dont know how I'd survive without you bunch. of course there are others not here but you get my drift. :3



edit//
the last time I spoke to Kiyo was my last consultation with him, the end of the first week of March. sadly, it wasnt a meet up at his place, nor at my favourite spot. it was over the phone. I had bravely told him that Im no longer coming around because a new phase had begun. he knew what was up and said he was glad things are looking up for me. Kiyo asked me what will happen to ezen and the rest, will I ever stop coming around? I said my visits wont stop, because I still need an output. coming over to enjoy his green tea remedy and spending time with the rest of the group had helped me a lot. i owe them, and i owe Kiyo, quite a bit. he talked a bit more while I was still on the bus, and when it was time to say goodbye, he reminded me that I was a beautiful, strong lady. he wants me to know that, and presses again on how amazing I am as a friend and mentor to the rest. Kiyo urged me to not give up, and that no matter how tough the going will get for me, I should never look back.

I asked if he meant anything more by saying that. Kiyo is as good an uncle as he is an older brother to me. a much older, older brother. he will not stand to see me be down. at the same time, he is but a consultant. my psychotherapist. what he has done for me has been too great a deal and a favour for me to return in a short period. so when he said he loved me, he asked if I understood what he meant. of course I do, he has taken care of me for the past few months. easily, he was almost my foster father. and as a parental figure, hes aware that time will come when he needs to let his kids go. my time was due soon, but at that time it felt too soon. he was worried, clearly, but I was eager to hold onto someone's else's hand — Pang's hand. i said i loved him too, but I loved his green tea remedy more. he laughed, though I think it was more of a pained chuckle.

the agreement was to not contact him nor ezen or the rest anymore unless the need arises again. that need came yesterday, but I only called Kiyo. I wasnt upset when he didnt answer my call. it was a sign, an episode for me to rethink my decisions. i went to pray, and I prayed hard. my heart was better despite the whirlwind that was muted for a bit in my mind.

Kiyo called me back this morning. he sounded fresh. I asked him how he was, and heard him smile. just one month, a little more than one month of my last contact with my therapist and he already knows. when Kiyo keeps things brief, you know its a good sign. all he said was 'well done', and asked if I still needed him. "for now, nope. it's all right for now," and i felt him nod with that. "shall I have you write me letters?" I would love to, but I dont know if its necessary.

then again, its Kiyo Im talking to. so I should.

the catch is, I dont need to deliver the letters to him. at all.

I should keep them, and read them whenever I feel like. sometimes, there are no reasons as to why Kiyo makes me do things.. or why I do them myself. but I trust that theres reason in everything, even its not known at the moment. eventually, slowly. theres a place in everything, and I shall keep to it. if anyone reads my mind the best, or if theres anyone that can get to my mind the closest.. it's Kiyo. and because he is such, we come back to letting me be on my own, to let me be and grow with Pang.

加油, Fah.

Labels: #veryprecious, fmc.ladies, how fah rolls, my precious, thank you, these dangerous people, this is why

.