That little bit of faith and support
Dad called about the money I had returned/transferred him last month. With that also came a little catch up session, again revolving around money and my job status. What was out of the norm β or perhaps because it's been a real hot minute β was his verbal expression of wanting me to ask him for help when I need the finance. Particularly finance. Money. Cos at the end of the day, money makes the world go round. And Dad's getting on in years, meaning his time in this world is running out too. I mean, he's 60 this year. and Im 30. Yet, nothing has changed much; or at least in my head if I'm basing off the last few years.
I don't know. And that adds to the stresses, albeit hidden load.
Cos I wanna succeed. Who doesn't. I don't want the fame. I want the money. But the money don't pour if not enough people wanna support and buy what I'm gonna do in the future.
My need to live off my art is still very strong. What's different now is the drive and fire about getting there. I didn't know how to proceed. I didn't know the process. But I hadn't minded back then. I was sure about forging ahead even if blindly. Now, after about 3 years of derail from full-time job, that spark seems to have gotten lost. I'm now too fearful.
Because reality is rough. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of rushing and powering through everything. I want to take my time and churn out whatever it is that I want(ed). I want to enjoy whatever it is(was) that I had planned to do to achieve the goal of my life.
And that was the conversation I had with Dad. In that 5 minutes, he said it didn't matter as long as I do whatever it is that I wanna do. He will support the money. He will support, as he has always been doing. As he had always done, the only way he knew how. I shared with him that if I'm desperate to do something, I'll probably apply for a job driving the bus; be a bus captain with SBS or SMRT or something. He laughed at that, but it was nothing condescending or judgemental.
After we hung up, I cried as the TV continued to play Ghostbusters: Afterlife. It felt so poignant, the movie and the moment I had with Dad. I guess, after witnessing whatever it was that's happened with me, because of me, Dad knows it's all because I am a wild child, a misfit, a strong-headed circle in a box of squares. He probably knows better than Mum, the fact that I've tried and done so many things.
Which is why when the parents "attack" me, it feels so unfair. It hurts when part of me convinces me that my parents don't even know their daughter enough that they can't even stand by her and give her the kind of love and support that she had always needed. It hurts, especially when theres truth in those dark words.
I wanna be happy again. I know for a fact so many people want me to be happy again β to have the bubbly, loud, and fun Fah return. I want that for myself too.
And I'm trying. I will always be trying. That's the one promise I know I will never break β to myself. Cos I know how hard I've tried and continue to try. On those days where I feel like giving up, I need to remember that this is my life. It's not anyone else's. If they try to tell me how and what to do with it, then I will need to wake the fuck up and stand my ground. No matter the status, you my parent my friend my mentor a senior, you stand down. I want to be happy. I want to be happy AND rich.
I will get there. I just need to get myself back first.
Labels: #suchafah, fight for freedom, I can do this forever, lets do this
Adulthood? Maybe it's really just Mature Youth.
I'm so very aware of who I trust or not, who I like or dont, who I feel more strongly for or nay. Personal reasons or viral stories, I believe what my gut tells me - and I make sure I get the whole picture as much as I can before I settle on my next action.
I'm also very aware that my tolerance level is capped now; used to be excessively expandable but now I hold my tongue more firmly. I know I wear my emotions on my face, so that means I'm a very transparent person. this is how I am, crystal clear and straight-forward. I can be sweet, I can be nice, but also understand I have other emotions that are capable of beating others down when I need to.
Growing up is a strange thing. sometimes you truly feel small, but once you've settled down in your own skin, all's good. Feeling small is a necessity; understand that this feeling existed to begin with because our heads were slowly reaching the clouds. Accept that we're learning every day, that people will judge every way, that knowledge is too vast it cant be tamed, that our flaws are beautiful, that our perfections are subjective. We simply cannot conquer the planes of everything - we're merely humans with limited superhuman upgrades.
These were things the Old World has exercised; these were the wisdoms I grew up with that have been tarnished by the New Age of Today. Sometimes I may appear to be stuck in the past, living in the now. Im not afraid of saying Im full of fears now, that I hold close the comfort of the things that made me comfortable. I've been a simple being, the unlikeliest girly-girl you've ever met. I've also been a crazy laid-back woman, but those havent changed much.
I'm still the unlikeliest girly-girl, crazy laid-back woman. With a purpose.
Labels: #suchafah, another one for the count, because, I can do this forever, words of love (:
It's Over.
It was like watching a comic book come to life, literally.let me relive my moment through this summary. about ten minutes before the show started, one of the side characters came out into the audience. we were all captivated by his antics — so carefree, so slumber and so welcoming. well, at least I was, even though I was seating a little too far back from the stage. this character, I presume, is the narrator of the show. he is depicted as an old man, one who hides his martial arts mastery in his slight, weak figure of a man in white. he grabbed the attention of the audience so well, my expectations of the show were already skyrocketing. the show has yet to start, but the audience was already in fits of laughter. and then we have the mother, father, daughter, grandfather, drunkard uncle and the son-in-law. amazing portrayal of family-slice-of-life. the amazing martial arts movements were s'well, it magnified the humour so much I think it blended all flawlessly. I just love the slow-mo bits. their body control made me speechless. even now, as Im typing, Im just gaping at the screen as the images run through my head. the action scenes were incredible and I was really taken aback by their astounding ability to keep within the confinement space that is the stage. they actually have safety mats on the stage floor to support their rollings and bouncing on the floors. there werent alot of dialogues. their scenes speak for themselves. I can safely say their performance reached me deep inside. it felt like they truly performed well, and that is something I admire.
I wish to perform in this way, and they made me feel really good, happy and satisfied. I loved it. I love the cast. I love JUMP!
let me get back to doing fun things. it might cost me some relationships but I've been held down for too long. Petai, I worry, but I wont fret. Good luck and Good times ahead for all of us! xoxo cheers~
Labels: #suchafah, f*ckyeah, fun, I can do this forever, I want this, let us just go to a place
BR31
if you are still in the dark about me as I have been about the majority of the world, Ive started working. been working since YYmmDD 120802. gonna be making some cash to fill up my bank whilst I wait for something to happen to myself and the education that should be resuming next year.
yes, I still suck at making my own decision regarding my further studies. why not you try deciding between "practicality" and your dreams&ambition for a change instead of getting people, i.e. your parents, decide them for you.
work has been swell. I truly enjoy working. the only downside to everything in the universe put together is the travelling. the distance. the journey to and fro. I mean, I do enjoy travelling — everyone know Fah enjoys travelling, especially with the buses — but it really spoils the mood and energy when you need fifty-five to sixty minutes to travel at least, when you can jolly well cut down 45% of that time wasted for something that's nearer. HAHAHA this is all I am ever gonna start complaining about after working for an entire month. and the next five months too...
and counting~ ♥
so my colleagues are really fun people. really awesome. my atas people are really very young. they can easily be my big brothers, even young uncles *coughB3NGcough* so you add together the fact that I have awesome company for 12hours with my fanatic craze for nicknames and.. what do you get?
I delegate nicknames
You follow protocol.
protocol is to follow nickname-calling.
- FFA facebook status, 120809
I'll give you a heads up on a couple of the nicknames that you'll hear and see often, coming from my updates via meet-ups, facebook of even twitter ^^
theres B3NG, SU5HI, T3PUNG, P3NNN, ZOMB1E. these are my atas, or rather, my superior crew. my fellow colleauges have a more average-looking nicknames, such as mehmeh, shell, feli, unicorn, gg, etc. and I really adore them all.
being a full-timer for six months, I guess I should really prepare myself for the worst. it's like God's ready to take me down right after I've completed a month's training.. because this Friday is a reeeeeeeeally special day~ //whoopwhoop
theres been a lot of laughs at work lately, and I really appreciate every second of it. there's never too much depression and unhappiness going on, and although the gossips are finally just about to begin to finally reach my knowledge, I hope I dont get too engrossed in the hatin'. k, maybe not hating. that's such a slutty word. we'll call it the Bias Mess k. so, yeah, I dont wanna be caught in the Bias Mess' net. ): that'd be so terrible. I would like to give people the chance though, because I AM TOO NICE LIKE THAT but heyyy, I loooooove people ♥♥♥
today was my off day, and it finally really felt like one. I met up with this lady, and we had tonnes of colourful fun whoop whoop ♥
in other (pretty depressing, now that I think about it) news, my creative flow juices are slowly depleting. I have to start getting them back together. it's such a bonus to know that lovely bands I adore are making comebacks. LP made their comeback a couple of months back already. this month, Yellowcard did the same. in no time at all, EPIK HIGH will be running through my eardrums again and I will feel enlightened to work out a thing more or two whenever I get the free time..
or even during my one-hour journey to work (: Ive maintained my writing tendencies, so my dissipating design acts need to be hoisted up again (Y)
that's all the time I have to update my pretty pretty space right here. Im hoping to re-colourize my room with the grey walls as base. because I need more flying-fit energy to make my day~ so we start with music, and here are some of the music videos that tell so much with the beats they blow. Enjoy kiddos~
Labels: happy, I can do this forever, inspirations, it was a productive day, it's so hard to express this shit in words, music, share the blooming love
Games Fetish
this is called Tetris Stars and I totally dig the concept. I am, unfortunately, the only soul playing this game right now. Im just hoping the lovely satisfaction and thrill I feel whilst playing this game can allow me more time to manage my head. I am seriously loving this new tetris concept.
not forgetting.. okay, let's all welcome back icy towers!! my fingering skills are well over rusty and screwed so Im gonna get them all back and try to balance out for my tetris and icy towers. I totally dig my character now. all those aside, I think I truly forgot how much pain and excitement collecting all those coins at a massive turtle rate actually is.
the good thing is that P0P14H can afford to tether just enough internet modes for me to play both games (with both tabs open) and that is brilliant! well done, baby! ♥ K it's coming 2:40AM already, so I better sleep. or else Im gonna miss my class later morning/late afternoon -..-
here are the links, play them on facebook because it's really all about concentration and having invites with the masses! Tetris Stars & Icy Towers~ I swear it feels like neopets all over again, without the neopets trolololmfao HAVE FUN PLAYING Y'ALL!
Labels: f*ckyeah, gamer unleash, happy, I can do this forever, what are we to do with this situation