Tuesday, May 06, 2014, 11:59 am Β·
the first night
the first night
he strained his neck, stretching out the best he could to look at something which passed him behind. he coiled back, breathed, and steady his gaze again. coming down from the mini-bus, the boys walked into the building and into the dark setting.
after their second rehearsal stage was done, he felt his strength leave again. this is not good, he thought. why now?
himchan walked up to him. the handsome smile tore off his face when he saw daehyun's disturbed pace. himchan is now troubled. moments later, youngjae bounced next to him. he was confused at himchan's twisted expression. the brain looked over in the direction of his hyung's gaze and saw an unsettling sight. he stole glances between the two. one last look at the motherly figure and he knew something was wrong — with daehyun. zelo strutted over indifferently. he was carrying a box of candy chocolates, smiling and munching noisily. in his attempt to rap with a mouth full of crunched chocolate, he fussed about until he saw his two hyungs fretting over his vocal hyung. puzzled, he swallowed and started reading the atmosphere. the kidster feels strange. now he is worried with the sudden tension around daehyun. it aint normal, the kid tried to analyze, cos this isnt the face he does when hes out of mood or just blue mood.
not appreciating the attention, daehyun shrugged everyone off. he breathed a chuckle, then forced his escape from the trio. zelo and youngjae followed behind him but stopped when himchan pulled them back. the motherly figure looked on, worried about the kid and the young heart that still hasnt settled. youngjae and zelo are then entrusted to finish a mission decided right then and there by himchan himself.
B.A.P had reported really early for their stage rehearsal that day. they went out for a few after their parts were done. according to plan, zelo and youngjae walked a little far off and seemed to just disappear in the distance. there was no crowd yet, so it was quite peaceful. the boys were not worried about being noticed, seeing how everyone was preoccupied with their own thoughts. they walked on with little chatter until they reached a garden past the court on the right. there was a bench in the centre of the space. they decided to settle there for a bit. immediate, jongup went up to the swing with himchan. daehyun looked on, a little smirk on his face. jongup was swinging, and himchan tried to follow suit. but the motherly figure fails miserably. somehow, the body coordination is off and he couldnt take flight like jongup can. the idiot laughed heartily, and tried to backflip on the swing. he lifted off at once, swung up high, tried to flip but his hand slipped. the confused one instinctively curled up into a ball and shifted his position. he landed sideways, and he was in the way of himchan's power kick. himchan, in an effort to stop hurting his brother, fell off his swing and landed right by jongup. a stunning silence ensued, and jongup rolled on top of himchan and gave his thanks. they laughed in that manner, an awkward position, jongup lying over himchan's face. the mother gave a little squeak and nudged jongup away. bang-nim and daehyun looked on and laughed along. it's his vision started to fade out and see another image instead. not too long was the image materializing that his vision focused back to reality. someone touched his shoulder, and the aura power that came with it was enriching. it was bang-nim.
daehyun's smile broke. it felt like bang-nim could see through him. he felt guilty suddenly, somehow.
'do you know what song is coming out from you right now, dae?' bang-nim's throaty heartfelt voiced oozed from his unmoving lips. daehyun's eye froze. he couldnt believe bang-nim could tell.
'it's our song, Coma,' bang-nim had to tighten his hold on daehyun's shoulder. it seemed as if daehyun's spirit slipped away. but bang-nim was more worried about daehyun's eyes. it seemed as if they lost their light. bang-nim prayed for the duo on the mission to return back soonest, with success riding along. their plan cannot fail, or it will take a long time enough for everyone to recover.
youngjae and zelo wanted to make a new pairing term between them while theyre on the job. they wanna be called "jaelo" which combines their name's last syllable. proud of this negligible achievement, the brain and the kidster started brainstorming. it was the kidster lo who dragged his partner hyung away before the rest of the members could spot them. the brain, though, has actually informed the team long before they set out, right after daehyun walked away, and when zelo was struggling in the gents'. it was a unanimous decision to achieve the target within the next two hours before the stage begins.
youngjae was the only one who saw the events of a struck daehyun. he is puzzled. what could have possibly made daehyun notice in the first place. while jae was deep in thought, zelo was fidgeting about. they were alone the shophouses district, but for the first time in a while, neither the kidster nor the brain had urges to shop. lo began walking down the aisle of shops, looking through windows, hoping to see something plain catch his eye. at the third shop, he paused, squinted his eyes but shifted back.
youngjae's thought process is coming through too slowly, until he suddenly got it. he snapped his fingers and his eyes shot wide open. he caught zelo walking back to him with a quirky expression. jae could tell the kidster doesnt understand the possibility either. for the next five minutes, jaelo was brisk but thorough in their discussion and explanation. they were soon down the aisle looking for their target again, confident and sure. didnt take them long though.
by the next corner aisle, in one of the cool stores, they found her.
###
the last bite of my fried mackerel sandwich, and i couldnt be anymore happier. my girlfriends can only roll their eyes through giggles at what seemed like a disgusting piece of food art to them. i picked up my premium milk bubble tea and breathed content. my stomach is happy, my mood is happy, my girls are quite happy, so, i am happy. very happy.
though, a second later the eyes of my girls froze β in astonishment. i stretched out to wave my hand in front of them, but goosebumps appeared out of nowhere. my hand froze in mid-air, and a pair of soft, white hand clasped mine. my girls' eyes were drooling right into the owner of this pair of hands on mine. i followed their trail and locked eyes with beautiful, clear but desperate puppy dog eyes.
this is crazy.
i dont remember much but i remembered telling my ladies to go on ahead to the bookstore and i'll meet them there in a few. i definitely dont remember youngjae being open to skinship enough to be able to hold my hand like that and drag me out (after offering to return me safe and sound and do a selfie with my girls when the episode is over). i also dont remember zelo being off-character besides his shy-kid-awkward charms, but he is pushing me on through strong grips on my shoulders and im hastened enough to follow youngjae's glide.
i was, secretively, happy that i was being dragged around by two members of a group that i like. heck, i am in no condition able to communicate apart from unfathomable screech screams. fortunately, my tough feminine pride insists that i must stay a little irritated at two strangers, regardless, dragging me out without explanations. well, they sort of did explain to me β "no time to explain, sorry, but we have to go now and you have to come along wi-" β right when they pulled me off my seat from my last bite of mackerel sandwich.
after their second rehearsal stage was done, he felt his strength leave again. this is not good, he thought. why now?
himchan walked up to him. the handsome smile tore off his face when he saw daehyun's disturbed pace. himchan is now troubled. moments later, youngjae bounced next to him. he was confused at himchan's twisted expression. the brain looked over in the direction of his hyung's gaze and saw an unsettling sight. he stole glances between the two. one last look at the motherly figure and he knew something was wrong — with daehyun. zelo strutted over indifferently. he was carrying a box of candy chocolates, smiling and munching noisily. in his attempt to rap with a mouth full of crunched chocolate, he fussed about until he saw his two hyungs fretting over his vocal hyung. puzzled, he swallowed and started reading the atmosphere. the kidster feels strange. now he is worried with the sudden tension around daehyun. it aint normal, the kid tried to analyze, cos this isnt the face he does when hes out of mood or just blue mood.
not appreciating the attention, daehyun shrugged everyone off. he breathed a chuckle, then forced his escape from the trio. zelo and youngjae followed behind him but stopped when himchan pulled them back. the motherly figure looked on, worried about the kid and the young heart that still hasnt settled. youngjae and zelo are then entrusted to finish a mission decided right then and there by himchan himself.
B.A.P had reported really early for their stage rehearsal that day. they went out for a few after their parts were done. according to plan, zelo and youngjae walked a little far off and seemed to just disappear in the distance. there was no crowd yet, so it was quite peaceful. the boys were not worried about being noticed, seeing how everyone was preoccupied with their own thoughts. they walked on with little chatter until they reached a garden past the court on the right. there was a bench in the centre of the space. they decided to settle there for a bit. immediate, jongup went up to the swing with himchan. daehyun looked on, a little smirk on his face. jongup was swinging, and himchan tried to follow suit. but the motherly figure fails miserably. somehow, the body coordination is off and he couldnt take flight like jongup can. the idiot laughed heartily, and tried to backflip on the swing. he lifted off at once, swung up high, tried to flip but his hand slipped. the confused one instinctively curled up into a ball and shifted his position. he landed sideways, and he was in the way of himchan's power kick. himchan, in an effort to stop hurting his brother, fell off his swing and landed right by jongup. a stunning silence ensued, and jongup rolled on top of himchan and gave his thanks. they laughed in that manner, an awkward position, jongup lying over himchan's face. the mother gave a little squeak and nudged jongup away. bang-nim and daehyun looked on and laughed along. it's his vision started to fade out and see another image instead. not too long was the image materializing that his vision focused back to reality. someone touched his shoulder, and the aura power that came with it was enriching. it was bang-nim.
daehyun's smile broke. it felt like bang-nim could see through him. he felt guilty suddenly, somehow.
'do you know what song is coming out from you right now, dae?' bang-nim's throaty heartfelt voiced oozed from his unmoving lips. daehyun's eye froze. he couldnt believe bang-nim could tell.
'it's our song, Coma,' bang-nim had to tighten his hold on daehyun's shoulder. it seemed as if daehyun's spirit slipped away. but bang-nim was more worried about daehyun's eyes. it seemed as if they lost their light. bang-nim prayed for the duo on the mission to return back soonest, with success riding along. their plan cannot fail, or it will take a long time enough for everyone to recover.
youngjae and zelo wanted to make a new pairing term between them while theyre on the job. they wanna be called "jaelo" which combines their name's last syllable. proud of this negligible achievement, the brain and the kidster started brainstorming. it was the kidster lo who dragged his partner hyung away before the rest of the members could spot them. the brain, though, has actually informed the team long before they set out, right after daehyun walked away, and when zelo was struggling in the gents'. it was a unanimous decision to achieve the target within the next two hours before the stage begins.
youngjae was the only one who saw the events of a struck daehyun. he is puzzled. what could have possibly made daehyun notice in the first place. while jae was deep in thought, zelo was fidgeting about. they were alone the shophouses district, but for the first time in a while, neither the kidster nor the brain had urges to shop. lo began walking down the aisle of shops, looking through windows, hoping to see something plain catch his eye. at the third shop, he paused, squinted his eyes but shifted back.
youngjae's thought process is coming through too slowly, until he suddenly got it. he snapped his fingers and his eyes shot wide open. he caught zelo walking back to him with a quirky expression. jae could tell the kidster doesnt understand the possibility either. for the next five minutes, jaelo was brisk but thorough in their discussion and explanation. they were soon down the aisle looking for their target again, confident and sure. didnt take them long though.
by the next corner aisle, in one of the cool stores, they found her.
###
the last bite of my fried mackerel sandwich, and i couldnt be anymore happier. my girlfriends can only roll their eyes through giggles at what seemed like a disgusting piece of food art to them. i picked up my premium milk bubble tea and breathed content. my stomach is happy, my mood is happy, my girls are quite happy, so, i am happy. very happy.
though, a second later the eyes of my girls froze β in astonishment. i stretched out to wave my hand in front of them, but goosebumps appeared out of nowhere. my hand froze in mid-air, and a pair of soft, white hand clasped mine. my girls' eyes were drooling right into the owner of this pair of hands on mine. i followed their trail and locked eyes with beautiful, clear but desperate puppy dog eyes.
this is crazy.
i dont remember much but i remembered telling my ladies to go on ahead to the bookstore and i'll meet them there in a few. i definitely dont remember youngjae being open to skinship enough to be able to hold my hand like that and drag me out (after offering to return me safe and sound and do a selfie with my girls when the episode is over). i also dont remember zelo being off-character besides his shy-kid-awkward charms, but he is pushing me on through strong grips on my shoulders and im hastened enough to follow youngjae's glide.
i was, secretively, happy that i was being dragged around by two members of a group that i like. heck, i am in no condition able to communicate apart from unfathomable screech screams. fortunately, my tough feminine pride insists that i must stay a little irritated at two strangers, regardless, dragging me out without explanations. well, they sort of did explain to me β "no time to explain, sorry, but we have to go now and you have to come along wi-" β right when they pulled me off my seat from my last bite of mackerel sandwich.
Labels: fah_fiction, i dont know, jungdaehyun β₯, λΉμμ΄νΌ B.A.P
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Saturday, March 15, 2014, 5:39 pm Β·
four nights straight
four nights straight
last night,
the three of us agreed. you'll get the drinks from your parents' stash. he'll have the camera and get the dessert from my workplace. I'll make us our food from my kitchen. and we met at the train platform of Botanic Gardens. waiting. waited. wait for all of us, all three of us, together before retreating for our picnic triple threat.
I am here because Ive been meaning to have a picnic day. he is here because he is our good friend; I find serenity in our silence regarded. you are here because you are mine, though never more than a best broman; yet we regard each other like each others' own.
we were all in blueblack. I was in this petite black skater dress with three-quarters sleeve featuring my lovely red shoes, backed with a new adorable petite navy backpack stuffed with two out of the five containers of food prepared. the other three are in my hands. I hold, because theyre our main course. nothing too big, nothing too much. its big enough to be mistaken for a hospital-visit-for-lunch delivery.
he was in a sweet, crispy shirt that can pass for light denim material. he also chose to match his signature look with his faded grey shorts. ahh, bermudas. camera pouch slung across his minuet chest and a BR woven bag in his left hand. his hair is perfect today. much like everything else. much like everyday. I recognized him the instant I walked out of the train. gracing the marble bench with what meat he's got for bossoms, legs crossed over the other. his intense eyes shadowed over his phone. my tensed disposition was detected almost immediately, and he gazed up. stupid cheeky smile. stupid me. I bounced over and fumbled to settle beside him. a brisk, welcoming hug and a broshake at the same time. only we could do it effortlessly. we greeted and asked each other the same question. the announcement board read that the next train would be arriving in another 4minutes. "okay," he breathed. whisking out our phones and start battling zombies was what we both did. it felt like 10seconds, though indeed 4minutes later, when we both heard it. yelling "waitwaitwaitwait" we completed the final round and then there, he won. I groaned, he cheered. both looking up to imprint our reactions to the ceiling before looking down again, cooly, towards you. taking us into your neck-lock embraces, we marched off laughing after that. somehow, he and I agreed your facial expression was priceless then and there. you were slapped with a new grey gradient cap besides the lovely usual casuals. your flannel loose, jeans and your earthen chucks. mmmdap. gaily laughing at our discovery of a new pet monkey, we set off for the gardens and the grass.
the journey was safe. the clouds provided just enough shelter for us to dare to skip in the open wilderness of the green. we had to cover the pebble path first before reaching the gates. easily a 20 meter distance, we reached the front gates in awe. I dont think we've seen the south-west gate this close before. the details to match.. and these three apes gape in wonder. he immediately tried to capture the intricacy of the gargantuan bronze art piece with his camera, while you and I stand back and bask in the beauty of the symphonic surroundings. we could literally see shiny ellipses of varying colours that seem to mimic the punctuation of different musical tunes. it was all in my head, until you truly started humming. I turned to face you and you closed your eyes. I breathed a smile and he came back bounding to our spot with glitter in his eyes. the precious boy showed us his artistic discovery through wide lenses and I beamed, a proud crew. we started for the greenery within with chatters and enthusiasm for more artistically symphonic discoveries. him and his toys, you and my hands.
somewhere some time later, we paused our chatter and looked out at the fields. it was too pretty to be true. as if we were walking with our heads bowed, the scenery in front of our eyes took us by surprise. it was the perfect setting for a picnic. we werent aware of where our feet took us. we just kept walking and talking about things the sun and universe has seen and known of for years. now that we're back on ground, he whispered a thankful "amen" and pulled me along. I grabbed your hand and you released yourself from your stoned position. and then we fell, because he got too excited that he tripped over his own feet. he braked for his camera's sake, I braked for the food and you brake for the drinks. an explosion of laughter before we rolled out and lay on the patch, staring over the trees that gave us some shade. we lay there, our first quiet moment since we arrived. breathing in the glory that nature could bring for us, listening and bearing witness to the majesty that is Mother Nature, featuring us.
* * * * *
while you were excusing yourself to the washroom, there was a certain tension in the air. i realised it came from him. once you were gone from view, i saw his tensed body ease itself into a deep, long sigh. most importantly, the sigh was calculated so that when he looked up, my breath was caught and i lost the timing to speak. he spoke first, that little sad smirk playing on his lips, and i already knew what was coming.
"how long more before this ends?" it was not a question. it was a warning. he knows that all im ever gonna get at the end of the rainbow is a stormy weather that will only change seasons into draughts and winter. he was always there when my heart failed. when i failed. and he was always the one reminding me the end is near. i needed to speak up, to let everything end and settle itself on a soft spot where i can always return to without needing to feel the pain. he filled up my glass with the white wine you brought. we cheered our glasses and he gazed at me. i felt my face soften into a defeated look. i can not win you. i will never. because you are too far, and he is right. i can never reach to you like how the others can. holding back my eyes from falling out, i looked up to the sky. it was beautiful. the heaven's blue can never match anything on earth. i heard his giggle and closed my eyes to jot it down into memory.
behind my eyelids, the shade got darker. something was above me. something is getting closer to my upturned face. something.. kissed my forehead. i grasped your face in my hands and planted my lips on the tip of your nose. settling beside me, i listen to the conversation between you and him. about the washroom, the swans, some branches and pruning falling on him, and me. there was a sudden pause when i refocused. i had been looking at the sky again. their pause was loud. im alarmed. i turned to look at them then. two pairs of chinese eyes were enlarged at best. it was a funny sight, what with the sundown effect, they look like theyve seen a ghost.
the ghost was me. the ghost was crying. the ghost never realised she was crying. i was cradled into your chest while you rocked us to eudaimonia. i wasnt sobbing, dont misunderstand. they were just tears. just.. water. from deep within the sockets of my eyes and the deep that was my ducts. you hummed a certain tune, and he sipped on his wine, endlessly breathing sad smiles. when our eyes caught while i was still in your romantic version of a headlock, his eyes sparkled dark and i refused to concede.
the time is now.
"babe. im sorry," was all i could muster from my position. some stinging in my eyes cajoled me into forcibly calming myself down before i flood my ducts with intended water stream. i waited, but nothing happened. you were still moving with me, perched on your lap, head on your chest, nose on your neck. breathe, i tell myself. i was pretty convinced it was time for the sun to begin setting since the shade of blue sky seemingly fell darker to a sort of magnificent purple navy. your neck and chest buzzed as you hum, and i took it all in. this might possibly be the last time im allowed to touch you like this. one stream escaped. i turned in to breathe you in one more time. i felt a nod above my head as you release your grip on me. you gaze down, and your eyes were shining. you had streams of your own, but theyre not flowing. not yet. it felt like you spoke enough through those sparkles in your eyes. all i ever needed to know. we have never kissed before. not in that sense. never hot. my hands were tingling with a certain sensation because this was the perfect setting to do just that; to relive my dreams.
but i didnt move. i didnt want to make the pain any worse. so i stayed there, perched on your lap, looking up at you while you look right into me. i was searching for something though. something, though i dont know what it is im searching for. your hands rested on mine, the whole time drawing circles at the back of my hand. you shifted, albeit slightly, and i steeled myself for all the tears-inducting moment. instead, you breathed your words like a kid who understood the wilting of his favourite flower.
"i know. i know, i know, i know. im sorry. if only things were.. different. i am so happy here, and i was selfish too. at best, the things only hurt you more at the end of the day. but now i see. i am in pain too, and i dont wanna let go. w-will... will you let go?" i had to. so i sucked my tears back and straightened myself. i looked down to your hands, now in mine. i blinked once, and i was careless. in the turn of events between the duration where that drop left my eye towards your hand, i twisted myself free from your grasp. when i heard the drop splat on your skin, i turned up to look into you again. i had to. i must.
"i have always loved you. i always will. but it cannot be anymore. i have to let go. but you will always have me. you know it. i love you," and your stream slowly descended. the push and pull between us, i started it and i had to end it, because when i said please you ran. but you came back, and tried to please me. that is where it had led us to. right now. and it has pained us both. and we cannot do anything about it except to walk away again. what i want, you are not able to give. what you want, i am not enough. so this is how things are, this is how things have to be. my face screwed up, i wanted to badly to reach my pinky out to your clenched fists that were holding back from mine. we are so near, so close, a breathe away, yet, we cannot reach each other. my pain is now yours, and you swallow hard. you tipped chin up, and dried your face, thumbs brushing over your lovely eyelids, caressing the side of your face. this was once mine. this is mine, but it will no longer be touchable. this will now belong in my gallery of hearts. but before that, let me just envelope myself around you, because i understood the hurt that was coming. you have yet to accept this, so i will stay and wait here. it was not until that moment when i realised that we were alone. he was not there, and the picnic sets are all made up by the side of the tree. he is such an angel. i prayed a thankful prayer, wishing that my boys will always be happy, and that you are gifted with as much of an amazing girl as i have been to you despite our turbulent trials that were nothing but exceptionally impossible.
you werent shaking, but your face tells me you are not here. you are stoned and away. your eyes lost their colour, and i hold you even tighter. you react, and you crushed me to your chest again. my head you hold close to you, your back i tug tight. the sense of loss amplified with every second of the sunset. your hands started searching. they searched for my face. you traced my face with your thumbs, skillfully running over my lips like a gush of hot wind. life returned to your eyes, and your cheeks cheered up. your gentle eyes gave me peace.
you moved in so close we could kiss. but you stopped, and your hesitation spoke much. you held me in place as you count things off in your head, things i will never know. but you resigned yourself to karma this time, because you lost something that you had wanted very much. you charged into me, hot and soft, taking all of me. of course i was shocked. pleasantly surprised. i reciprocated your greeting and pulled on your bottom lip. you chase me, tongue to teeth, and i got caught. the corners of your upside mouth then were the prettiest. this was it. this was the last straw. this last straw was the one that ties it all together. our first kiss, and our last. this was the forbidden point that was not to be done. the poison that came with the pleasure will only hurt us more till the death of our hearts.
but the poison lost its meaning when two people understood themselves. it's like a true love's kiss, or maybe in our case, a true love's poison. the love, so strong it kills, that all it needed to do to heal anything was to let itself go. let the love go. i rampaged through your mouth and you fought me. i gave in, and i got myself out. i rested my forehead on yours, scrathing your nose with mine. it's sad, but a happy ending was all there is to this. you held my head and graced my crown with the last of your kisses. i smiled. the corners of my mouth touch yours, and it is decided then that it is time to leave.
we found him near the majestic gates, smoking, holding the camera in his hand. browsing through pictures he had taken on his film and beaming at every single one. we asked if we could see but he said the film only runs through once. everything else has to wait. and he ended his speech with a classic i-have-a-surprise-for-you-but-it-has-to-wait catch. we walked towards the bus stop this time, and i have both boys' hand in mine. a very lovely feeling to set for home after a very eventful day. an amazingly eventful day for closure. he parted from us since his bus stop was on the other side of the road. he hugged me, tight, and i returned the favour. he looked at me, a proud kid for his friend had succeeded, and presented me with a kiss on the back of each of my hands. such a gentleman this one; a joker gentleman. he shook hands and chest-bump with you, ruffled your hair a bit and set off. he is one joker i will never want to end being together with. our bus came and it seems that im sending you home.
in the bus, we found ourselves a seat. i slept while leaning on your shoulder, and you tighten your hands in my grip. you kissed my forehead and i awoke. we were already at our stop. whoa! that was fast. we didnt even speak much since we got on the bus and now we have to go? holy shit i was panicking. never would i admit to the fact that i would never wanna let go of you. you are so amused by me, im guessing its the facial expressions. your eyes, you gestured to me, telepathically understanding my qualms. okay. we sat at the bus stop, purposely missing our next buses as they approach. we are still not speaking to each other. this beauty of love in silence is just one of the many gripping reasons for us to stay together. its like, everything connects just like this, and there is no need to utter a single thing. there is no uncertainty, only us, was what you would always say. a fantastic memory, i giggle in response in reality. you gave me a puzzled look, and i shrugged. we sat there a while more until suddenly, you flagged a cab. shocked, i followed behind you. you signalled for me to get in and i am dumbfounded. are you telling me to go home in a cab? you are rushing me home? no. you pulled me into the cab and informed the kind driver the alighting point. a location that i am much too familiar with. a location that was my home address. how did you know my address? oh my, you are sending me home! you feigned being asleep, but i didnt want to break our romantic silence with my yahoos. so i snuggled beside you in the backseat of the taxi, and you gave me the biggest, warmest bear hug you could grant me at the moment.
when i woke up the next morning, there were these colourful bokeh blurs in my head. i sat up, ruffled my head of hair to remove traces of bedhair to no avail, and walked up to my drawing table. the light from my phone's screen dimmed when i reached for it. i pressed a button to reveal an illuminated phone screen. the wallpaper was a silhouette of the three of us against the majestic setting of the sun. hues of gold, purple and emerald graced the horizon, and the dark embodiment that was us was cast in a hilarious headlock, entangled with each other. smirking, i swiped the screen to the right to reveal the message received that caused my phone to jingle earlier.
after reading the fairly brief contents, i caught deep underlying message from you. i turned to the window, ruffled my hair one more time and breathed a smile as i cast you away as well, that very morning.
the three of us agreed. you'll get the drinks from your parents' stash. he'll have the camera and get the dessert from my workplace. I'll make us our food from my kitchen. and we met at the train platform of Botanic Gardens. waiting. waited. wait for all of us, all three of us, together before retreating for our picnic triple threat.
I am here because Ive been meaning to have a picnic day. he is here because he is our good friend; I find serenity in our silence regarded. you are here because you are mine, though never more than a best broman; yet we regard each other like each others' own.
we were all in blueblack. I was in this petite black skater dress with three-quarters sleeve featuring my lovely red shoes, backed with a new adorable petite navy backpack stuffed with two out of the five containers of food prepared. the other three are in my hands. I hold, because theyre our main course. nothing too big, nothing too much. its big enough to be mistaken for a hospital-visit-for-lunch delivery.
he was in a sweet, crispy shirt that can pass for light denim material. he also chose to match his signature look with his faded grey shorts. ahh, bermudas. camera pouch slung across his minuet chest and a BR woven bag in his left hand. his hair is perfect today. much like everything else. much like everyday. I recognized him the instant I walked out of the train. gracing the marble bench with what meat he's got for bossoms, legs crossed over the other. his intense eyes shadowed over his phone. my tensed disposition was detected almost immediately, and he gazed up. stupid cheeky smile. stupid me. I bounced over and fumbled to settle beside him. a brisk, welcoming hug and a broshake at the same time. only we could do it effortlessly. we greeted and asked each other the same question. the announcement board read that the next train would be arriving in another 4minutes. "okay," he breathed. whisking out our phones and start battling zombies was what we both did. it felt like 10seconds, though indeed 4minutes later, when we both heard it. yelling "waitwaitwaitwait" we completed the final round and then there, he won. I groaned, he cheered. both looking up to imprint our reactions to the ceiling before looking down again, cooly, towards you. taking us into your neck-lock embraces, we marched off laughing after that. somehow, he and I agreed your facial expression was priceless then and there. you were slapped with a new grey gradient cap besides the lovely usual casuals. your flannel loose, jeans and your earthen chucks. mmmdap. gaily laughing at our discovery of a new pet monkey, we set off for the gardens and the grass.
the journey was safe. the clouds provided just enough shelter for us to dare to skip in the open wilderness of the green. we had to cover the pebble path first before reaching the gates. easily a 20 meter distance, we reached the front gates in awe. I dont think we've seen the south-west gate this close before. the details to match.. and these three apes gape in wonder. he immediately tried to capture the intricacy of the gargantuan bronze art piece with his camera, while you and I stand back and bask in the beauty of the symphonic surroundings. we could literally see shiny ellipses of varying colours that seem to mimic the punctuation of different musical tunes. it was all in my head, until you truly started humming. I turned to face you and you closed your eyes. I breathed a smile and he came back bounding to our spot with glitter in his eyes. the precious boy showed us his artistic discovery through wide lenses and I beamed, a proud crew. we started for the greenery within with chatters and enthusiasm for more artistically symphonic discoveries. him and his toys, you and my hands.
somewhere some time later, we paused our chatter and looked out at the fields. it was too pretty to be true. as if we were walking with our heads bowed, the scenery in front of our eyes took us by surprise. it was the perfect setting for a picnic. we werent aware of where our feet took us. we just kept walking and talking about things the sun and universe has seen and known of for years. now that we're back on ground, he whispered a thankful "amen" and pulled me along. I grabbed your hand and you released yourself from your stoned position. and then we fell, because he got too excited that he tripped over his own feet. he braked for his camera's sake, I braked for the food and you brake for the drinks. an explosion of laughter before we rolled out and lay on the patch, staring over the trees that gave us some shade. we lay there, our first quiet moment since we arrived. breathing in the glory that nature could bring for us, listening and bearing witness to the majesty that is Mother Nature, featuring us.
* * * * *
while you were excusing yourself to the washroom, there was a certain tension in the air. i realised it came from him. once you were gone from view, i saw his tensed body ease itself into a deep, long sigh. most importantly, the sigh was calculated so that when he looked up, my breath was caught and i lost the timing to speak. he spoke first, that little sad smirk playing on his lips, and i already knew what was coming.
"how long more before this ends?" it was not a question. it was a warning. he knows that all im ever gonna get at the end of the rainbow is a stormy weather that will only change seasons into draughts and winter. he was always there when my heart failed. when i failed. and he was always the one reminding me the end is near. i needed to speak up, to let everything end and settle itself on a soft spot where i can always return to without needing to feel the pain. he filled up my glass with the white wine you brought. we cheered our glasses and he gazed at me. i felt my face soften into a defeated look. i can not win you. i will never. because you are too far, and he is right. i can never reach to you like how the others can. holding back my eyes from falling out, i looked up to the sky. it was beautiful. the heaven's blue can never match anything on earth. i heard his giggle and closed my eyes to jot it down into memory.
behind my eyelids, the shade got darker. something was above me. something is getting closer to my upturned face. something.. kissed my forehead. i grasped your face in my hands and planted my lips on the tip of your nose. settling beside me, i listen to the conversation between you and him. about the washroom, the swans, some branches and pruning falling on him, and me. there was a sudden pause when i refocused. i had been looking at the sky again. their pause was loud. im alarmed. i turned to look at them then. two pairs of chinese eyes were enlarged at best. it was a funny sight, what with the sundown effect, they look like theyve seen a ghost.
the ghost was me. the ghost was crying. the ghost never realised she was crying. i was cradled into your chest while you rocked us to eudaimonia. i wasnt sobbing, dont misunderstand. they were just tears. just.. water. from deep within the sockets of my eyes and the deep that was my ducts. you hummed a certain tune, and he sipped on his wine, endlessly breathing sad smiles. when our eyes caught while i was still in your romantic version of a headlock, his eyes sparkled dark and i refused to concede.
the time is now.
"babe. im sorry," was all i could muster from my position. some stinging in my eyes cajoled me into forcibly calming myself down before i flood my ducts with intended water stream. i waited, but nothing happened. you were still moving with me, perched on your lap, head on your chest, nose on your neck. breathe, i tell myself. i was pretty convinced it was time for the sun to begin setting since the shade of blue sky seemingly fell darker to a sort of magnificent purple navy. your neck and chest buzzed as you hum, and i took it all in. this might possibly be the last time im allowed to touch you like this. one stream escaped. i turned in to breathe you in one more time. i felt a nod above my head as you release your grip on me. you gaze down, and your eyes were shining. you had streams of your own, but theyre not flowing. not yet. it felt like you spoke enough through those sparkles in your eyes. all i ever needed to know. we have never kissed before. not in that sense. never hot. my hands were tingling with a certain sensation because this was the perfect setting to do just that; to relive my dreams.
but i didnt move. i didnt want to make the pain any worse. so i stayed there, perched on your lap, looking up at you while you look right into me. i was searching for something though. something, though i dont know what it is im searching for. your hands rested on mine, the whole time drawing circles at the back of my hand. you shifted, albeit slightly, and i steeled myself for all the tears-inducting moment. instead, you breathed your words like a kid who understood the wilting of his favourite flower.
"i know. i know, i know, i know. im sorry. if only things were.. different. i am so happy here, and i was selfish too. at best, the things only hurt you more at the end of the day. but now i see. i am in pain too, and i dont wanna let go. w-will... will you let go?" i had to. so i sucked my tears back and straightened myself. i looked down to your hands, now in mine. i blinked once, and i was careless. in the turn of events between the duration where that drop left my eye towards your hand, i twisted myself free from your grasp. when i heard the drop splat on your skin, i turned up to look into you again. i had to. i must.
"i have always loved you. i always will. but it cannot be anymore. i have to let go. but you will always have me. you know it. i love you," and your stream slowly descended. the push and pull between us, i started it and i had to end it, because when i said please you ran. but you came back, and tried to please me. that is where it had led us to. right now. and it has pained us both. and we cannot do anything about it except to walk away again. what i want, you are not able to give. what you want, i am not enough. so this is how things are, this is how things have to be. my face screwed up, i wanted to badly to reach my pinky out to your clenched fists that were holding back from mine. we are so near, so close, a breathe away, yet, we cannot reach each other. my pain is now yours, and you swallow hard. you tipped chin up, and dried your face, thumbs brushing over your lovely eyelids, caressing the side of your face. this was once mine. this is mine, but it will no longer be touchable. this will now belong in my gallery of hearts. but before that, let me just envelope myself around you, because i understood the hurt that was coming. you have yet to accept this, so i will stay and wait here. it was not until that moment when i realised that we were alone. he was not there, and the picnic sets are all made up by the side of the tree. he is such an angel. i prayed a thankful prayer, wishing that my boys will always be happy, and that you are gifted with as much of an amazing girl as i have been to you despite our turbulent trials that were nothing but exceptionally impossible.
you werent shaking, but your face tells me you are not here. you are stoned and away. your eyes lost their colour, and i hold you even tighter. you react, and you crushed me to your chest again. my head you hold close to you, your back i tug tight. the sense of loss amplified with every second of the sunset. your hands started searching. they searched for my face. you traced my face with your thumbs, skillfully running over my lips like a gush of hot wind. life returned to your eyes, and your cheeks cheered up. your gentle eyes gave me peace.
you moved in so close we could kiss. but you stopped, and your hesitation spoke much. you held me in place as you count things off in your head, things i will never know. but you resigned yourself to karma this time, because you lost something that you had wanted very much. you charged into me, hot and soft, taking all of me. of course i was shocked. pleasantly surprised. i reciprocated your greeting and pulled on your bottom lip. you chase me, tongue to teeth, and i got caught. the corners of your upside mouth then were the prettiest. this was it. this was the last straw. this last straw was the one that ties it all together. our first kiss, and our last. this was the forbidden point that was not to be done. the poison that came with the pleasure will only hurt us more till the death of our hearts.
but the poison lost its meaning when two people understood themselves. it's like a true love's kiss, or maybe in our case, a true love's poison. the love, so strong it kills, that all it needed to do to heal anything was to let itself go. let the love go. i rampaged through your mouth and you fought me. i gave in, and i got myself out. i rested my forehead on yours, scrathing your nose with mine. it's sad, but a happy ending was all there is to this. you held my head and graced my crown with the last of your kisses. i smiled. the corners of my mouth touch yours, and it is decided then that it is time to leave.
we found him near the majestic gates, smoking, holding the camera in his hand. browsing through pictures he had taken on his film and beaming at every single one. we asked if we could see but he said the film only runs through once. everything else has to wait. and he ended his speech with a classic i-have-a-surprise-for-you-but-it-has-to-wait catch. we walked towards the bus stop this time, and i have both boys' hand in mine. a very lovely feeling to set for home after a very eventful day. an amazingly eventful day for closure. he parted from us since his bus stop was on the other side of the road. he hugged me, tight, and i returned the favour. he looked at me, a proud kid for his friend had succeeded, and presented me with a kiss on the back of each of my hands. such a gentleman this one; a joker gentleman. he shook hands and chest-bump with you, ruffled your hair a bit and set off. he is one joker i will never want to end being together with. our bus came and it seems that im sending you home.
in the bus, we found ourselves a seat. i slept while leaning on your shoulder, and you tighten your hands in my grip. you kissed my forehead and i awoke. we were already at our stop. whoa! that was fast. we didnt even speak much since we got on the bus and now we have to go? holy shit i was panicking. never would i admit to the fact that i would never wanna let go of you. you are so amused by me, im guessing its the facial expressions. your eyes, you gestured to me, telepathically understanding my qualms. okay. we sat at the bus stop, purposely missing our next buses as they approach. we are still not speaking to each other. this beauty of love in silence is just one of the many gripping reasons for us to stay together. its like, everything connects just like this, and there is no need to utter a single thing. there is no uncertainty, only us, was what you would always say. a fantastic memory, i giggle in response in reality. you gave me a puzzled look, and i shrugged. we sat there a while more until suddenly, you flagged a cab. shocked, i followed behind you. you signalled for me to get in and i am dumbfounded. are you telling me to go home in a cab? you are rushing me home? no. you pulled me into the cab and informed the kind driver the alighting point. a location that i am much too familiar with. a location that was my home address. how did you know my address? oh my, you are sending me home! you feigned being asleep, but i didnt want to break our romantic silence with my yahoos. so i snuggled beside you in the backseat of the taxi, and you gave me the biggest, warmest bear hug you could grant me at the moment.
when i woke up the next morning, there were these colourful bokeh blurs in my head. i sat up, ruffled my head of hair to remove traces of bedhair to no avail, and walked up to my drawing table. the light from my phone's screen dimmed when i reached for it. i pressed a button to reveal an illuminated phone screen. the wallpaper was a silhouette of the three of us against the majestic setting of the sun. hues of gold, purple and emerald graced the horizon, and the dark embodiment that was us was cast in a hilarious headlock, entangled with each other. smirking, i swiped the screen to the right to reveal the message received that caused my phone to jingle earlier.
after reading the fairly brief contents, i caught deep underlying message from you. i turned to the window, ruffled my hair one more time and breathed a smile as i cast you away as well, that very morning.
Labels: dreaming of dreams, fah_fiction, fuck, you wont understand
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Friday, July 12, 2013, 1:36 am Β·
to let me speak
to let me speak
while I speak of these, there are still some beings that I cannot afford to lose no matter how much pain it will cost me.
its been a very long time since Ive mentioned you. let tonight be the night where I allow myself to dream of another dream when we had our arms linked once upon a time for forever.
I ask myself sometimes why is it that I cannot let it go. and I ask myself, again, why is it that you watch me with those eyes.. those kind eyes that seem to imply that youve been lying all these time? lying.. to me, to yourself.
when we greet, your body is always so warm. your hands are always lovely and you are just perfect. even your speech and mannerism is charming. its a deadly attraction that I would want to always remain attached to. I'd love to be the one hanging on your neck, showing you the way towards all the small things that are capable to fuel my happiness for eternity.
I have never lusted over you. it has always been the yearning to try and master the knowledge and lifestyle that is you. this habit, this routine, the circle that is you. surrounding me, enveloping me, I let myself be consumed by it.
but the trace of all that was forced to be erased. by you. and I discriminated that part of myself that was you. it hurt. it stung me like a poison from a venomous sea king. even till today.
all I ever wanted was you. and your hands. they fit perfectly in mine. and believe me when I say this, I would never want to let this go. thats why I let my heart burn away to a crisp. to disallow anyone to enter only after Ive found the next best thing after you.
they say its infatuation. others, love. for me, this is my ideal person. the one Im willing to absorb whole for all eternity.
but at this moment, the only eternity I have is a black hole.
do you still remember our promise?
Labels: #suchafah, fah_fiction
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Thursday, March 28, 2013, 5:55 pm Β·
A Nightly Poem for a Nightly Walk
A Nightly Poem for a Nightly Walk
Upon the steps that descends
six candles laid to rest
dust and dirt swamp the floor
creaking sounds from the door
to assist the lost loves
be released from this world.
Approach the two shadows
beware of unholy howls
bask your voice in unison
falter, crumble and burn
the shadows will fight all the way
but lights will always prevail.
#
Enchanted in doubles and mirrors
the ground and sky clearly towers
one will not leave the other
the other irreplaceable by another
But light and dark are meant to be
two different, separate entity
bask our voice in unison
so falter, crumble and burn
release the intertwine you hold
enlighten the burdens, the lights unfold.
#
Do you owe a life
because yours was viced?
to hover over for so long
dont you hear the sound of that horn?
your rule was quite subdued
by the ones who took over you
bask our voice in unison
so falter, crumble and burn
your strings no longer attached
enlighten the burdens, the lights caress.
six candles laid to rest
dust and dirt swamp the floor
creaking sounds from the door
to assist the lost loves
be released from this world.
Approach the two shadows
beware of unholy howls
bask your voice in unison
falter, crumble and burn
the shadows will fight all the way
but lights will always prevail.
#
Enchanted in doubles and mirrors
the ground and sky clearly towers
one will not leave the other
the other irreplaceable by another
But light and dark are meant to be
two different, separate entity
bask our voice in unison
so falter, crumble and burn
release the intertwine you hold
enlighten the burdens, the lights unfold.
#
Do you owe a life
because yours was viced?
to hover over for so long
dont you hear the sound of that horn?
your rule was quite subdued
by the ones who took over you
bask our voice in unison
so falter, crumble and burn
your strings no longer attached
enlighten the burdens, the lights caress.
Labels: dark hours, fah_fiction, for the kids, inspirations
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Monday, June 18, 2012, 12:55 am Β·
space #8
space #8
The window suddenly opens. It creaked, and at once I was stunned. The sheer coldness of the wind at night was not to my understanding — how can something transparent and light as air cut through my skin? I slithered towards the window, afraid of another attack.
A hand gently grasped mine as I peeked out below. The contact sent sparks of ice up to my brain. I doubled back, but never retreated. I waited for the truth to come up and face me, and there he was.
He stood like the darkness in summer. His eyes, soft like wintered snowflakes. The sharp gaze met mine and I choked on my own breath. His lifeless arms suddenly reached forth, gesturing that I come nearer. Time seemed to have slowed down for too long — suddenly crashes of the crowd right outside my door are heard.
No more, I dont want to be suppressed no more.
I turned towards the man at the window, clasped his hand, and we left on what seemed like a flying skateboard. Hilarious, but gracious regardless. He pressed me towards him as we landed behind a couple of nearby cars. Astounded by his great warmth, dumbfounded in all that was happening, I was torpid in acknowledging the presence of all seven of them. Each took their turn to ruffle my hair in greeting, and I flushed with every chimerical contact. The reverie didnt last long. The rampage from home has been going on for the last hour or so. It was really hard to swallow, the fear from before.
I glanced back up to my room on the ninth floor one last time before we left in such haste. I wasn't sure if this was something I would not see to regret in future, though this was the least of my worries. What's keeping me constantly occupied in my own head is the fact that my heart and body are not in sync, for I was holding one's hand tightly while leaning into the arms of another. Ridiculous. Something only fairy tales can fetch is half of a reality in mine.
Yet, the only one who could affect me as much as death does is not even within the proximity. He is the very source of this war, the reason for my mental fiasco.
Labels: fah_fiction, happy, midnight, nightmare song
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Sunday, December 04, 2011, 11:35 pm Β·
Terrification
Terrification
terrification/ terrified in form
I remembered once, back at the old house at 747, when I was still in lower primary, I was rudely woken up with fever, that Mum woke me up and forced me to school with fever, as I was going down the stairs from the fifth to first, that on the third floor, I saw a massive oval shape sprawled on the bottom last three steps of the stairs on the third floor, and I had become so sick I shouted and cum came out from my mouth, that I had immediately taken to believe that what I'd seen was real, and I had collapsed right there and then, on the top stairs on the third floor, and got carried back home and put to slept.
Until today, it's such a terrification whenever I think about it, whenever I came to contact of that hideous thing, even if it wasnt real, it made me pass out.
It was massive, good Lord it was a giant flying cockroach from 12 years ago
/
I love your current face. It's too lovely ♥
Labels: fah_fiction
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Saturday, October 29, 2011, 8:02 pm Β·
this song
this song
you'll know when you feel like talking
but your mouth wont open up
you'll know when you feel like running
but your legs keep giving out
it's hard to strive and strike yourself
you bat your way out
and it's hard yeah it's hard
but you keep waking each day
the people you thought you knew
theyre fragments of a dream
and the one you thought you'll be
is the outcast of a team
well well
you should know by now
this one more try
you will loosen up
trees dont grow out from your head like bushes and woods
the rain dont come when you break down to leave you out cold
oh mister please do tell me now oh how should i go
past all the blocks in the student cards
and leave foes on the rock till you know its alright to be
but your mouth wont open up
you'll know when you feel like running
but your legs keep giving out
it's hard to strive and strike yourself
you bat your way out
and it's hard yeah it's hard
but you keep waking each day
the people you thought you knew
theyre fragments of a dream
and the one you thought you'll be
is the outcast of a team
well well
you should know by now
this one more try
you will loosen up
trees dont grow out from your head like bushes and woods
the rain dont come when you break down to leave you out cold
oh mister please do tell me now oh how should i go
past all the blocks in the student cards
and leave foes on the rock till you know its alright to be
Labels: fah_fiction, melody_lines, you wont understand
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Saturday, August 13, 2011, 5:57 pm Β·
space #7.5
space #7.5
you, the one thats been playing with me since communism. maybe im the one thats playing with myself. but you have to stop slipping yourself from your grip. get yourself together. because looking at me when all the others dont, it's not helping. i dont know where you stand and i am confused. because im trying so hard not to flunk my ass onto your lap and start dreaming of you holding my hand and saying i'll be alright. no, dood, dont.
right now, if you just so look at me again, i might turn insane. because seriously, i love boys.
right now, if you just so look at me again, i might turn insane. because seriously, i love boys.
Labels: boys, fah_fiction
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, 5:54 pm Β·
space #7
space #7
im on the run. im made to run. run. run away. runway from all of you. so i see we're all monsters, and i shall obediently be the prey that all monsters will take out. in life, happy endings never last long. it's always the nightmares that come chasing you from behind over and over again. sometimes i tire out. i fall, and i roll over and hit a massive boulder face-on. i bleed, i run out of blood and right before i die i wake up from all these menacing dreams of a story. sometimes, i see myself flying out of a rollercoaster car. i get my leg rundown my a bus or have the bus driver, being familiar with me, suddenly look me straight in the eye and pretend he doesnt know me. and im late for my submission. or i role-play the things ive read from storybooks for the past 19 years. even little red riding hood doesnt stand a chance against evil.
but there are the nice dreams. dreams of fantasies and dreams that more often that not, lay down the future events for me. they might involve people i know all too well. there was one point i was... beaten by 'dad' so badly i didnt talk to him for day in the real world when in fact it was only a dream. there was once i was terrified of the traffic light.. yknow, you press the button and you wait. i didnt dare touch it straight up with my bare finger because i was afraid that the button would evolved into a rotating chainsaw that hacked off my finger. so you see, here i am on the next paragraph trying to share with you a nice story but noooo the darkest hours of my sleep are being told instead.
i love boys. and as long as they appear in my dreams, nothing will be too painful. i love boys too much that sometimes it hurts. im changing my status to i love boys because i am a tomboy and you cannot make me doesnt seem to please people. the change in confession is not what i want, but at least i can learn to reduce my emotional quotient by leap. you wont hear my stories out anyway. not yet. not until im sick or/and dying that every leech on earth will start sucking my blood story to know 'more about me'.
so anyway, i love boys. and the dreams about boys [and girls, too] always gets me. cos everytime they star in my dreams, i cant seem to remember much. even if i can faintly remember, theyre always about swings and picnics and something i'd wished to do. oh, or some pretty night, lying down on the grass patch and playing the penis game. then the boy will turn and tell me not to be afraid, and just hold me hand to his face. nothing sexual, never sexual. and then the girls will turn and knock their forehead in mine and we'll giggle. she'll tell me that im doing fine and i should never fear anything. not even of flying cocks. sometimes the boys and girls come on together. sometimes they dont.
sometimes i force myself to dream a certain dream. recently, it's about namstar + P.O. + the P.O. look a like. very rarely now, i dream of you. i hardly dream of love and i hardly dream of dirty things. my dreams are always dark, cold, empty and alone — because that's what ive been going through in my life. other times, theyre really just warm, cuddly and happy — because thats what ive always wanted. but usually, be it boys or girls in my dreams, my hand would always be held. boy would stick my hand in their pockets or on their faces, and girl would clutch onto mine tightly behind their back and keep my close. i yearn for those people in my happy dream to stay. i would keep all of them real close to mine; all of them.
except, when the ones you try to push away keeps coming back for more. and the nightmare starts all over again. you can even get messed up into defining which is real which is not. and that is a dream come true.
but there are the nice dreams. dreams of fantasies and dreams that more often that not, lay down the future events for me. they might involve people i know all too well. there was one point i was... beaten by 'dad' so badly i didnt talk to him for day in the real world when in fact it was only a dream. there was once i was terrified of the traffic light.. yknow, you press the button and you wait. i didnt dare touch it straight up with my bare finger because i was afraid that the button would evolved into a rotating chainsaw that hacked off my finger. so you see, here i am on the next paragraph trying to share with you a nice story but noooo the darkest hours of my sleep are being told instead.
i love boys. and as long as they appear in my dreams, nothing will be too painful. i love boys too much that sometimes it hurts. im changing my status to i love boys because i am a tomboy and you cannot make me doesnt seem to please people. the change in confession is not what i want, but at least i can learn to reduce my emotional quotient by leap. you wont hear my stories out anyway. not yet. not until im sick or/and dying that every leech on earth will start sucking my blood story to know 'more about me'.
so anyway, i love boys. and the dreams about boys [and girls, too] always gets me. cos everytime they star in my dreams, i cant seem to remember much. even if i can faintly remember, theyre always about swings and picnics and something i'd wished to do. oh, or some pretty night, lying down on the grass patch and playing the penis game. then the boy will turn and tell me not to be afraid, and just hold me hand to his face. nothing sexual, never sexual. and then the girls will turn and knock their forehead in mine and we'll giggle. she'll tell me that im doing fine and i should never fear anything. not even of flying cocks. sometimes the boys and girls come on together. sometimes they dont.
sometimes i force myself to dream a certain dream. recently, it's about namstar + P.O. + the P.O. look a like. very rarely now, i dream of you. i hardly dream of love and i hardly dream of dirty things. my dreams are always dark, cold, empty and alone — because that's what ive been going through in my life. other times, theyre really just warm, cuddly and happy — because thats what ive always wanted. but usually, be it boys or girls in my dreams, my hand would always be held. boy would stick my hand in their pockets or on their faces, and girl would clutch onto mine tightly behind their back and keep my close. i yearn for those people in my happy dream to stay. i would keep all of them real close to mine; all of them.
except, when the ones you try to push away keeps coming back for more. and the nightmare starts all over again. you can even get messed up into defining which is real which is not. and that is a dream come true.
Labels: fah_fiction
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Thursday, July 28, 2011, 9:27 pm Β·
space #6
space #6
Remy took me by the hand. he gently brought me back up and got me on my feet. and then he spun me around to face him. his nose was close to my own. he breathed, "maybe next time, you can do better." i didnt know what he meant. i couldnt think, let alone stay sharp about my surroundings. i felt my eyes half-open, and they were really heavy. its taking a lot from me to keep them a millimeter apart.
the next thing i knew, im already ankle-deep in a pond or sorts. only, the water was green with a yellow tinge. it doesnt look disgusting. instead, it looks fantastic, almost fairy-tale-like. where my foot sank to leave an imprint on the riverbed, it didnt feel slimy. there's this coarse texture as if im walking on a rough cemented floor. Remy's hand still holding mine tightly, as if im about to fall flat on my face. well, even if i do fall down, i will land safely into the comfort of the glistening green water. as i led my heavy eyes to look down at the river, ripples began forming almost as if it's started to rain. i tilted my head to align myself against the sun's reflection. i saw plenty of golden fish that do not qualify to be named as goldfish — these were truly golden. it was here that i fell. somehow, i had let go of Remy's hand. he didnt catch me, he couldnt. instead, he picked me up from where i fell and resumed our journey. his journey, really, as i had no idea where we were going. this place was alien to me, even in my estranged memory the green river and the damp riverbank didnt ring a bell. suddenly i became scared. i was so scared that i shrank within the colossal depths of Remy's arms and chest. he felt real. this isnt a dream. my eyes were fixed on the third button of his orange flannel shirt. my eyelids were flickering. it seemed that my eyes were stinging — i was holding back tears. i felt him looked at me, his breath even and heavy. i closed my eyes then, and i felt him jumping about. his stride, it was as if we was crossing the clouds.
i jumped in his embrace. we had stopped. he let me down and i became overcome with the simplicity of the house. it was nothing much, just a tiny wooden shed. but the area.. the forest was so serene, it seems untouched by humans. only, we were the only two souls there. Remy gestured me to follow him. we were heading somewhere within the perimeter of the house. it seems, the house wasnt what he wanted to show me. i gazed around, observed the stillness of the forest, the trees swaying with the breeze. bamboo trees? those ghost trees? unfamiliar trees, really, but i felt like i was home. this was home, this surrealistic of an alien ground.
but it was then that i saw it. this ~is~ home. that rosy pink chair on those fat, sturdy rope tied in knots onto the tree. there it was, my swing of a hundred years old, still in one piece.
if only you were true, im sorry im so confused
the next thing i knew, im already ankle-deep in a pond or sorts. only, the water was green with a yellow tinge. it doesnt look disgusting. instead, it looks fantastic, almost fairy-tale-like. where my foot sank to leave an imprint on the riverbed, it didnt feel slimy. there's this coarse texture as if im walking on a rough cemented floor. Remy's hand still holding mine tightly, as if im about to fall flat on my face. well, even if i do fall down, i will land safely into the comfort of the glistening green water. as i led my heavy eyes to look down at the river, ripples began forming almost as if it's started to rain. i tilted my head to align myself against the sun's reflection. i saw plenty of golden fish that do not qualify to be named as goldfish — these were truly golden. it was here that i fell. somehow, i had let go of Remy's hand. he didnt catch me, he couldnt. instead, he picked me up from where i fell and resumed our journey. his journey, really, as i had no idea where we were going. this place was alien to me, even in my estranged memory the green river and the damp riverbank didnt ring a bell. suddenly i became scared. i was so scared that i shrank within the colossal depths of Remy's arms and chest. he felt real. this isnt a dream. my eyes were fixed on the third button of his orange flannel shirt. my eyelids were flickering. it seemed that my eyes were stinging — i was holding back tears. i felt him looked at me, his breath even and heavy. i closed my eyes then, and i felt him jumping about. his stride, it was as if we was crossing the clouds.
i jumped in his embrace. we had stopped. he let me down and i became overcome with the simplicity of the house. it was nothing much, just a tiny wooden shed. but the area.. the forest was so serene, it seems untouched by humans. only, we were the only two souls there. Remy gestured me to follow him. we were heading somewhere within the perimeter of the house. it seems, the house wasnt what he wanted to show me. i gazed around, observed the stillness of the forest, the trees swaying with the breeze. bamboo trees? those ghost trees? unfamiliar trees, really, but i felt like i was home. this was home, this surrealistic of an alien ground.
but it was then that i saw it. this ~is~ home. that rosy pink chair on those fat, sturdy rope tied in knots onto the tree. there it was, my swing of a hundred years old, still in one piece.
Labels: fah_fiction
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, 1:27 am Β·
namstar β #3
namstar β #3
you dont know how bad you drive me nuts every single time. and it's not that youre here. it's exactly why youre there that's always driving me up into myself. why cant you be here, so at least i can calm down and be — for once — a woman.
i love your eyes, oh your lovely eyes. i love your hands too. oh your pretty, pretty hands, that can grab mine and keep them warm.
Labels: β , fah_fiction, happy, my precious, namstar β
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Wednesday, July 06, 2011, 9:10 pm Β·
Space #5
Space #5
okay, she was trying to be honest with herself here right now. she was depressed, absolutely not thinking straight. every thought always goes down to "I am such a pathetic being", "let me waste myself away in front of a speeding bus" or better, "That's a high wall. maybe I can jump down from it.. ~ponders~"
heck, no one even flicked their hair in ignorance for her. they dont even stare. so why was she wasting herself away like this since no one cares? she wants to put herself together again. she just doesnt know how long it will take her to climb back on her feet again.
i used to love dreaming that life was like a drama. watching how those people act on tv shows and in the movies, how their dramatic expressions was truly how others react to you.. i wanted that to happen. i wanted to truly have a life like those dramas — where everything was simple, easy, predictable. im fixated on stories leading to happy endings. that, or just a clean cut sigh-of-relief from the main character. characters, and i love the villains. i love watching and being the villains in the fictional. they are so badass, driven to things they've set their minds to that everything about them is - literally - to die for. but why dont i want to be the villain? if i love them so much, and just as fixated on trying to live a life like those stories, why dont i be a villain?
villains become who they are and they dont even try. well, they try. to be good but no one's ever concerned so they turn out to be so badass, not only do people are dying to get them put behind bars, the 'heroes' guiltily want to be like them too.
work what preach. i might as well be reborn as a real-live female tyki mikk yo.
heck, no one even flicked their hair in ignorance for her. they dont even stare. so why was she wasting herself away like this since no one cares? she wants to put herself together again. she just doesnt know how long it will take her to climb back on her feet again.
i used to love dreaming that life was like a drama. watching how those people act on tv shows and in the movies, how their dramatic expressions was truly how others react to you.. i wanted that to happen. i wanted to truly have a life like those dramas — where everything was simple, easy, predictable. im fixated on stories leading to happy endings. that, or just a clean cut sigh-of-relief from the main character. characters, and i love the villains. i love watching and being the villains in the fictional. they are so badass, driven to things they've set their minds to that everything about them is - literally - to die for. but why dont i want to be the villain? if i love them so much, and just as fixated on trying to live a life like those stories, why dont i be a villain?
vilΒ·lain
β β/ΛvΙͺlΙn/ [vil-uhn]
βnoun
1. a cruelly malicious person who is involved in or devoted to wickedness or crime; scoundrel.
2. a character in a play, novel, or the like, who constitutes an important evil agency in the plot.
3. villein.
villains become who they are and they dont even try. well, they try. to be good but no one's ever concerned so they turn out to be so badass, not only do people are dying to get them put behind bars, the 'heroes' guiltily want to be like them too.
work what preach. i might as well be reborn as a real-live female tyki mikk yo.
Labels: fah_fiction
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Wednesday, April 06, 2011, 5:05 pm Β·
Space #4
Space #4
I always thought the sky was blue because the sky was reflecting the Earth's facade which is mostly of water bodies. The white puff of clouds are just farts from the ocean. Oceans fart because humans do too. And, like ocean percentage of the world, our bodies are pretty much the same too. Our puff of candy floss like the clouds in the sky are actually our eyes. Notice how the clouds and our eyes are actually almost the same thing?
The clouds hide away the sun to things we do not want to receive too much. Our eyes close to hide away things we do not want to see. The clouds produce rain when it gets too heavy for their liking. Our eyes produce tears when things get too much to handle on one person's shoulders. The clouds are usually white, grey when atmosphere changes. Our eyes are mostly white, the iris changes size accordingly to our emotions.
But I think this is the reason why the clouds and our eyes are very similar. We look at the clouds cos it's fascinating, and cos theyre pretty. We love to look at other people's eyes (albeit shy from the strong gaze) because you know the truth behind that fascinating lock of gaze, and you get to see the pretty eye colors of the other person.
Tio Bo?
The clouds hide away the sun to things we do not want to receive too much. Our eyes close to hide away things we do not want to see. The clouds produce rain when it gets too heavy for their liking. Our eyes produce tears when things get too much to handle on one person's shoulders. The clouds are usually white, grey when atmosphere changes. Our eyes are mostly white, the iris changes size accordingly to our emotions.
But I think this is the reason why the clouds and our eyes are very similar. We look at the clouds cos it's fascinating, and cos theyre pretty. We love to look at other people's eyes (albeit shy from the strong gaze) because you know the truth behind that fascinating lock of gaze, and you get to see the pretty eye colors of the other person.
Tio Bo?
Labels: fah_fiction
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Tuesday, April 05, 2011, 7:51 pm Β·
space #3
space #3
She kept fiddling with the pen, her wild eyes spun around. Tears were building up fast, her breath short and shallow. Maybe she was just imagining things. She turned to look back at the clock. At that same moment, it rang as it struck at eleven. She shouted and gave a whoop as she crashed to the floor. Thrilled that she could feel pain on her bottoms, she rose up again and settled on her chair. She got hold of her pen again and started to nibble on its end.
The horror story she's writing on, it feels too real to be a fiction. That familiar image to the phrase 'the broad, wide shoulder gleaming in the moonlight', it seemed to ring a bell somewhere. Her mind was let loose again, and her inability to hear the scratching sound was the only slip she failed to avoid..
She was suddenly in the air, holding on to consciousness as she felt a throbbing pain on her stomach. 'There it is,' she thought, as her vision settled upon a black figure at the place where she sat a second ago. He lifted his face to meet her eyes. What she saw shocked her. As she crashed to the floor, that one word she muttered changed everything.
He was on her, thrashing her about. Pulling, pushing, punching, clawing and biting on the meat that he caught. She fought back, but he was too strong. When he bit her arm, she kicked him in the ribs. When he clawed her face, she bit his arm. When he punched her chest, she tried to pull his face apart. She's a strong one, he thought. There was blood everywhere. She should have been dead by now, but this strong-willed woman was not putting down her guard. For once, Nira was in awe of his prey. He grabbed hold of her arms and halted her movements. They locked eyes. The next instant, she was back on the chair. Nira was gone. Her pen was in her hand. The blood stain remained, and left a deep scar in her story.
The horror story she's writing on, it feels too real to be a fiction. That familiar image to the phrase 'the broad, wide shoulder gleaming in the moonlight', it seemed to ring a bell somewhere. Her mind was let loose again, and her inability to hear the scratching sound was the only slip she failed to avoid..
She was suddenly in the air, holding on to consciousness as she felt a throbbing pain on her stomach. 'There it is,' she thought, as her vision settled upon a black figure at the place where she sat a second ago. He lifted his face to meet her eyes. What she saw shocked her. As she crashed to the floor, that one word she muttered changed everything.
He was on her, thrashing her about. Pulling, pushing, punching, clawing and biting on the meat that he caught. She fought back, but he was too strong. When he bit her arm, she kicked him in the ribs. When he clawed her face, she bit his arm. When he punched her chest, she tried to pull his face apart. She's a strong one, he thought. There was blood everywhere. She should have been dead by now, but this strong-willed woman was not putting down her guard. For once, Nira was in awe of his prey. He grabbed hold of her arms and halted her movements. They locked eyes. The next instant, she was back on the chair. Nira was gone. Her pen was in her hand. The blood stain remained, and left a deep scar in her story.
Labels: fah_fiction
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Monday, April 04, 2011, 5:15 pm Β·
space #2.6
space #2.6
You roam around the streets
Holding on to your beliefs
that one day you're made to break things
that made your heart sink down to six feet
Next thing you'll realize
theres ice on top of your lies
When it starts to sink in
your skin turns paper thin
and then it calls
you into all these funny laws
you had to deal with just because you got involved
But who told you to
Now youre back into the dark corner
wishing that you could erase the paper tracks you left undone
but all hope is lost
you keep thinking, dreaming
yeah
keep at talking
i pray that you wont even have the time
to come back in and whine
cos no more will we be able to bear when you've gone senile
Holding on to your beliefs
that one day you're made to break things
that made your heart sink down to six feet
Next thing you'll realize
theres ice on top of your lies
When it starts to sink in
your skin turns paper thin
and then it calls
you into all these funny laws
you had to deal with just because you got involved
But who told you to
Now youre back into the dark corner
wishing that you could erase the paper tracks you left undone
but all hope is lost
you keep thinking, dreaming
yeah
keep at talking
i pray that you wont even have the time
to come back in and whine
cos no more will we be able to bear when you've gone senile
Labels: fah_fiction
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, 5:01 pm Β·
space #2.5
space #2.5
There was a puddle of water on the ground. It hadn't rain yet, and it's still dark out. The trees whispered among themselves. Someone had seen it. Someone had brought it back. Now it will never return. The trees howled and the breeze carried their moans into the sky.
He walked on by, pass the puddle and onto the field. Staring down at his shoes, he noticed the laces were untied. He stopped. Instead of crouching down to redo his laces, he started glancing around. He thought he had heard a broken twig. No, he did hear a twig break. He was not alone.
It was still dark, the sky was a majestic orange hue.
Then suddenly, everything went still. The man looked up and stared straight across the black space. He saw it. It was in the blackness, amongst the other trees. They began shivering, leaves falling dramatically over its head. The man tilted his head. Slowly, he lift his finger.
Pointing to the shadow, he exclaimed, "Get out of there. You do not want to be consumed too."
i think i have the storyline clear enough in my head. as i have guessed, my sentence structure is lost and my vocab is done for. i need to read books again. pronto!
He walked on by, pass the puddle and onto the field. Staring down at his shoes, he noticed the laces were untied. He stopped. Instead of crouching down to redo his laces, he started glancing around. He thought he had heard a broken twig. No, he did hear a twig break. He was not alone.
It was still dark, the sky was a majestic orange hue.
Then suddenly, everything went still. The man looked up and stared straight across the black space. He saw it. It was in the blackness, amongst the other trees. They began shivering, leaves falling dramatically over its head. The man tilted his head. Slowly, he lift his finger.
Pointing to the shadow, he exclaimed, "Get out of there. You do not want to be consumed too."
i think i have the storyline clear enough in my head. as i have guessed, my sentence structure is lost and my vocab is done for. i need to read books again. pronto!
Labels: fah_fiction
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, 1:54 pm Β·
space #2
space #2
i just feel like typing things today. since i miss reading proper books, i might as well start writing one of my own fictions. this is fah's fiction. oh i love making up my own stories. i think i am actually a pretty good liar after all, seeing how someone actually mentioned something about acting and lying to be off the same world. eh, same world, different dimensions. does that make sense? ^^
today shall be my spamming day. we'll see what i can come up with. right now, we'll check in. it's 1:54PM and im in the office. (Y)
to be continued...
today shall be my spamming day. we'll see what i can come up with. right now, we'll check in. it's 1:54PM and im in the office. (Y)
to be continued...
Labels: fah_fiction
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