It was a vividly dark setting, somewhere underground. Basement. I see stairs in the distance, cement finish on the walls and floor. The space had a really high ceiling. I remembered feeling somewhat trapped, yet comfortable. I had been seated on a plush sofa-cushion thing with koagonoth seated across from me. We were in a converrsation, one that has got koagonoth intrigued and piqued, though even from where I was, it was hard to hear nor decipher. It was a mumbled fuzz. When my hearing senses tuned in - from what I can recall - the topic of relationship surfaced. 

I had declared that I can make him happy.

Immediately something hot flushed through my face and Pang's face popped up in my slumbering mind. Koagonoth continued the conversation about his past relationships, about how it had been difficult to find middle ground. I replied something about clarity, transparency, and trust - things that had been somewhat absent in my 2+ years with Pang, in my terms of course - and koagonoth agreed on these factors...

...before coming down on me, asking if I was sure I was able to make him happy. Then he declared we'll be going out, and I had asked to excuse myself to the bathroom.

A moment later, I am now naked and apparently taking a goddamn shower right by the living area where I had just been a moment ago with koagonoth. Suddenly he said he'll be leaving and will be back. I had gone to see him off in something that was a tube dress-bath robe, still dripping wet. I had asked him questions, though I cant remember what they were now. I was sure it was out of nervousness, and a clash of emotions that I started mindless chatter. I was confused about the emotions I was feeling - which explains the fucking random shower to "cool down" - when he held (read: grabbed) my face. 

You're mine now, koagonoth breathed in a low growl that clearly belonged to him. Something like a kiss happened in a flash, then he kissed my forehead before smirking away. 

Apparently, I felt giddy. Stupidly, too, I had thought about Pang. "What if he knows," and I plopped down the sofa-cushion thing trying to figure out this non-existent crisis. It had been real then, and I was so alarmed by it. 

When koagonoth came back, he brought some crates of beers. I was dressed in a lazy dress. Barefooted. We were wilding out thanks to the booze and somewhere down the line he had asked if I had slept with anyone before. I shot him back with a "What do you think" and he was on top of me, his face right on mine. I was breathing so hard until I blacked out. 

Labels: after the storm, dreaming of dreams, GOT7 갓세븐, I learn new things everyday, nightmare song, on nights like these, on repeat

God, it feels good to cry all these emotions out. I never realized I was so tense and unhappy the past months?? It took up a whole hour! Thats a record. 

Wow!! 

You cant escape the loneliness and fear. It's only human. Once you're through it, it's done. Move on. End of an old episode. Carry on and put your front up fr the next wave.

It's difficult being strong. It's even harder being a strong eldest daughter, sister, partner and friend. But you gotta take it. It's the same cycle, same idea but different phases.

Imagine if this had been me years ago.. I'd be a mess, might've probably gone back into my demons and continued the my darkest chapters again from where I'd left off.

"If it's not me, then who?"

That's the only thing I keep telling myself. It works and it hurts. Gotta keep working. Once I feel myself laying low, I gotta reboot myself. God, does crying help or what; both a gift and a curse, my sensitive tearducts. I hope tonight I can clock in some decent sleep.

Fuck.

Labels: after the storm, how long have i kept this in, keep calm and carry fah, this is why