As of this writing, I am currently in a better place mentally. Sometimes when shit happens, one has that innate habit to put the blame elsewhere instead of directing it at one's self. That's a matter of pride. The ego of the self is a strong defence machanism. For all it's worth, the ego/pride can be such a formidable partner with the sincere part of the self as it protects one from harm in all possible aspects, whether you want to believe it or not. In this instance, the majority of the human race joked seriously about "2020 is Cancelled because of COVID-19". In turn, this trope became a sort of chant that gradually caused people to believe that whatever plans and objectives that theyve set out for themselves are no longer valid because of this obstruction that is the pandemic. While that is true to the extent, shouting in an echo chamber of forced hopes and beliefs will do no one good.

I was one of them myself. I had complained and grieved about alleged plans I had set out until the pandemic hit. Truth be told, those plans were always front and center of my waking moment. What had hindered it was money and my personal determination that can get affected as easily as a twig snapping. It was frustrating, yes, and it's unfortunate that things had to come to a halt or some sort of delay because of the pandemic situation. But I knew, in my heart of hearts, that nothing would have changed for me even if the pandemic hit. If there's anything that did change, it was my determination to keep to the path that I had always believed in — the life goal/achievement that I know Im capable of reaching.

It just had to take almost 30 long years to reach the common sense in my head.

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It is August 2021 now. Surely, a lot of things happened. Many episodes of self-worth confusion, depression/depressive tendencies, struggle to accept, and others. But today I write not to delve into those — they are familiar territory. That dark, familiar territory is not something I take pride in, and I sure as hell do not want to be rememebered for it. Even I dont want to recall those days as compared to happier, fond memories.

I've got my beloved PC fixed for a while by copping Evil Bear's GPU that he was about to dispose of. An R9 270X, it's a middleweight graphics processor. I see an opportunity to kick start the creative engine that I'd laid dormant for a long while. That is not to say that the job at ST Engineering wasnt creative — it just wasnt my kind of creative. My kind of creative had freedom and flow which my current full-time position doesnt offer readily. Besides, it's a more Design job rather than Art. It wasnt something I had to think about too deeply either, the objective. The critical (design) thinking that I was familiar with did not exist in its entirety in this current workplace.

After reviving L0RDiR0H last night, I immediately got to work. Cleared all the backlog that I had held out since May — a really low period of the year, between May and July, though the fog started much earlier. As of today, Im back working on my portfolio, settled listing things on Olio to make more room in my room's real estate, got my mobile games Cookie Run Kingdom and Genshin Impact working on this computer, and sorted out the administration and organisation of my old PC.

I should be busting out the Wacom next week. The hope to not kill this jive Im in is so strong. I have a lot of fears and worries — thats just how it is with me — but Im gonna try harder to not settle on those uncertainties and worries. Instead, focusing on the tasks at hand works a lot better. It's been proven time and again when I do get to it; yet I just cant seem to make it a thing of permanance in my life. Not yet, I guess. Soon enough.

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There are days when I wake up and I feel — I know — that I've become different. Ive grown. Ive changed. Right now, my hopes are that, moving forward, all the things Ive done and will be doing are meant for me. I do have to benefit myself first as much as it should benefit others around me (albeit a little less of a percentage. The give-and-take percentage is flexible but I have to drop the giving tendencies a lot more, or channel them to myself instead of others).

Being happy entails many things. I know for a fact that once I reach the age that can match dinosaur age in human years, the happiness list should be much shorter. Succinct, if you will. As I still have aspirations, and am finally beginning to live this life for myself, my lists of many things houses a lot of factors. I hope to be able to check all those factors eventually.

I like being happy, being calm. I hope to maintain this energy for a long while everytime it pops up... like now.

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You're doing good, Fah. Keep going.

Labels: #suchafah, how fah rolls, keep calm and carry fah, words of wonder

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last night I had a little chat with marisa and russell the ponyo during one of the set breaks during the figure drawing session. one thing that struck me most was marisa's insistence that I should find one thing to focus on and steer towards that direction. ponyo added that, even if I should turn out to be another jack of (almost) all trades like renqi - possibly - there should be one thing that I am always very keen about. the way to define this, according to ponyo, and i paraphrase, was that i should think about having a job that i dont mind waking up to everyday without having to keel over and kill myself. almost immediately, the word "storyboard" fleeted through my mind before "illustration" and "2D". Ponyo said it would be great if i could focus on 2D stuff first before i move forward with the other things I want to do.

what I couldnt clarify to them in time is the project ive come up with for myself that touches on all these 'trades'. in order for me to be certain of what it is that i enjoy doing without being bored and agonized to death, i need to experience it first. it may be unfortunate that it will take a pretty long time (though, thats what the 1 year thing is about) but im pretty sure i kinda have something in mind. there is never something concrete that i can rely on. everything is normally just a rough gauge, a sketch of a plan in my head. the journey is ever changing and its the thing i enjoy the most.

towards the last few sets, i braced myself and picked a spot in between yihua and renqi. as i drew, i was aware of my periphery and tried to observe the antics of these two peers who i look up to a lot. as much as i would like to extract yihua's work ethics, i also want to extract renqi's stroke control. and from pang, i want to take away the critical analysis and breaking down theories — he makes everything appear so simple and acute. it's crazy. theyre all crazy. its critical.

I truly miss school, but i dont miss the academics rule that go along with it. i want to keep learning, to constantly learn to apply the things ive learned without being graded with letters and numbers to determine who stands on top.

whats the point of being at the top but your heart and mind are the dirtiest, lowliest things in the world?

Labels: #suchafah, eventually all these consequences of the world..., how fah rolls, words of wonder

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hey. bb. its not something to worry about. for one, youre not alone in this. there are plenty of people out there, and being stuck in school such as dP makes it even harder.
two, you have to try and differentiate between the regular exhaustion and burnout. right now i feel youre burnout. if panic is no longer part of your nervous system, youre definitely burnt out. many people have their ways to cope but there are some that dont believe in anything until tested. and some methods sound downright ridiculous and rude but its the truth.. like the one im about to share with you.

understand that there are consequences with every action and think about whether you really wanna put yourself through more downfalls. sure, you will definitely not care at all, so at this point this is necessary. dont care at all. let all these negatives eat you. if you dont wanna do anything, dont. because you wont feel good and the work done can only make you feel darker. so let this all sink in.

because what pulled me through was i let all these emotions envelope me. no panic, no feels, just negatives, right, and then i just get sick of it. sick of being all these worthlessness my mind keeps telling me. the things that come back to me are not pleasant because what goes around comes around. so i began to hate it, and that emotion flipped. it took a damn long time because now im stuck a year behind you guys, but its helped me later than never.

i hope you find your release soon. because feeling this much emptiness is very very real. and its very very painful deep inside.

Labels: dear friend, wishing well, words of wonder

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Violent reactions arent necessary, isnt it? The only time violence is overlooked is fr self-defence. Even then, how do you claim self-defence? When your existence and/or well-being is/are challenged? Does it include mental games that test your very sanity, aka well-being? Varying people, different ideas.
It all starts with the state of mind; most definitely a personal preference based off your beliefs and experience. Does this mean it that it's subjective - relative only on a case-by-case basis? That's sad, and it doesnt help that this world is falling into ruing as we begin losing reason about everything that the Sun touches..

Violence is especially brutal in the form of words. Im a firm believer of the power of the human soul, the essence of will power. To get your spiritual manna affected is to be weakened in the mind. Punches dont reach the mind as apocalyptical as words do. Words hurt - a lot. Energy dissipates once the self-perceived balance is breached. Like rejection, the counter-attack form of energy might take a very long time to muster. The reason why some people hurt, so damn bad sometimes, is crystal clear. Expectations - the perceived harmless version of greed.

Humans are easy creatures. Easy, because we're weak. God created us as such so that we'd come back to fall on him, to rely on him to strengthen our spirits. God is great that way. Allah is so great, so powerful. You cant deny that. But he's also told us, if not taught us, that we have t rely on ourselves first. We are weak, but we can be strong too. We are to do ourselves first before doing others; that is the ideal 'balance'.

So then, how valid is a 'violent reaction' in the rules of the world if we allow ourselves to do us first? 

Labels: how now brown cow, issues, why I think that I think of things like these, words of wonder

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Babe have you contemplated suicide before?
uhuhhh.

Ok so is it recent or ongoing or way in the past and for how long or was it on and off
specifically two years back, in 2013. it was a frequent thought then.

Ok and do you happen to know the fuels to your contemplation? And what were some of the ways you intended to commit suicide?
i definitely resent the idea of cutting myself or anything that meant physical self harm. if ywanna do it, do it fast and do it sure. i forgot which was more vivid a thought, drowning or jumping off my room window (because im on the 9th floor) but it was these two pingpong-ing in my head.
fuel was, at that time, i felt small and worthless. i didnt know what i was doing and who i was. it was a period of time where i was lost as an individual, constantly doubting and testing everyone and everything to its limit.

Do you feel it was a waste of your years and wish you didn't have to experience it?
Was or were there specific cluster of people who made you feel that way or circumstances and was it one off or a couple of them combined?
Also, looking back, do you think you really wanted to commit suicide or in reality, you really just wanted to be saved?
Did you ever discuss your suicidal plans openly? And did you ever express you true emotional struggles with anyone or bottle them up causing you to feel depressed and suicidal?
i think everyone definitely faces a lowest, darkest point in their life to - exactly - be saved. the best part? you are your own hero, yjust need them haters and cheers to challenge your own spirit.

of course, the greatest impact of strength and weakness to me, the people most important, are my family. everything starts from home. and yourself.
at that point of time, i was done. ive had it. my family was the biggest part that broke me, and then saved me.
suicide is a mental issue. only those who truly are death-deep /pardon the pun/ know how dark a place it is. im not an advocate of open suicide checks. i dont take them seriously, im sorry.

if you need attention, work fr it. find ways to put yourself in the limelight of cheers and love. not anything else.
where /true/ suicide is concerned, its either only one small group or one person who knows - and i feel these suiciders are those who still had at least 1percent of hope saved up til the last moment. those that dont even leave any trace behind, not even a note, know inside themselves that its done.
in general, i bottle them up cos i know people dont take me seriously. so many posers insult all these people who need immediate help.

ive only told to two: my diary, and a good friend who /actually/ has barely no significant part of my suicidal rant rampage nor my recovery.
the only thing that can help is within yourself, your own spirit. without your spirit, not even religion can help.

Sorry Fah but do you mind listing some occurrences that added to your turmoil? IF YOU DON'T WANNA SAY ITS TOTALLY FINE!
I know you've told me bits before but I'm tryna personify. You can totally say no. Also, if youre willing, do you know anyone who has committed suicide before?
hmmm that ones difficult im too lazy to search thru my blog fr the specific post HAHAHA
but i guess the frequent relation to my siblings faring and needing better than i do, and that my parents allegedly favour them more was the reason i had a major self-conflict which led to the depression post-poly.
its normal stuff tho, but very mean like, whatever they ask they get. i cant even ask fr a new pair of runningshoes. i had to work fr it, and when i do and i obviously earned it, they say i waste money and i dont know how to save. i feel unappreciated and unloved as my parents' child growing up as the eldest to be independent. when i wanna grow, they hold me back claiming im arrogant and ungrateful. but when i refer to them they claim my age and how im still stealing frm them. joke man.
i know a group of people in depression, quite a critical stage and theyre diagnosed with prescribed medication. theyre out of harms way but it lingers on occasions. i still have a few with thoughts. i know friends of friends have passed because of it.

i can only recall 1 friend i know who caved in to jumping. ###

ok Fah, I know I'm probing a lot right now and if you don't wanna share it is totally ok I understand because it is a personal issue. The thing is, I'm having personas under 2 sets of suicide facets, survivals and those who really achieved suicide. Would you then mind giving me an insight into your friend who passed? A bit about his/her bg, if she spoke openly, how many time has she attempted, who were the triggers, any notes left behind etc.
I repeat, you really do not need to share this with me. Just tell me if you're not comfortable I totally accept it. Also, where possible to add on, have you yourself attempted? how many times and what were the methods?
hahaha i dont mind b. because the friend who passed was a strong person. he was so strong that when i got to know he really managed and did it, i felt relieved.

because you see, suicide is not always to mourn the loss. it takes a lot of guts and courage to take that last step, the last swallow, last push. if anything, they were in a lot of pain and it has finally ended. death is a constant; theyve only decided to hasten that. its bad for us, but good fr them, yknow? cheer and live on with their memory.

for my friend, he had it all. it was sad because he had it all, and then life felt stagnant fr him. he didnt feel like anythings getting better, like he couldnt do anything about it. he had been the life of the party, a sensitive thug. he became an asshole because negativity pulled thru and he ended up really hurting people when he never did. his nightmares came true. people tried to help him but they were all sweet words. i dont joke. i tell it to peoples faces because reality's honesty is straight up respect. i still practice this mentality and speech to today: because whatever it is, you rule yourself. you know the truth beyond truths. the problem is there. you work to get it better and you wait out. cant please everyone, so work fr yourself. wallow in your self pity fr however long you need. its only human. you will get sick of yourself moping like you get sick of mainstream pop. then your body will work first, to get moving, up to your brain. your soul is damaged, working on autopilot. if your heart still lives to fight, your spirit pulls through. then youll change and be stronger and wiser.

its a lot of content im trying to condense im sorry D: and i digress. he contemplated twice, i know, with pills. months back tho. when he jumped, ive last talked to him a few nights before - singing last songs and joking of funeral songs. i didnt know. he left and i was crushed. i moped fr days, remembering his strengths and how i claimed he lost his balls. and then i realised no. im wrong. he was strongest then. i was 3 of his confidants, as far as i know. to the world, there was no trigger. to us, the world was his trigger. i dont recall notes b.
i havent attempted, unless you count reckless jaywalks on purpose fr kicks. HAHAHAHA but ya, never tried. it was a one-shot fr me. do it and do it right. if nt dont bother, cos landing in hospital on life support is the worst. the pain shouldnt last to linger too long. defeats the point of suicide. /shrugs/

If you don't mind me asking could I have one or two triggers? And did he have a full family or divorced parents and any illnesses? Sorry to hear about your friend btw ): My heart really goes out to him.
mmm its difficult to point triggers cos its such a safe environment fr him. not trying t say hes the 'it' guy ywanna hang with - cos to me he wasnt - but thats how it was. hes surrounded by people all the time he feels suffocated by leagues. yknow, society's labels?

if self-disappointment can be a trigger, use that term bb. i cant help identifying cos we never knew. his family was whole. nice and loving but living life like expats in local grounds is a nightmare only chained richess will know. D: he was as healthy as my little pony. sure, weed and drugs on-off but it comes with the class/league, yknow.
i think we know get a gist of what kind of person he was right? haha tho the only thing im really left open was his trigger.

Yes I have everything I need now:)
Thank you so much Fah this really helps me a lot.

# # #

the questionnaire was based on a good friend's project relating to something about death by design. this is the first time ive been close to accurate details on my darkest year in my life and it was a relishing moment to know that ive been there and overcome. if youve read all the way to the finish, i congratulate you and i sincerely thankyou. i hope now things are much clearer on the aspects of my perspectives in life and death. Cheers!

Labels: #suchafah, cheer up; you know im always on your back, how fah rolls, thank you, this is the world we live in, this is why, words of wonder

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I can totally hear Genesis/Gackt talking to me. I feel so.. omg today. naziwenjian ah, you three should know yes? :D Shh! Im very happy and overjoyed today. Two reasons. One, CUTENESS! Two, I found LOVELESS ACT POEM! HAHAHAHA yay me! I am awesome manz! :D Okay, Im tired. I will go sleep first. (:

Happy 3rd Day of fasting! :D

Labels: and so goodbye :), e-c ♥, failure :D, in loving memory, monologue, random, words, words of love (:, words of wonder

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I just love listening - to voices of people who are sexy and musically beautiful. I love the likes of Tara Strong, who can voice just anything, from Boys, to Girls, and even Aliens! Ha.

And then there's the hot and sexy Dante Basco, who'd condone to voicing my dear lovely Zuko's.

So, here are some list of the cast voices I really adore. (when you click, youre transported to the voicer). :D Maybe you'd love to check them out yourselves, cos I, apparently, do, and fell in love? :D

Robin (Teen Titans)
Raven (TT)
Starfire (TT)
Beast Boy (TT)
Cloud Strife (FF)1
Tyki Mikk (DGM)
Lavi (DGM)

Singers &Vocalist, I adore, love and regardless constantly having made me hypnotised just by hearing their voices are aplenty. Here are the ones who get me stuck to them. :)

Hideki (SIAM SHADE)
hide-sama (X JAPAN)
Toshi (X JAPAN)
Takuya (UVERworld)
Yui Makino
Maaya Sakamoto

Amy Winehouse
Amy Lynn Hartzler
Demi
Chester (LP)
Mike (LP)
Matthew "M. Shadows" (A7X)
Bill (Tokio Hotel)

Matt Davies & Matthew Evans (Funeral For a Friend)
Martin Bennett Johnson (Boys Like Girls)

& inaugural vocalists of 4C'08, (including myself);
4C: Class Choir! :D
ChihPeng
HongWei
Syai
Marilou
Nam

JiaLi
(backing only lo. she whisper, never sing. LOL)

I have others, but I dont remember them much now. So.. wait for it! :DDD

So, uh, is my voice as sexy? :D I sometimes think I do have a shemale instinct. I dont know why I have this habit of lowering my voice whenever Im talking to someone older. Hahaha! It gets on my nerves and when I tried to neutralise my voice, it gets back to the low tone. HAHA!

So, there. Oh, I love Zuko. If only he's real. Pfft.
Go watch Avatar! and then I'll go complete my assignments, which is like a mini Mount Everest. ._.

Labels: words of wonder

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okay, i am officially pissed with my blog. its so _, and _, and _. plus _ that it just _, and _, and _, and _! ._. im sorry for being a baby(?) its just that theres nothing to talk about that i can remember, and it pains me. i cant write about my fantasies, it will piss yous off. but i can dont care right? but i didnt, cus i dont want to. besides, im trying to come up with proses from my imagination, but im not in th zone right now. so currently, lets just, hehh, say goodbye.


kala, happy chalet day ystd! :) dont cry, dont worry. i did have fun even though it was like, what, two hours? haha. and yes, thank you. :D for the invitation and all. dont be angry, you have you have fun. if only i stayed, it wouldve been better right? =/ im sorry for not staying. the drive-in-the-cab home was so miserable. :( i missed everyone i just met (j-min xing ying, lip boon, cheong mun, etc.) sigh. end of year, before you leave (ahem) id want another chalet, and its only for the very few of us okay.. so we can enjoy top-notch entertainment without public interference from unknown-unearthly people. :) i love kayyy.

syai, dont worry, nothing will happen. im here, and so is the clique. dont think too much. you know me, i will blurt out any truth that will require your knowledge(?) so chill. its okay, everyone has those days yknow. :D stay strong, thats all im saying. those people, naw, those animals, they dont deserve none any good attention and care from you anymore. so just be it. :DDD

sis, i dont care whether you read this post or not, so long as i clearly define my problems with you that is all im looking for. stop being a bitch. i know ive been what you are before, but im not as merciless as you are. dont you feel the slightest guilt towards mum and dad? hello, you are aliff's ideal idol okay. since he doesnt look up to me anymore, hes looking up on you. make a freaking good example lar, please. put on your cosplay-wear after youve settled your education. stop dreaming and start studying. stop ignoring and start accepting. stop denying and start admitting. you are no longer that little sister ive always (indirectly) dote on anymore. youre just another plain bitch down there on the streets. im not bringing your friends into this cus this aint about them. its about you. start knowing and set your priorities right. family never leaves your top-notch first-hand importance, you understand? i know mum and dad dont understand, but i do, dont i? at least i try. you just never seem to realize it but i hope you do. cus everytime i ask about you, you just dont care and told me to shut up and leave you alone. i did just that, i just waited for something like that to happen to you. now that it has, im happy, and im waiting.


is it me, or is there too much hate in this world?

Labels: random, words of wonder

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