𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒔𝒌𝒚 ✨

Sunday, June 18, 5:40 pm × Well, 2 weeks was too short

Actually, it appears that the reality is that I didnt have a lot of time during this 2-week Term Break. I was busy meeting friends, exploring new and familiar things in SG all over again. The first week of my holidays was still a period of celebrating my belated birthday.

The second week of term break was a continuation of exploring and living life, but with a layer of worry and stress that has started to take hold. This, Im sure, is related to the impending reopening of school.

There were a few good things that happened, one of the biggest deal was that I had purchase a MacBook Pro 14" for myself.

Im still on the BTOB Train, but I think this will be the new normal until GOT7 comes back.

Labels: GOT7 갓세븐, life has so many lemons to make lemonades out of, MacBook Pro 14", ㅂㅌㅂ 비투비 BTOB

Monday, June 5, 1:47 am × Precious 2-week Term Break

Hands are itching to do something. So does the brain. As do the rest of the body.

Stories left sitting in my mental closet have been patiently waiting for the day they can each doll up and fly away. I can feel the time to open up its doors very soon. You know how they say there is never a good time for anything... that you are never actually ready for anything...?

For many years, trying to make a living through creative expressions and outputs have been such a struggle. Right now, there is finally a sense of stability in my life. The plan is try to keep it that way, my passion projects relegated into the sidelines until I have enough capital for all capacities required — which is quite the list. While I'm still in the process of settling into my new normal as a single, 30-something educator, I have to keep pace as each semester's contract with SP is never guaranteed based on student feedback. Of course, I am confident in my capabilities and general feedback but one can never be too safe — I, of all people, should know this best!! (*ΦωΦ*)

This year, I have this list to clear during this Term Break and Semester Break in September between August to October:

Writing out my stories; short stories first!
Drawing out my letters to precious people
Creating fanarts and fanfictions (07-365-247)
Making design works; personal and professional
Reading and researching more on Graphic Design and Advertising

I also kinda need to lay down how different life has been since I turned 30 because that shit is real. Brain chemistry has altered, moods have shifted, health has improved, and most importantly, laughter has returned.

Another thing that needs to be addressed is how immediately BTOB has overthrown GOT7's spot as my top k-boy band. Overnight takeover, when they've been steeping in my library for about 10 years. All it took was 이창섭 and BTOB4U's Show Your Love. My entire social media algorithm is maxed with just BTOB and 이창섭 content, and I'm so thankful. I reckon the reason why they've managed to take over my life so easily is because they are proper 오빠z and, critical pointer, they are brilliant vocalists.
I am a sucker for outstanding vocalists that match my tastes and preferences: thankyou for existing BTOB and Dreamcatcher (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Labels: #suchafah, sharing stories, to-do list, ㄷㅋ 드림캐쳐 Dreamcatcher, ㅂㅌㅂ 비투비 BTOB

Saturday, May 20, 1:50 am × 사랑보다 더 큰 힘은 없어 그것뿐이면 돼

Nothing is more powerful than love, that’s all that matters. — 창섭 오빠, Show Your Love 2020

Right now, I am in the phase of my life where I am obsessed with this person (a South Korean idol) by the name of Lee Chang Sub. I vaguely remember when this all started. The culprit is BTOB 4U’s Show Your Love era. The song is really quite pretty, a vibe, so I got hooked. Changsub oppa’s notoriety as a funny man was already pretty established by this time too, what with the BTOB boys finishing up their mandatory military service. My favour and bias towards funny man overtook any other criteria at that point of time, so I gave them (BTOB) a little chance and tried to get into them.

I’ll be honest – It was not until BTOB’s appearance on Dingo’s Killing Verse that I finally started to get in deep. I was a casual fan, but their vocals and performance skills cemented them almost immediately in my top 3 Korean idol groups. There is no particular order because it is difficult to choose, but my current top 3 are Dreamcatcher, GOT7, and BTOB. For some reason, I feel like these groups are not popular and recognised enough in South Korea. They are hardly in the mainstream conversations of, say, “Idols with Best Live Vocals” or even “Best Performance Idols”. That in itself is such a crime and I want to protect these kids a lot more.

For one thing, it is not wise to assume that the likes of B.A.P, INFINITE, or SHINEE have been forgotten by me. I think it has a lot to do with where I am today – age, period, generation, point in life, emotional needs, etc. Dreamcatcher has absolutely no skippable tracks. BTOB’s maturity in their discography is commendable because, after Pray (I’ll Be Your Man), their discography controlled by Hyunsik hits a specific spot for my 30+ year old heart. The emotions these 2 groups exude in their songs have got a strong hold of me. GOT7 remains precious because they were the first proper stan, what with all my collection of their albums and merch in the span of 3-5 months?

So once I start diving into BTOB, I was hooked onto Changsub oppa. It became an obsession, but it felt like it was meant to be. The 3 previous boy groups I mentioned just moments ago are pretty obviously my oppas. They are a lot older, but BTOB is not. The three older brother of BTOB – Eunkwang, Minhyuk, and Changsub – are the only oppas. The remaining four younger brothers are my juniors in age. It feels like I can assimilate myself amongst them better if my dreamer ass’ wish ever comes true that I get to hang out with them lolol

Changsub’s vocals and emotional delivery were the first things I noticed. What got him settled as my ultimate bias though was his personality. He is the very ideal man I had always hoped to find. Sure, he isnt stunningly handsome, but he is handsome enough. There is something so humane but magical about his entire being that I am so fucking obsessed.

BTOB’s latest comeback as a complete(?) team of six on 2nd May, their album Wind and Wish, revealed to me just how much I really adored Changsub oppa and the entire BTOB boys. Upon first listen, the track that I needed to loop immediately after was titled “Your Love”. There is a particular nostalgic, fluffy, tugging feeling when I listened to the song. Changsub oppa opened the song; one of countless BTOB songs that he starts on. You know it’s gonna be a great song when Changsub oppa starts the song.

Before all this, I only loved the national songs of BTOB: Missing You, and Beautiful Pain. Beautiful Pain truly lived up to its name because it’s difficult to acknowledge it as one of BTOB’s signature songs when the original track is missing one member, Eunkwang oppa, because he was in the military. Truth be told, cross my heart, I often find myself mindlessly singing Beautiful Pain’s opening verse. It carries that much emotion that I cannot help but to latch onto it everytime I needed to belt out an itch.

There was another song that grew onto me almost immediately, but understand that it’s strange for me to put it that way. The reason is because I never really thought I’d like <Pray (I’ll Be A Man)> as much as I do now. All it took was for me to watch a recent video showing them performing it live. Understand that this particular song was from 2016, so the growth and maturity of their vocals and performance had yet to peak. While I could appreciate their vocal gymnastics and harmonies, I’d mistakenly assumed they were not gonna be able to pull it off beyond that year/period. I was proved wrong because immediately after that, the National Songs of BTOB came in droves! After much digging and consuming their content – boy, do they have a lot of content!! I am so excited to crawl through slowly – I came across the next best, under-appreciated song: Finale (Show and Prove).

The epic quality of this song is only evident through Live Performances, where all the members are present. I saw one video of their recent, 2023 New Year Concert, and it was so epic. Despite the video being a proper authentic fancam, it did not betray the kind of majestic grandeur the song was actually capable of – something that Kingdom, the survival show where it originated from, cannot deliver. While I love Changsub oppa in his every versions and entirety, when you need a solid bass to open the song after Peniel’s intro, Hyunsik is the man. Dont be mistaken though, Im not saying Changsub oppa cannot deliver the opening. Instead, <Finale (Show and Prove)>’s first singing verse just needs the pure bass. Changsub oppa actually proved he’s got one of the widest, most stable range in the group but for the sake of the grandness of the song, one needs to start it strong and low. So you bring in Hyunsik the master baritone in the group.

Essentially, BTOB is added into my way of life. They have definitely helped me through some parts of my life as of May 2023, and the instant change is in how happy and light-hearted I am. BTOB was able to return some vitality to me that’s befitting of this point in my life right now… something that GOT7 is slightly lacking for now though I cannot blame them since they are going through the storm of military enlistment periods~~

If anything, these 3 groups have proved to me true, safe friendships actually exist. Really nice, good people exist regardless of the camera recording. These people… they are just genuinely sofa king nice and it puts my heart at ease. So much peace that I have begun to incorporate their personas as motivation and inspiration in my daily life.

I cannot fuss over Changsub oppa enough. He has my entire heart and this is just wild to me. I need to witness his every move, track down every video of him, trace his every activities, and just consume all content on YouTube about him. His solo discography is also brilliant. This man is a full package: an artist, a superb vocalist, a musical performer, a clown, a swag dancer, a kind human, a giving human, an incredibly patient and wild individual, and most importantly, a warm person.

Lee Chang Seob. You are so damn beautiful.
I'm gonna need to look for images of all the concepts you have done because right now, I cannot get enough of you huehuehue

Labels: Born to Beat, BTOB, Changsub oppa, Lee Changsub, 오빠, 이창섭, 창섭 오빠

Friday, February 10, 5:13 pm × New Year, New Yearns

The last post about liquid courage was dedicated to that person because of the opportunities that came with his return.

It's now 2023, I think it's fair to say I have much to update. Let's catch us up to speed, because I have not contributed enough to my digital journal as of late.

Since reconnecting with Kai Lun, he brought me into SP as part of their teaching team -- I was contracted as an Adjunct Lecturer (AL). My first class was sometime in the middle of October. I was scheduled for 2 modules -- a main module for advertising (Brand Communication Studio/BCS), and an elective for graphic design introduction (Graphic Design Fundamentals/GDF). The contract was dated for mid-October, and early-Feb. As of this writing, we are at the final week of the semester -- next week is submission and presentation; extensions not withstanding.

Let's talk about the schedule first.

AY2223 Semester 2 saw me coming to school on Tuesday and Friday mornings for 4 and 3 hours respectively. What I learnt from a fellow AL was the maximum 24 hours we are allowed to clock per week. After much calculation, I figured I should aim to teach for at least 12 hours each week -- that is my bare minimum that I set for myself. Now, how do those days divide up? If the max per day is 8 hours, that will be 3 days of teaching. That's plenty time to do my own thing -- which I know I have been saying for the longest time but it's also like, dude, I feel like this year I can make it!

How long do I want to do this for? Honestly, I feel comfortable in this teaching line for the rest of my life. The difficult question revolves around how long do I want to remain an AL. Right now, Im still uninterested with the thought of turning Full-Time, reason being all that paper work and other ad-hoc stuff I'm 100% not interested in. Why sia, you may ask. Simple -- I want to share and communicate with young adults about topics that Im interested and confident in. At this point in my life, I only want to do things that I like. No longer will I extensively tolerate things that I dont vibe with. I definitely dont have a problem with being an AL, at least at this time of writing, so I keep the status as it is. Why it keeps being brought up is because Kai Lun always brings it up like DUDE COME ON HAHAHAHA In any case, I would like to just stick with being AL in SP first. I am pretty familiar with SP, so if touch wood I fuck up a thing, Im contend with parting ways. It's a little hard to explain this rationale I have at the moment, but that is where I stand.

Now, let's talk about the kids.

I have 2 classes of kids with BCS 2, while GDF is 1 class. About 20 kids in each class, so thats about 60 kids in total for this semester. Pretty much from the first day, I felt like I was in my element being surrounded by youths and creative topic -- save for my self-confidence with Design knowledge. The self confidence/assurance definitely took a little hit. It cant be helped when your tutor team has people like JT, plenty years of teaching experience, and S, plenty years of advertising experience plus not to mention juggling freelance positions of Art Director and Adjunct Lecturer at the same time since her younger years. Who was I in comparison to them? But I managed because I had leaned in to my strengths -- a personable individual, a logical and practical brain, strong execution (technical skills), and power empathy, to name a few. Hmm... seems like these are more soft skills than hard skills lolol But I do believe it balances out because, since BCS 2 is split into two days: JT and myself take Tuesday for Classes 03 and 04, while JT (again) and S take the Thursday class for Classes 01 and 02, our dynamics are fairly different hence it matches. It is just as different when the tutor team gets together too. We are all nice people, so I hope it gets translated well where working relationship is concerned.

It's not always the case where the kids are concerned. First, of the 4 classes, my Class 04 definitely struggles a little bit more than the rest. In their current adolescent years, there is much for them to learn. From managing personal and working relationships, to time and pace management, to pipeline and execution process, all these squeezed together into this multiple tight deadline culture of the school will bound to cause burnout and breakdown in every aspect possible. What the lecturers see as petty arguments between classmates can be life and death for the students as this is part of building bridges for them -- this is where their professional networking starts from. The potential trauma from trivialising anything in this period of their growth can be scary. I guess this is why I take nurturing and educating so seriously, regardless of their age group. Instead of stressing myself over trying to micromanage all these small but important details, I want to trust them to manage it on their own. As young adults, I trust that they can start, if not learn to start, handling difficulties and struggles on their own. But that can be difficult for some, and in this case, it is difficult for a particular class. Interpersonal relationship is such an important building block that external parties just cannot help -- they have to learn on their own, and sometimes it's a very difficult lesson to swallow and learn.

It doesnt help that they have such a strong dislike for JT, who is the module coordinator, because of how blunt and how trusting she is of the kids that the freedom she gave them, in my opinion, backfired. So, not only does Class 04 not appreciate JT, all 4 classes are unable to appreciate JT's efforts which they cannot see.

I think the super blessing is that all of them still have heart. They understand and empathise with JT for being overworked. They understand and empathise with their fellow group members who have to juggle work and school. They are able to draw a certain boundary between personal and professional/school, but have a tough time to exercise indifferent reaction.

Something I mentioned to one of the conflicted groups JT and I had to speak to was that, to us, taking things personally is silly because this is all just work. Everyone is feeling this sort of tension because everyone wants the best for the group and for their grades. But I acknowledged that it feels so personal because of all the time, energy, and other sacrifices each person believes they had to make for the group and for the work. Some people are definitely justified because they communicated. Others... not so much given their lack of communication and reciprocation. You win some, you lose some.

I think this is also a brilliant opportunity for me to re-learn how to manage my own expectation and boundaries with feeling so much empathy for my kids' struggles. Most of the time, they have to learn and go through it on their own. Like how Ive come to believe that you are essentially always alone, this rings true in this instance too.

I will end here first. My brain has much to process, digest, and relay out. Can't lie, looking back now, I feel so blessed. Alhamdulillah.

Wednesday, December 7, 12:46 am × While my liquid courage still runs wild,

every fibre of my being wants to shout out to the universe how much I still love you. It's so unfair. We broke up in 2017. How is it that 5 years later I still crave your hand, your attention, your soul?

The fact that you've returned to my life, in a manner which I had been in a life-or-death situation yet again, is such a slap to my stubbornness of letting you go.

I need to move on. I want to move on.

So why cant I?

Is the universe trying to tell me not to run, or is this a reverse psychology tactic to get me to double down on my self preservation?

I hate this. I hate you. But oh my god,

I still love you.

Even after all this time.

Labels: #pangthepopiah, my love for you (:, pang the popiah, what the flying fuck