theres many things to do so, keep pace babe. keep pace.
I went to see the offices today. the one at Bukit Batok's Heng Loong Building with Aloysius Wee and Pioneer Centre with Sandy. The one with Aloysius is between 850-950/mth. theyre corner rooms with large windows — SGD850 is a room upstairs with windows for walls on 2 sides, facing PIE and neighboring building that is best fit for myself. SGD950 is a room downstairs(?) with window along the length of one side that can be opened, facing neighbouring building and PIE in its blindspot that can fit Randy and I, plus a wild Idah, probably. the one in Pioneer is a little underwhelming cos its still in renovation, so I will have to wait until next week — tentatively the price is between 300-500 range. in the meantime I think so far so good, I have a better idea of the spaces available.

Also because of this I am looking harder at the possibility of finding a spot in wework or those community shared spaces, even the one nearer to my house. it does look promising.

끝

Labels: #suchafah, lets do this, such hope very pray much wish so good

.

I know there's an end to us. and I dont mind it. but the way I see it, that bridge is still ways away for us. I'm focusing on what I can give you now for your future. Yes, it's good to have a future in sight. but it shouldn't hinder our progress in the present.

I want us to end on a good note. I want us to be able to depart from each other in the future in a way that bears bountiful fruits and deep meaning, that our relationship had helped us progress individually to such great heights beyond our wildest dreams.

why cut something down when its blooming well? why give up when you're halfway there? why walk away when a solution is always possible?

why stay single/alone when you can have every second together with someone, even if apart at times?
reassurance is a given need. time is a given necessity. all the bad is a necessary balance for the good to last. love is a necessary choice that you wake up to consciously.

if you truly walk away from me, then forever hold your peace. I will be sad, but I'll be fine knowing that you believe I have nothing left to share with you, and you for me.

because there's always something there. there is always something to do. if you feel. enough for it, if you want it enough, you'll find a way towards it. to have it. to keep it. to protect it.

I'll leave this here.

Labels: dreaming of dreams, happy is good, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good

.

My tumblr art page is ready. My instagram art page is ready. All that is left is to get to work, pair the words with the visuals, and I'm on my way to conquering the internet one way or another. Im not letting myself think too much, just gonna go for it and wing it, and then we'll see where the future takes me. To that end, art is clearly something Im passionate about as I live and breathe it. I have to make sure I fulfill the first triplet's visual by end of this month. I cannot drag this on anymore. To be able to move forward, I need to start moving. And fast!

And then maybe I can selit a two-year♥anniversary thingymajig and introduce a new tag to match #pangthepopiah — #fahthegumball! heuheuheu~

# # #

I have to write to CHAT and IMH soon... and then email update to Terence and Jodi by end of the month. With all the Chinese New Year buzz going around at the moment, I figure I still have another few more days — probably three more days lol I have to email them out by Monday morning! At least then I can anticipate a response by the end of the month with evidence to boot!! Dropping by Tatak's place to see tatak and nis today made me very happy. I get to hang out and spend time with the sisters (and brother, cos Yasin!) I never had. Im always learning, always sharing, when Im around them and its all just good vibes. I luvvv it~ ♥

# # #

There was bitterness when zakk casually texted me again. It's hard for me because on the 18th December 2017, she had abandoned me when I was melting down. She had abandoned me that one time I needed her help. She told me to ignore the voices in my head when it was already crawling all over my head, taking over my body. She had abandoned me — so did I. But I hadnt told her that I wanted her out, and I dont know if I even want to. All this time, it feels as though Im only there for her to use me whenever. Sure, there are days where I feel appreciated — Avenged Sevenfold concert is one big favour — but even then she's toxic in a way that I feel I cannot move forward. The location is never an excuse. I am from this side of singapore that is ten minutes away from tuas' second link, and I have repeatedly traveled to her place countless times. She cant do the same for me, and it's the one thing I really cannot swallow.

And then on the 18th Dec, she told me to ignore the very voices that almost drove me out of my own mind — in front of my brother, at that! — that was the last straw! How much of a help has she been in my life? I can count in my one hand!

Then now she texts me back. To selit a job opportunity. I pray hope she never used my name to get in. Some things never change. But if this is her idea of change, for herself, then okay. Finally. A proper effort from her. But never would I want to be invested in her anymore.

The people who matter are so few now — since late October 2017, the trials and tribulations Allah has put forth for me was so overwhelming. At the end of it all, the cause and cure was myself and Him. The complex that I am too embarrassed to share is all Him. And now, these few that still remain, are all I have left of myself that I once so easily shared with people. I am precious, and I will keep most of myself for myself.

# # #

This emotional high is mellow. It's the flu medication, forcing me to sleep to calm the soreness in my throat. I feel empty. Like, I literally feel the emptiness. The quiet throb in my head, the cotton-like stinging on the tips of my fingers, the ache on my lower back that nibbles up my spine. That is my emptiness. And today, as I type them down, I realize that this emptiness is a kind of fail-safe.

I'm resetting the way I brace myself for impact. I am forgetting things. On Purpose! The hair on my arms and back are standing as I type this down. That just proves my theory right.

I love my body, and I trust it with all my heart. And soul.

Right now, my soul is telling me to calm down and pick things up again. This emptiness, this forcing myself to forget — inadvertently letting go — should be a routine as mindless as breathing. Im almost there! The last bit is finding the middle line when it comes to my family... when it comes to mum. Im doing good so far yey! So, carry on! Bring on the steady pace!!

Labels: #suchafah, all is well, fah the gumball, pang the popiah, serious business, such hope very pray much wish so good, the top priorities and golden things, this is (really) exciting

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The email came in the morning and I dont know what to feel about it because no fear just lots of eye-rolling from me from all the contradiction and untruths. Moving on~

I felt like shit at work today. It was crazy ー I only wanted to see the kids today. I dont appreciate niese's company. Her way of coming off as friendly to me is rubbed the wrong way. Also, she's the walking horn of sxrina's double-standards ー her slack worku, her charged methods of teaching, her comments on student's behavior with parents which is not feedback standard but she's excused. Erm, what?! Yeah, so I dont want to have anything to do with her more than I do with sxrina. They're all really difficult to read, actually.

Or maybe Im just done with them.

I came home, feeling like shit from all the mental drain and thanked Allah fr a beautifully ravaging mum ー she prepared her version of the indian's butter chicken dish. It's more salted egg sans egg, really. There's definitely the butter in it. Famished, I devoured my 2 servings as I continue reading the last chapters of Magic's Hour of Devastation. Review: I am destroyed. With a full tummy, splitting headache from mental exhaustion and forced reading-turn-nightmare, I took a nap. It was 3:45PM.

Some dreams, if you wake up remembering them, make you feel like you didnt really sleep, yknow? I've had plenty of those before, and this one was no different. I woke up remembering the last seconds and felt even more fatigued. The good part was my headache was gone. Sort of. It's 8:30PM. Parched, I went to get some sweet drink from the kitchen. Then I popped my head in to brother's room to see what he was up to.

He started telling me about his test scores, and I have nothing but gratitude and pride. Gratitude in his girlfriend ー we call her Bunny ー fr challenging and making him reflect on his mistakes in choices and priorities. The brother now knows what he has to do to 'get back on track', and Bunny's personal plight has sought out the hero in my brother thats laid dormant since he left primary school.

Yes, Im talking about my brother that is currently 15 years old.

He's smart, he's great. He knows it. But in life, there's always someone better than you. As a guy though, if your girlfriend is far too good for you that's a problem for your ego. Brother knows the things I see in Pang ー the good, the bad, the lazy ー and he strives to be at least as good as Pang. To him, Paps's his number 1 hero and Pang's his older brother. So, when his Bunny's actually the top 10 star in school, good in studies, great in sports, excellent personality, he knows he's losing out ー he doesnt want to fail his hero and big brother, and his Bunny.

Brother and I started talking his next steps. Im the push-and-pull for him, whether he knows it or not. When he tells me he's still aiming fr an e-sports career, I let him know that I've got his back. But that dont mean he can forego his education because believe it or not, the things he study do matter in the long run. Especially now, that he's in NA but wants to jump to poly, he's got a lot to work on. His momentum got lost in secondary 1 and 2, and now he has to do double time. Initially he told me he's gonna stop playing his game when he comes to poly. The reality checker in me tells him to stop dreaming.

You cant stop gaming if you want to excel in your e-sports dream. Even if you wish it, that's a lot of willpower youre conjuring to keep your end of the bargain.

If he really wants to keep to it, I say go ahead. Im more than happy if he manages. But the underlying truth is, the safety net I've got for him is to game at most once a week. You cant just study and forget to have fun. You have to escape. I take example from Pang. You keep working, you gon' go mad. Keep your play going, but control the balance.

Brother's aware of his lack of balance between work and play. Simple: his priority is game, so his motto should be 'Game hard, Work harder', and vice versa. Switch it up when you need to. He sees it, he understands, so he'll put it to practice from tonight. Then we start planning fr his Poly jump. I have contingency plans fr him should he fall into ITE but he suddenly tells me that he doesnt wanna go ITE.

ITE aint half bad, I told him, but Im mad proud he wants to fly higher and faster. He say it's cos of Bunny. I beamed in my still-groggy state, his sheepish smile covered by his struggle to cut his toenails.

Im impressed. Hes looking forward so far into the future with Bunny through Poly. Bunny wishes to go to SP's Accounting, and she definitely can, so Brother's aiming fr SP too. We discussed his plans and routes, and it's going great so far. I have nothing but pride and joy fr my brother right now.

It's amazing how people can grow and change because of circumstances and their partners. Im grateful that I've got Pang, and Brother's got Bunny. If the world's aware of how much good being good to yourself and others, how much love can bring so many good things, that'd be great. I wish fr this positivity to keep going.. that we better ourselves fr our partners, our family, ourselves. Oh, the magic that can happen.

Of course, thats the naivety in me talking. :3 

Labels: sibling rivalry, such hope very pray much wish so good, the brother, this is (really) exciting, yesssss

.

I blame Keane for bringing out the extreme emotion in me tonight. I accidentally flipped on Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" and all these emotions and thoughts start engulfing me. I dont blame it. Tonight's been good. It was only a few hours with my love, rushing about, but it was good. Even in the rush, I could still see him clearly.

Maybe it was Redmond, but Pang feels a lot better now. The purple aura around him has greatly subsided. maybe it's because of Magic:The Gathering's guild colours, maybe it's truly him, but pang's got a lot of blue and yellow going on now. I guess I can say I see some pinks, but it's still predominantly purple. some change is change regardless. some change is good.

From the instant I saw him at the airport after 3months, the first contact of his hands, the lines on his face, the gentleness of his kiss and his touch, it was very different. The distance has helped. I felt even stronger because of it, and I was certain he's brought about a different providence. It didnt matter to me anymore, that he had spent great and awful times without me for 3months — in those times, he learnt and he grew. He's better prepared for things not yet planned, but he's also embraced the imperfections all around. Embrace, or let up expecting from imperfections that cannot be changed. Pang's gotten used to the idea of sacrifice that there's a new vulnerability to him that I seek to protect.

Maybe it's because of Keane, but I got really emotional after reaching home tonight. I shared Keane's youtube playlist on facebook and fifi reached me on whatsapp. We started going on about our usual deeper thoughts. The difference this time was my adamant lay down of wanting to let him know — letting someone know — that I have been very prepared to move forward to the next chapter with Pang. I had been very certain 6months in, and it hasnt changed. Albeit, so did the unchanging fear. That one fear that I will always hold on to. That one fear that ensures I have my feet down, my reality check. The fear of my parents not accepting the plans I see for Pang and I because of religion. To be honest, I may be willing to move forward, but I may not necessarily be ready. Im still so young and naive, tired out from all the needless battles growing up has put me through — the process of adulting. Today's main beef was in the afternoon with mam: she told me to get working already since everyone has already got a job and I need to secure my finances (for the family and for me). note: the sister is still at home at this time, sleeping. another note: mam never worked the moment she married paps. calculative me has speculated enough, my working experience right at this moment is more than both the sister and mam combined. she dont get no say in this. so I pretended she didnt say anything and went to my room. Extremely annoyed, but I couldnt pray cos I still wasnt clean.

You see, money isnt the problem. It can be earned. Knowledge and experience are far more important. These are wise words said by so many people: even paps and Pang has said so. Theres a saying about how you'd want a partner that resembles your dad cos fathers are your first boyfriends (for the fortunate ones to have a father. next best thing are the father figures, and some are actually better than biological dads.) So I dont get the fuss mam keeps pulling on me about money. I aim to secure a full-time job by the end of the year, or early next year, with Wabbit. Even then, I'd still like to invest part of my time creating art, ensuring that my dream of following into part of Loish's footsteps come true; the selling art and publishing books part. If I dont have automatic CPF input, I'll do it manually. It's always better to have liquid assets on hand because interest rates can get pretty perplexing — at least to me. I would like to move out of Singapore too, to be honest. So Im not keen on investing too much except for the sake of my parents. So, money and CPF arent a problem.

Religion is.

Now, I dont think I need to get into the thick of it right now. But the conversation I've just had with fifi found ourselves in agreement. The conservative culture lies in just that: our culture. It's not religion. It's not our Gods and Prophets. It's us. It's humans. Religion is a guide for us, because the divine know that humans are extremely flawed. The rules adhere to strong language for the Gods were certain that humans can only be convinced in one way: fear. And boy, do They know it. Humans fear of losing, fear of pain, fear of every negative thing in the world done unto them. Yet, humans produce and verbalize the exact same thing they hate. It's not surprising that now, in this generation and age, the believe and faith in a religion is dwindling at an alarming rate. People preach religion, yet they leave out the love and peace every. single. religion. actually advocates and strives for. It seems that, for the majority, the culture has become their religion. Being Malay does not always equate to being a Muslim, but it has become so. Im proud to be a Muslim, but so many have tainted and misunderstood the holy Quran's words, Allah's words, that I've lost trust in man to guide me to better understand its meaning. At least, I should start looking harder for reliable, trustworthy people. Maybe, if I go to the cemeteries, I'll be able to meet those people. It's too bad that a lot of great people have passed. God surely loves them more, and wishes to protect them from the toxicity of a dying race called humans.

The point is, I am willing to move forward. I may not be financially ready, but I am willing to step beyond the boundary of my safety and comfort. Im sick of being pulled back by parents, by rules, by words that dont mean a thing except to prove the contradiction that takes place immediately after, the double standard that hurts me more than anything else. I missed my younger self where I didnt understand the existence of inhibitions, where I had truly yo-lo to the maximum extent I was initially unaware of, where I could stand my ground and say no because I didnt want to. I missed the times where I could be selfish without any consequences.

What's the point of this post again?

I dont care what is it, I dont need no damn marriage. I just need Pang to be with me 's all.

Labels: #suchafah, all my feels, how do we deal with this, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good, this is the world we live in

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throwback photo from the natural history museum
thank you dear for coming back ♥ the thing going on with your hair yesterday (as with the past 3months) made me go on a little stupid frenzy inside; you looked really good with a lengthy fringe hehehe thank you too sparing a bit more energy to go meet up with tian for lunch, and to accompany me on my purposeful 15dollars shopping spree at ikea@alexandra. i really appreciate it. only God knows how much I love you huhuhu ♥ for the record, I still cant declare my love regardless of the method without tearing like a pathetic pussy. Cant help this girl from feeling so full and grateful and thankful and lucky. yeahp, still counting my stars; dont matter if my stars are black :3 ♥


Friday today began with a pretty bitter afternoon out with my mum, aunt and gramma for lunch (which was pretty ugly because of the tiresome personalities). I have to work later and it feels like such a sucky situation — Im reconsidering backing out of the Friday class from September onwards. I am leaving in December so I guess it wouldnt hurt. plus teacher sxrina's moodswings are so temperamental that I dont want to deal with a kid-grownup. she doesnt give me the chance nor trust, not even the confidence in me so Im pretty good with walking away in December. it's the rigid and strict rules of the school. I pray hope MOE approves of my instructor certification soon. I clearly belong in a camp, not in a rigid classroom. the only plus thing for Friday that i would like to know is whether sxrina's leave or off-day is fixed on that day, and see if teacher syaza is worth my emotional drain. otherwise, no amount of money is worth my sanity and energy.
So I return home a little dreadful. Lazy. Terrified. and then I see a parcel on my bed, and I immediately knew that it's my Ghana25 thread :3 thanks ethnotek, for your constant drive and service to provide for the artisans all over the world! my Friday's a little better now :3

Labels: ethnotek, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good, whoa piang, yesssss

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today's teaching session only goes to show how much im still lacking especially if its something about relaying drawing creation.

i failed to understand that i should provide every possible guidance, even if it means i have to draw out the dotted lines fr them.

teacher sxrina said that im a good teacher, that the students enjoy being in my class because i can communicate with them well. however, im still unable to reach the levels of mary, sab and syaf because of one thing ー

my inability to set the standard fr the class.

and that is due to my lack of firmness while communicating with them. while some of her statements dont ring true about the way i appear to be in class, the jackpot point was when she identified that i do my own work and wait around fr them. because of that, the students cant keep up which causes me to rush the last minutes, ultimately causing to always overrun my sessions til now.

due to last week's mess, teacher sxrina's confidence in me might have dropped significantly. she said that im primarily taking the morning class because the afternoon slots are full. does that mean she actually wouldnt want me to teach? she had to lump me with the likes of ashlxnn to put things into perspective ー that ashlxnn had difficulty with a class when no one else had. she also had to reiterate that its extremely important fr me to not only possess a firmer tone, but also to draw the line between things fr my own sake. in both the professional line and personal life.

i believe i need to improve and understand a little more on my approach to conducting a more conducive class. i feel like im slowly getting there, but its still a long way to go. i look up to ms mas from secondary school so much, so i should channel her energy into the way i conduct the class as well. as for being firmer, i dont enjoy restricting others. however, it's only going to get worse if i dont practice a stricter output.

keep going uh!

Labels: such hope very pray much wish so good, teacher fah, the level of difficult is nope

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1. many things to do
i. web comic
ii. illustration packs
iii. animation reel

2. le big baby's coming home soon
i. standby his tamtams (a trip down to giant!)
ii. standby a new replaced-favourite penknife (a trip down to artfriend!! :3)
iii. hehe another surprise (hoping to make it in time lel)

3. theres still a less than half a year to go til 2017 ends!!
i. need to settle the issue about work
ii. slowly settle myself into a healthy routine of work and play and relaxxx
iii. i need to end 2017 with an above average 4-digit number; currently failing miserably

# # # #

TEEHEE SUBSEQUENT PHOTOS ARE THE RESULT OF HARD STALKING. SHOUT OUT TO THE ASSHOLE FOR DOCUMENTING SUCH SPECTACULAR PHOTOS OF MY MAN and nature too ♥ ♥ ♥ my girly heart is happy~ the photos are from their trip to Mount Rainier.





also, for adorable videos of my boo, click here and here hehehe
k til next time, the stalking adventure of fah for pang's adventure!!



p.s. i love me; i really appreciate me doing that triple face of pang fr myself HAHAHA im hilarious :3
p.p.s. look after yourself too okay dear. even if you have to do things alone, it's fine. if not you, who else, right? things will get easier for you in due time xoxo

Labels: #suchafah, dreaming of dreams, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good, till I can get my satisfaction, well now, yesssss

.

it's not like i dont get it, you see. my parents' worries are valid because im not their brightest child, credential-wise. they cant trust my street mind cos theyve never witnessed it ー them not approving of my outside-of-home persona doesnt make things any better.

so yes, my parents are worried that i wont make it in life. i dont want to 'make it' in life. i want to make my life. i take pride in the struggles and obstacles that i have and will continue to overcome. it's a sign of growth, it's how im making my life. im not just about the finances of an individual, im also about stability as an individual.

anyone can make money. this is a truth not many can acknowledge. there are nasty people working in great companies, why? cos of the money. theyre doing it just because. theyve formed a routine and they can last so long cos there's just nothing better fr them to do. (of course this is a heavily biased and prejudice statement dont quote me hahah)

i dont want to be stuck on a routine that im not gonna be happy about in the long run. i want to earn my money in a way that i know best, in a way that im certain i deserve. ive tried and tested them, and i know my path. i give my life to the arts, and its only normal i receive it from the same source in multiple ways imaginable.. money and exceptional gratitude in change.

i always surprise myself when i get results. its really gratifying to know my hard work's paid off.. especially if it's brought about positive change to an individual. i want to make change, and i guess Allah's brought me on to this path...

through art and design.. and teaching.

so, i'll try and make it work fr now, even if my parents' unpleasantries will carry on. my only challenge to them is, ive finally got a job. 3 freelance jobs. theyre not full-time jobs, because i still want the freedom to touch-and-go. physically speaking, each of the freelance jobs offer me different art forms, but theyre equally as draining. im doing what im doing now because theyre all the things i want to do. im doing what im doing now to see which one will work out best fr me in the long-term. i still have my personal goals to accomplish, and i want to be able to make it. and i need to start now, start really really small. financially speaking, it'll be enough fr me cash-on-hand. CPF will only count once ive passed the $500/month quota fr a freelancer. this was the norm, though i've to double check with 'Jim' or Anna again. CPF is not my concern. i dont want to focus on something that will definitely happen.

everything in this world is a matter of time. everything. everything that happens big and small. everything that grows, that dies, that increases and then decreases.. it's all a matter of time.

look farther ahead. there will always be options. it's only a matter of time.

Labels: #notetoself, #priorities, #suchafah, dear parents, i'll keep trying, such hope very pray much wish so good, this is good, this is more than enough, this is why, you wont understand

.

These past few nights,
sleeping with Giant Tigger
on either empty sides,
got me growin' a lil' weaker.

It's not that Im upset with anyone
anymore than I am most upset with me.
The doubts and fears wont come undone,
the loose ends dead regardless of my plea.

If you're not here,
locally or worldly,
it fuels my fear
incessantly.

I wanna be worth your time
whether you're here or nigh.
You'll always be watching, knowin',
a love always warming, everlastin'.

Striding, carrying all the negativity
I wear my heart on my sleeve again.
Like everyday I'll mean my fragility
until once more, somehow, I stall this pain.

You are my strength, my denial, my sane
and I hope just to be the same,
your loss and your gain.

Whatever we feel I want to remember
to chart down the significance with my other
Together, for the worse and the better,
well, I love you PKL ♥

Labels: literary rhythm, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good

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i do what i do because i love you.
but one must never forget to love themselves first before anything else.

never forget.

Labels: #suchafah, such hope very pray much wish so good

.

i said i wanted to introduce you, to bring you home.
he asked how long already. i said 5 months, and youre chinese.
he asked if we're serious. i said yes.
then he asked what kind of person are you. i said youre a good person.
then he asked if youre working. i said youre working part-time while studying, that youre my classmate in uni.
he asked where youre staying. i said CCK.
he asked if youre the one from the photos. i said yes.
then he asked if we're aware of the religion issue. i said yes.
he then asked me what did i do about it (letting you know). i said its not my place to say cos im a girl, thats why youve to meet my parents, so they can judge and advice us better.
he nodded cos by then we're home.

his tone was indifferent. he immediately went to the toilet to shit after we reached.

a lot of prayers. a lot of hopes.

Labels: pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good

.

I appreciate each and everyday. I pray and send my thanks to You.

From my parents' breath, my morning wake, for food and shelter to the music I have, the technology I detest, even the illnesses that befall me.

Change is constant, and it's a personal effort to make change that only gets better every time.

Labels: can i has this, keep calm and carry fah, such hope very pray much wish so good, yesssss

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yesterday was great. i had you all to myself in school. you had a colourful array of expressions and moments fr me yesterday, and i loved it. what was impressive was that we both brought our sports attire t go running in the afternoon without mentioning anything to each other. even more impressive was our attire, matching green tops of his tank and my dad's sweater/pullover. well, arent we a good match?

my intention was always to sweat out more before i focus on toning or conditioning. i loved the idea of wrapping my torso to run ー that felt like maximum effort to sweat. (of course, i had to swallow my pride when it came t the sweating portion. i might stink pretty bad, but its got to be done. hurr) the plan kinda worked, so im glad. with that said, im gonna start wrapping my torso when working out but this begs a question then, because as an eczema-ridden person, ive to kinda wear cotton stuff clothing, aka my skin's comfortable wear. cotton traps heat so my skin's ventilation might be at risk. additionally, cotton is thick and heavy. it is something that im not very particular abt but it does matter when im working out. so i dont know if i should keep t this or just wear dri-fit material instead. should i go for skin-comfort-less-visual or breatheable-comfort-better-visual? for now, i guess, wrappers for the betters in terms of sweating it out.
i also brought out my new kneeguard, a tighter patella strap protection for my left knee. it worked s'well. my right knee's protection suffices with just the kneeguard wrap.

one warm-up round w Pang. slow jog around the track, but as im the smaller of us duo, i felt my steps quickening. im aware that im going a little faster towards the end but it was my comfortable speed.
so theres that. when im feeling good and comfortable, when my atheletic pains aka knee problems are held well... oh my. i forgot how awesome it felt to run.
running, sprinting... its one of the reasons fr the birth of my pretty girls, my thunder thighs.

but i switched my mode off midway. i allowed myself to be distracted. i know im not supposed t be distracted when i have a goal but i cleared one of two goals fr the day.
though, honestly, how do you not get distracted when a beautiful man is pushing himself to get back t his greater, fitter form. how do you not get distracted when theres a massive team of SP Infinite Frisbee doing their runs, ruthless throwing their forehands and you only wish t be just as good.

how do you not get distracted when your man will never be listed as a distraction? :3

after we ran, i asked fr a milo session at the vending machine. got my cold milo of choice and settled beside you. calm setting, waiting fr the kids to be done w English class to go have dinner. and then suddenly, i was asked a rather painful question.

"when are we getting married?"

i froze, initially from shock ー so im not the only one hoping fr this. i held myself back from kissing you in that moment, cos that would have been a dangerous situation hahahaha all in all, i was really touched, really pleasantly surprised.
but it hurt me because fr you to get to hold me for life, you have t get through my parents. with my parents, theres the necessary topic of religion and i panicked.

i panicked so much that i dont remember what i'd shared you but i know i blabbered a lot. i honestly cant remember. i want to keep my religion, and i want you to keep yours (or your lack of one.) religion is a personal preference. i dont see how anyone can force someone to belief something that takes a soul to submit his/her entire being into. its a system that needs one to grow into, to build a foundation that begins with this and ends with it too.
religion is not something one can easily halfass because, as much as im not that much a religious person, the foundation is with me every step of the way.. nagging at me and pulling my soulstrings. so, yes, halfass is halfass but you can never entirely runaway from it.

religion is a sensitive issue.. just as finances/money matters are. to me, especially.

it is incredibly heartbreaking if this is the reason why Pang and i cant be together. I don't want to be dictated by religion alone. honestly, the worldly episodes humans experience everyday allow us to reach the spirituality level that all them overly religious/righteous community claim to possess. there's a lot of underlying diss in the last parts of that last sentence and if you feel offended, you should - those who claim to be religious, in my books, are very much the people who constantly contradict themselves.

but knowing Pang, he'll let it slide first. he'll take things slow before rushing in and tackling you with surprise attacks from all sides. I love this man, and i truly hope the future has prepared some more beautiful things for us.

Labels: I want this, my love for you (:, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good, this fear, this man my man

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Ive been praying. I'll pray more. I'll pray better. just please answer my prayer(s) and guide me. when Pang stays close, please be closer to me. lets You be the reason my parents and family extended open up to the way I live my life,

because Im tired. and I just want to be happy fr myself. in my name, and Yours, please let there be trust and peace with my name instead of the normalcy that is unnecessary doubt and chaos.

amen.

Labels: #suchafah, I want this, pretty please, such hope very pray much wish so good, thank you, the need to breathe again, this is why

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to those who know me, truly, the word popiah would strike a chord. it's the name i bestowed to my most trusted phone/s since secondary school, the everlasting nokias. Popiah v1, P0P1AH v2, P0P14H v3. all of them nokias. i take pride in my phone's durability, because it takes after my very own characteristics. i believe im as durable as my nokia aft a 4-storey fall. that kind of impact-survivor is what i aim t be. what i can be.

today, i truly believe i have rightfully bestowed the same nickname of truth and power to a dear friend. a lovely man. a beautiful human being. we may not have known each other for long, as compared to sheep and i, but i definitely believe in this. i definitely know 'us'. i dont need us to be given an official whatever, be it status, date or others. as long as i have your hand and you have mine, thats all that matters. this nickname, popiah, is also of love. an endearment that is only fathomable by me. no words can describe it, this emotion i feel. the fluff is so warm, so enlightening that i feel giddy because its so surreal.

love is indeed a dangerous weapon. i have never been so full, ever, in spirit, in soul. my mind has never been this much at ease. i know we may never last, but im not counting on that. i have been living everyday as they are, and so will i even more now. i never knew this is how love feels. i think this is how love is supposed to be. you want better, you do better, you become better in all goodness fr your partner, with your partner. eventually, the loose threads will be put together. it is a wonder how complete i am at the moment despite being so prepared in losing myself. if there were to be a descriptive visual of the way my life is being lived right now, it's that im living with my feet. im living with only my senses. im only living fr me. and yet, this is where i am now. i am with me, and i am with pang. what a lovely picture. love, it is empowering. and it is also deadly. but im prepared, as i have always been, for i have nothing left to lose..

though as of today, as of tonight, the only thing i have to lose is you.

Labels: #suchafah, #verydangerous, #veryprecious, love, pang the popiah, such hope very pray much wish so good, this man my man, when did this happen

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heartbreak isnt easy; but even then i dont classify this as heartbreak-heartbreak. im aware of things, i keep it real. and i also know when to start and stop certain things. unfortunately, the only things that serves as the problem is my mind.

sometimes, i allow my mind to shift things within myself. the power that my mind possess sometimes act on its own without my knowledge. by the time ive come to realized the extent of the ridiculousness, its too late. like how i still cannot define the status of my heart for my vegetable man. i adore him, but i dont adore him. i yearn for him, but i dont yearn him. i love him, but i dont love him. you dig? so when i woke up this late morning to a beautifully quoted picture on instagram, my heart sank but my eyes were alight. i was so happy, and i was so sad. here, my vegetable man has finally found his lady. and here, my vegetable man fantasy has ended for good. im aware of the ending of this story, which btw ends the moment camp ended, so i called this upon myself. meow, bb, i pray and i wish and i only hope for the very best for you and your lady. believe me, im so happy for you. you being happy makes me really happy too :3

it was really nice to have someone you can depend on, to play along with your whims, to have almost been almost on the same telepathy level, to notice you. to look after, to fuss over, to feel for. it was good while it lasted. it's been really good because it was camp. ive said this over and over again but i shall say it again because this is the one truth that i strongly believe in. i love, love, l o v e camps because they bring the best out of people — in many ways than one. crazy thankful to have met all these precious people through school and camps. and, well, life. :3 thankyou for staying with me. to more crazy adventures, emotions and memories with yalls ♥

so, as with every heart ache, whether deserving or not, there will always be the music playlist set on repeat. today, the Veronica's This Love and Cross My Heart are on repeat. Bieber's Sorry is up next, and then we have some korean songs. the fixed lineup are BAP's obviously. lolol


and while im on it, ima re-watch "omoide no marnie/when marnie was here" again. i almost feel like im anna, and marnie is remy who whisks me away on my imaginary journey. i shall go ahead and try to recover from this.. pain? and do my work too. yay.

Labels: #suchafah, matters of the heart, my heart will go on, my precious, such hope very pray much wish so good, these dangerous people

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Kiyo. I realise I dont know much about you. Thank You fr helping me through my darkest year. its still a very hazy memory, what's happened then. Only a handful of people know about you because the topic of "What Happened to Fah that One Year" encompasses a wide variety of memory and emotions.

Youre my emotion, Kiyo.

since you'll be reading this, let me tell you i miss you (again) besides the occassional text messages. Let's Green Tea as soon as I can clear up my space.

Indeed, Im free now, Kiyo. See you soon.

Labels: #suchafah, such hope very pray much wish so good, that one year

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yassin, jayaintut, sif basah, joash savage, mickey and tau. precious juniors. mickey is my 5th (or 6th?!) generation kid. I AM OLD T_T WE SPAN 5 GENERATIONS OMG theres me 2009/10, yassin 2011/12, sif + joash 2013/14, jay + tau 2014/15, aaand mickey's 2015/16. the only two batches representative missing is from a year my junior — ashri's 2010/11 — aaand fifi's 2012/13 lot. such a lovely bunch. it's crazy how much attachment i have with regards to Design School Club. I meet all these bunch of crazy monkeys and theyre so lovely to be around with I just drop my guard and forget im ever their senior. to be honest, im only hanging around, sustaining my presence because it's fun. it's fun to come by and be among these fresh youths that I forget Im ever /this/ old. I get to sit in meetings, play groups and just hang — literally hanging back as I eavesdrop and cackle over petty little disputes and silly jokes from whence I was once like them... once upon a time when it was all five or six years ago, as a freshmen.

and then, as the freshmen grew up, my heart aches a little. surprisingly, I've never gotten tired of it. a very sick way, to some people, in viewing my obsession with the ever evolving club kids is watching them grow up.. caring for them as I would my pets but I cant have them so I settle for these babies instead. and i truly get all warm and fuzzy as I bear witness to their growth. i guess my open-mindedness and openness in general is attractive; im thankful for not being hated by the kids, unlike the 3 and a half names that have been banned from club in my head chey. as of now, im re-evaluating my prolonged welcome and/or return to SD Club. have i overstayed my welcome? can I offer anymore knowledge and tips for the kids? surely they are managing very well on their own. I mean, im not the best DSC member ever in some former OC's books, but I guess it was one of the reasons why liming-senpai maintained his decision for initially requesting me to replace him as Club President before I inevitably left the Main Comm due to social (and racial) disputes that I no longer wanted to be involved with. Club had been ridiculous then, but as the system changed, as the energy improved, so did my earnest heart at coming back to what had been one of my first loves with regards to SP's Design School.

I loved Faris' presence, his empowering energy and receptive aura. I loved Kelly's stupid grin when he finally sees my face, matching to the noise he's heard from the distance. I loved the freedom of mingling from one course to another as I once did, sneaking into the different lectures and studios when DCMD (as it was known back then) was done for the day. I loved the wholeness that Faris and team had worked towards, bonding the Design students very well and introducing Foundation Year to us. I loved a lot of things about Design School. I loved the Design Club. I guess it was something that I just cannot let go of, the one thing that remained strongly.

I guess, a part of me cannot let go, because I had made liming and Faris very proud of the progress of DSC after I left main comm to float as an on-off member. They appreciated my efforts as the behind-the-scenes powerhouse then, bridging more people to hang and participate in DSC events. Of course, not a lot of people can appreciate this, but the handful of us that remained together, remained tight till now. well, almost. I feel very nostalgic tonight. the feels is overwhelming.

images of the transformation of the interior of the club from my seniors' days to the current are flashing through my mind as we speak. KB will be so proud. the Logs team have always been a constant stronghold that I can definitely depend on with no worries ever since KB founded the LOGISTICS TEAMS UNION lolol its an old story though, that didnt last throughout the ages because slack happens lolol


and tonight, we celebrate another asshole's aging day: boy toyol/boy basah. this mafaka is a pain in the ass, and despite the super bad impression and vibe we had of each other on our first meeting, things picked up. it's good to have bad blood before but chilled blood after HAHAHAHA we can talk about all the cocks in the world and still have each other. well, almost. Im a virgin so he's off limits in my space chey. i may hate him, and thats a lot of hate, but i can still feel bubbles as i look on as this boy grow. all the stupidity that is the essence of hasif, is also present in all my boys. they will all grow up, move on and live their lives. some are already struggling; with their identity, their next phase, their dreams, their friends, their strengths and their hearts. I may not be the strongest person in the world, but I am strong enough to have seen through 5 generations of kids — and more, not counting Design School alone. the only thing I know that I can definitely give and provide easily is my heart and their laughs.

lovely laughter means the world to me.

and tonight, it's not just a night for sif. it's a night for this circle of friends. i can rely on them for a lot of things, and they can rely on me too. age is just a number, because if you dont have a heart you havent been living and you cant count jack because life has been not worth living. i feel sad for those people. may they get to see their light soon.

i dont know how i will ever cope without DSC. its a bittersweet thing to be back in SP for another 3 to 4 years — but im deeply grateful to be back. I miss the kids every day, and I will do my best every day to make sure I get to stay with them for the rest of our lives.

Labels: #suchafah, design school club, love, my heart will go on, on nights like these, such hope very pray much wish so good, these boys, these dangerous people

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Paps touched down this morning at about 6AM. I was supposed to go along to fetch him home with Mam.. my Saturday was supposed to be a busy one. Plans were made, I had to go places and meet up with people. unfortunately, because yesterday I had slept late and felt a little too sick from food coma — the lethargy just piled up from all that lack of sleep and busying myself with life — that I was down with exhaustion-fever. so in bed I stayed. cancelled all my plans. super bummed out that the only thing i could do was browse through mangas and do up this post.
what did I miss? what could have been my virgin POP experience thanks to Fifi, Gacko and Sam which would have been the first ever event to host POP at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. after that, I was supposed to be at Khatib for paintball session with my Hydra1 kids from August's SSO before meeting Qi Yin to go recce ArtFriend and ArtMark in Bras Basah for chalk markers for SIT SLD's Mural Project. SIGH. I had been looking forward to this weekend but lethargy and the lack of sleep was overwhelming. I didnt want to leave the house without my usual mentality of goodness so I opted to stay home instead and let disappoint lie rampant in the hearts of those who had been expecting me. or not. /shrugs/

A NORMAL POST THIS SHALL BE and now Im in the midst of catching up on One Piece as well as other manga titles that I have missed. Updates after updates but assignments after assignments drowned me out in a sea of pain from my head down to my toes.

A week ago or so, while I was at home, Paps dropped a call. Lately, Mam and Paps have appeared very close and theyre both very happy. I can only look on with what tenderness a young, virgin daughter can muster. Sometimes Mam and Paps can talk hours on end on the phone when Paps is free from work. So that day was like very other day. Casually, I had made my way to the kitchen to grab a drink when Mam called me over to speak with Paps. I couldnt register Paps intention when he asked me about the Bengal Cats advertised on Facebook. I had told him that I thought they were fake so I didnt click on them. Paps shocked me when he said he's thinking of getting one. Yeah, Paps is interested in adopting a Bengal Kitten. Stunned, happy, defensive.. I didnt know what I was feeling but my mind was all about "But Ma doesnt like pets at all". I voiced out my thoughts to him and Paps, as usual, told me not to worry. I dont, but Im not very hopeful either. Passed back the phone to Mam and carried on with what I was doing.


Do you know how long I have wished for a pet cat/kitten? And then Paps comes in and blasts me with such amazing news. Sure I'll support if this means he cuts down his visits to see his boat, or even fishing, but who am I to stop my old man from being happy. His sudden outburst for a kitten, a Bengal one at that, was almost too good to be true. I didnt ask what triggered such happy thoughts, but didnt wanna ask how much it costs either.

As far as I know, even without needing Google to search for information on these Bengal cats for me, Im well aware that they are a special breed. It's domestic cats meet wild, big cats. Such specialized breeding, even if not manually done, is really exquisite. Therefore, expensive. I think Paps should be well aware of this too, but since its his word, I'll leave it to him. /shrugs/

I pray that in my next life, Im either a well-off Russian Blue or Bengal. Either way, I be a fine feline goddess. :3

Labels: happy, how fah rolls, such hope very pray much wish so good, well now

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