I want to be the first person who is allergic to her own tears that it'd make my face swell and my eyes closed shut. I dont want to cry every single heartache out anymore. My alter ego would fuss up sickening thoughts. Initially, when I do not want to create any sort of fuss to myself, it would end up with me bursting out loud about my thoughts. I have absolutely no control over my alter ego, and its very (fill in the blanks).The only control that I can boast about now is just me being able to read (aka study), even amongst crowds. This, though, I must do it with the presence of my MP3 plugged into the speaker naturally built in my head.

Last time, I cant study with it switched on - not even with any form of distractions. This includes a single piece of blank paper not designated for notes-making. But now, this jobs are easy-peasy. And it really helps alot, in many ways which I do not want to elaborate. Now, my MP3 is my source of cure for anything and everything. Eh, actually, one of my many cures. I do not want to waste myself away with The Flood any longer. Sickening.

Avenged Sevenfold Concert. I couldnt go. Didnt go. Didnt have the heart to risk my Os. Plucked the courage to ease away the temptation and need to meet M Shadows, Synyster Gates, The Reverend.
I couldnt go. Just couldnt. Didnt have the heart to. Just didnt have the heart to.

Then, Doll Domination striked. A nice name. Tak Glam double meaning.
It was Mak Awa's birthday too, Meme's mum (for Farah Nad and former Corp. Pri. Sch.).

Mathematics Paper One. It's my worst attempt ever, aside cataclysmic Chemistry. This, because I knew I could score. But I had a slip-up. From page eight onward, the world's issue clouded my mind. Not exactly the world, but my every whole personal issues. And it was cold. Cold from the Black and Bleak Rain. So cold that I swear I could get frostbite. I started to panic, at the wrong time at that. I had things under control just then, but because of my mind's habitual tendency to auto-driftaway, I lost approximately 20 marks. 20 marks, 10 for the auto gone undone questions. Another 10 for the supposed carelessness I have had done. And this 10 is the only limit I could accept for myself to get an A1 and be saved with Paper Two. I must not get below 60/80! Im looking forward to Paper Two, but typing this out in service of recollection has made me think twice about my presumed confidence.

Gah, I dont know anymore!




I cant believe Im actually an insolent inhuman grandchild. I didnt visit Granddad on Thursday. Instead, Id said "Unless if Grand's been to operation, I dont really want to visit him". Like, wtf. From a neutral perspective, you'd think that Im a bad person. Well, I am. Heh. The truth - in my defence if youd like to put it that way then - was that I was sure he would live on. I knew that he'll hang on to life. He loved life itself at that too. I know he could live. At least, I was so sure he would live. I just didnt want to let my mind begin the mindset that Im gonna start losing the people close to me, one after another.

And then early morning on Friday, when I woke up preparing to go to school, Uncle Uteh called, and Dad rushed off to hospital. There were complications with Grand that I could only stare off after Dad. Mum was sullen. I didnt see anything coming. Off I went to school, hoping Math would be fine, A7X concert would suck. And Granddad would be okay, smiling when I'd come to visit him right after Math ends. Little did I knew that he was already gone whilst I was on the bus, dreaming.

I did Math with difficulty, my sub-conscious mind initiating the downfall of the already cursed day. But what did I do? I shoved it all behind me, and tried, so _ tried hard to concentrate but I couldnt. I panicked. I ignored the cruel and merciless rain. I took for granted the last time I could have seen Grand, if not even his smile.

Labels: in loving memory, words of love (:

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