method. In due time, of course. BUT ALL WITHIN THE HALF-YEAR SCHEDULE. Sigh.

All these plans, theyre enough. Now, G E T T O W O R K A L R E A D Y



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tl;dr
weakness: perfectionist, perfectionist, perfectionist, mind-dumbing self by being stuck in grave dug by self, micro-manager, too many things to load until overload

strength: artistic, talented, flexible, will perform brilliantly when clear instruction(s) is given, a lot of love to give best done in stages and well-paced output

Labels: #suchafah, anger, creative adrenaline vomit, here we go, oh my god, serious business, this is how, this is more than enough, what do i do

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Good to be writing again. Immediately, let's begin. These are the summarized events for the first two weeks of November.

3rd November
At my request, Pang came over to visit me at home. The previous night, I was so sure that he had had enough of me and my bullshit. I wanted out if he had had enough, cos I had enough with trying to even last another day. But he'd come, and he'd sat on the floor in the corner of my room and I'd got lost in those eyes and hands again. I shared my stories with him, how my family cannot help me with the one thing I really need the most, how it's unfortunately, and unfairly, up to him now. What I didnt share, because I couldnt bring myself to, was that if he had wanted out, that was the time to confess. I can no longer stand to feel any more alone than I already am despite waking to 4 other people under the same roof every fucking morning.

Cos if he's gonna display any hint of ignoring me or abandoning me — or I misunderstand him, again — I'm just gonna withdraw without warning. And Im not gonna come back. Once I leave, that's the last of it.

At the rate things're going, I honestly forget his presence sometimes. It's too bad, but I can no longer deal with anymore pain of being left alone by the very same people who claim to love me. Over and over again.

I assumed Pang understood everything. Because I've poured my heart out to him. Then we went to get icecream and Archipelago before he sent me back home and returned home himself. I love this man, but I need to know, I need to him to know, that choosing me everyday is something I need him to constantly reassure me with.

Because nobody will ever know when I might possibly let go. Not even me. Especially not me.

4th November
After work, I had stayed behind because of nis and serina. Completing some menial admin tasks since I was just one session away from a full shift is never a bad idea on a forgiving day. After popping some sticks, we parted ways and I stuffed my face with some more Lisa Gardner.

5th November
After work ended on high from full-shift Sunday, on impulse, the decision to go window shopping with syaza proved futile — I spent almost S$200 on 2 roller scents from Victoria's Secret and a huuuge wallet-bag from Picard worth S$150 thatI absolutely still adore!! (I am still in the adapting phases of working with it so, patience is crucial~)

I ended the day dreading my regret the next day :3

6th November
I had a sort of fever, so massage session was sans gua-sha. Even then, somehow, Ivy managed to overshot by 15 minutes. That, and coupled with the fact that it's the 2nd time Im very aware of her fleeting presence in the present, sort of upset me. But I leave it, because it dont matter once I end the package hopefully by early this year.

7th November
My psychotherapy session. Story for another post.
But the day ended up turning for the better because of nisley :3 who finally asked me for help with dealing with her fyp lololol She came over, and it was such a fantastic time. She's such a babysweetheart huehuehue Thank god Im in the scene (sorta) so Im well-versed in the topic (sorta) hehehe



11th November
The PTA Workshop was wonderful, sans the part where I refused to wake up in the morning and had to request Grab for a ride at S$24. As it is, Im already very tight with money so I have no idea where my discipline and drive went that morning. Madinah was the instructor, and she was a lump of jolly bubble ♥ The people in class seemed pretty cool too. I was without a partner, so I'm left to complete the notes first and have a hand at the practical next week instead.

12th November
Work was interestingly fascinating this time. I still dread Artary 3's paper mache though, but it's ending soon. So that's looking fairly great. Afterwards, serina asked to hang, and ended up staying around (Jem for 4fingers, bus journeys to my void deck) where we lingered until she went home at 10. It was an interesting episode — it was fairly fun for me to just listen to serina's stories. I only shared about my bits towards the end... as usual. The inferiority bloomed again and I was so sure that, once again, my story really isnt worth anyone's time. Went home happy though. More like, barely satiated(?) with the energy and mental strength I was left with.



So far so good. Im looking forward to psychologist psychotherapy sessions. Nervous for the psychiatrist session. Either way, I need to compartmentalize my thoughts whenever I can. It's been a wild ride.

Labels: here we go, it's so hard to express this shit in words, where do we start (over)

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